Memories Of A Fond, Fun, and Gone Friend

Dear You,

If I saw you again, I’m not sure we would be friends. The hurt is still real. Real as the gray-blue scale behind your lower front teeth.

You said to me in the mirror, “I am the sort of person with huge blackheads, that’s why I use pore strips.” I never saw a blackhead on you. Your pores were much smaller than mine.

I kept so many things that you released into the world. You were always giving away your home, and I tried to save some of it for you, to put it back together like your disintegrating mind.

Mental Illness, no, you called me from the looney bin when they locked you up. I told you that it’s a social experiment, so take it in and observe! This is your chance, and few people ever get this chance.

And then I drove away with my solar panels on top of the car, and they got smashed. Tragic, but not as tragic as when you burned down your apartment.

While it is much more tragic for the owner, and probably their insurance company, the real tragedy was that your paintings on the wall were then gone. And your bunny cartoons. And whatever else you still had.

But I had your jacket that you had lent me, and I gave it back.

I kept a cup, some Christmas ornaments, and a necklace that you had given me. But I always intended to re-gift them to you.

I can’t though. You must have quit your job at the pharmacy. I don’t see you there anymore. I don’t see your man either. Did you move out?

You always complained of your living conditions. You always said that everything was going downhill, no matter where you were. You would complain of drugs. Was it your boyfriend’s drugs? You would claim every place was bad, I think it was your boyfriend the last two places...

But ultimately, it is not your nest that was the problem.

Looking back, I’m so devastated about your abortion, though I’m quite certain that I would never have changed your mind even if I had tried. You were never one to be good with kids. We do differ in that.

I’m so very sad about your mental illness, and also about our friendship ceasing.

I just have to look back and remember how much I was used, and then I don’t want to call you. I was used for money. I was used for food. My boyfriend was used for food and money too.

I always remember you thanking me though. I still have the organic dish towels. They’ve lost all their color, and they’re covered in spots now. I remember when you accidentally sliced one of them with your knife.

I still have the top to the wooden box. My baby has lost the bottom to it. No matter, the top is beautiful. Maybe it will turn up.

I remember when you squatted behind the old music store. You were like a wild animal coming out of the cold. I’d never experienced having homeless friends until you. Your boyfriend was also homeless.

I remember when you threw that guy’s shoes and cigarettes out of your place, and poured buckets of water on him to get him to leave. That was a hilarious story.

I remember when we all used to hang out together: you me our other friend, and then one random guy from the same apartment complex! Haha. And one of those guys was the one you crushed hard on until he actually finally left his girlfriend for you. I guess either the chase was over or you realized that he smokes too much.

I remember you watching anime and eating salt right out of the jar, night after night. I loved how you always used sea salt toothpaste. I think it represented a new life for me.

You had a knack for finding the most beautiful things. Your gorgeous dividers, and the time you moved to a different city just to live in a historic gorgeous apartment.

I was shocked at how many stunning terrariums you had. You were so before your time with plants and minimal living.

The only man who was ever good for you... You kicked to the curb because he shaved his beard to get a job to support you. He was so broken-hearted that he walked past your work and would look longingly into the window. He would frequent your favorite restaurants and order at a table close to you.

My friend, the artist and con artist. I begged you to come home to our little town. I covered your shift while you went to see your grandmother who you loved so dearly pass away.

It is really a damn shame that we aren’t friends anymore. And why, because I won’t take you out for a free meal? Are you really so petty on the inside?

I need not give you any advice. You used to ask me for advice, but never follow it. You didn’t really want my advice.

Sometimes my advice was bad. Helping you get a job didn’t stop your mental illness.

I didn’t understand your slutting around with older men, but you did lose your father as a teen. I really do feel that this caused much of your problems.

It’s a damn shame that we aren’t friends any longer. I almost loved you like a sister. We were closer than I was to my boyfriend. We were more aligned, back when I was young and even more idealistic. We were so fun together, and a bad pair because we spent so much money together.

I forgive you for not paying me back for the train.

We dragged our friends everywhere. I always wondered if we would stay friends forever. I think friendship just required too much forgiveness and charity on my part after a while.

I’m sorry for any time I was jealous of you, like when you were elected to the board. I’m sorry that things didn’t work out when you were squatting in the hair salon. I didn’t realize that your relationship there had turned sour.

I used to think I deserved to be treated badly, but my loving relationship with my husband has changed my mind.

If you want to have a friendship again, I would like that. I’d like it much more than a “like” on Facebook, or your favorite, twitter. I want to email you. I just haven’t found the words. I don’t think “how are you” does justice.

You were a very charismatic person. Sometimes I fall for people who really do not care about me the same. Everyone loved you. You knew it, too.

I promised our friend that I would keep an eye on you, when she moved to California. I haven’t kept my promise past you leaving the pharmacy job. Nobody knows where you are. I hope you’re okay. I hope things are going well. Maybe you’re in repair. That would be wonderful to hear. If you could at last live somewhere that warmed your own heart.

I should have made you take that good job states away from us. It was the last of the good jobs you were offered. If only I had told you I would move there too, you might have done it. If even for a little bit.

But I didn’t want to leave. I could have, for a summer or so. But it’s all in the past now. No matter. I need to make sure I respect that you wanted no advice, and I did the right thing by setting healthy boundaries.

Do you remember going to the neighboring state to see the plants, and going to the noodle place? That was so awesome. I went there on my honeymoon it was so awesome!

Anyways I could keep going on and on but just wanted to say that I do actually care, and want to have you in my life in some way.

Take care,

Upset, Denial, Frustrated
  • wolf78

Not part of your Family.

After all these years of neglect and abuse by these two good for nothing excuses of a human being calling themselves "parents," I can certainly state that I make the decision of not being part of their so called family, and that I will simply disown them along with that psychotic daughter of theirs being that she's pretty much the sole one they ever cared for to begin with. I regret that I once prayed for her well being and even helped her out when her ass was kicked out by her lover and spend time at a place of mine along with her daughter who was just a kid back then. I regret that I ever bothered to call her and let her stay with us when she had nowhere to go all just so she could pull shit on me and try hard to make my life miserable afterwards, when I became disabled.

I regret helping this drunk cunt of a MOTHER whenever she would pass out in front of the building we lived on and drag her ass into the apartment just so nothing else would happen to her. I regret becoming her shield whenever that shithead psycho misogynistic womanizer FATHER would try and hit her. Only for her to laugh and mock me when I needed her the most, turning on me and favoring her DAUGHTER in hopes that I would be locked in a ward forever after lying to the police, and now also turning her back once more when I am about to lose my home.

I regret trying hard to accept FATHER when the sorry piece of shit left us multiple times in order to fuck other women and eventually get a family of his own on our backs, all because he was bored of us. Of all these people he can truly go to hell and wish him to rot in it for eternity.

All in all I am no longer try to forgive the injustices they all had committed to me, regardless of anything that ever happened between us. I always felt that I was not welcomed to them and it always had proven this to be fact even in the end. So I am happy to say that renounce being part of them in any which way possible, and that even if we share the same blood, I don't have any reason to believe I am related to them otherwise.

They are not my family. I am not their son.
  • Current Mood
    cold cold
  • ok95

Dear You & Dear Fear,

Here's what I'm afraid of: Some day, on my death bed, or when I'm bleeding out on a crime scene, or when I'm about to take my last breath in the back of an ambulance, wherever, someone who doesn't know me very well is going to ask me what my favorite part about everything was. And do you know what I'm going to say? I'm going to say it was you. Always, always you. Every minute that feels like an hour, every time I scrape and bruise, it comes down to you. And if I don't say you, then I'm lying. That's it. But that is incredibly terrifying. 

Unfortunately, 95

  • Current Music
    When We Were Young - Adele

Dear Broken one,

I can't fix you. I can't put your kind of broken back together again. All I ever wanted was to hold your broken pieces in my hands, but every time I try, they cut me to the bone and I'm wondering how much more blood I have left to bleed for you.



Dear little man,

Seriously just go and take one giant look at  yourself. I am so sick and tired of being told things with mirror speak. I am not the problem here it's you. You can afford to move out, but no you needed to destroy every memory of my entire life. I don't want you to be happy. I want you think daily and nightly about how you could have saved a life, and chose to jack me up instead. To quote Dr. Cox- You're nothing but a bastard coated bastard with bastard filling. The best part of waking up is seeing your ugly everything.

Signed number 4

  • Current Music
    Smooth Criminal
Angry, Hulk, Marvel
  • wolf78

(no subject)

Dear You:

I am tired of being treated indifferent from a person that was supposed to support me ever since I was born and be there through hard times as long as we had life. You are an uncaring, horrible human being and never cared about the family you purposely kicked aside just to do what you wanted with your own life.

I got no reason to call you Father anymore.
  • Current Mood
    angry angry

Emotional Slavery (Continued)

Dear You,

I was trying really, really hard just to take the apology for what it's worth; to breathe, and to move on. But it's been a really hard year for me, and I have so much more to say. 

You hurt me more than any human I have chosen to be in my life has ever hurt me. You took things from me - namely, my last shred of optimism and the very belief that I could have or even deserved that kind of love - without any real explanation. You drove me well past the point of sanity with your cryptic silence, as I desperately tried to reconcile it and understand what happened, and continued to happen, for years. 

I avoided feeling that loss by pouring a steady stream of bourbon, beer, billiards, and boys on top of it. And everywhere I went, there you were, until I only went where I knew you'd be, because I couldn't let go. I was an absolute train wreck. My pain just simmered until all I was left with was a sticky alcoholic roux, comprised of my entire 20s. 

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dear best friend

I have decided to write a handful of letters to different people and you are the first person I want to address. I also think your letter might be the most difficult one to write.

I guess this is when you realize what this letter is about. I guess I just want you to hear this directly from me. If anyone deserves to hear this from me, it's you.

If you're reading this it's because I've finally killed myself.

Oof. It really do be like that.

There are so many things I had planned on writing to you but I can't seem to find any words right now.

I guess I want to thank you one last time because you truly have been there for me. You are genuinely the best person I've ever met. I have never met anyone that seemed to care as much as you do and if it weren't for you I would have done this much earlier. Everything from our discord calls, to all the times I've spent the night at your place... All the jokes we've said... Everything about you... All of these things have made me so happy and they've helped me feel so much better.

I also want to apologize.

Because you have had to take care of me. Because it ended with me turning to you to rant about some of my problems. And because we became such good friends and that it had to end like this.

I hope you understand that I truly do love you. Being your friend is one of the best things to ever happen to me. I hope you don't regret any of it.

God, this became so gay. But I guess I'm allowed to be a little gay if I'm gonna die anyway.

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Dear you,

You really were the absolute worst. The most painful thing i have ever dealt with was my 10 year marriage to you. At first when you would come home and yell at me for some damn stupid thing that wasn't done to your satisfaction, i would cry and cry tell you how sorry i was. And how. I'm sorry i tolerated it like i did. The biggest joke of all is that you hate me, I was your last ally, until you wrapped your hands around my neck and tired to kill me. Twice.

I gave you everything and you took all of it and burned it to the ground. Nice job breaking it hero. Do what your good at I guess. I just left you and and my whole life  and I cannot remember what you truly look like because all I see is the ugliness that is all of you. When you get married again it should be to your anger, it's all that's left. People aren't just things you can store in a box and play with when the weather turns bad. You treated me like a dog, a bitch. Kicked dogs will bite the supposed hand that feeds and i bit you back. With great personal loss. (your middle aged angst has a body count bitch)

What you can never seem to remember is that I was always there for you even after you: Reached out courtesy of MA BELL and threatened to kill my cat when you came back from the fireline. You weren't even HOME!

Got a full time job and told me my paycheck was still not enough money. When my paycheck did bigger so did your spending habits.

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