between 2 lost loves

I've known you since school but back then it wasn't exactly safe to really express my feelings. Although you were my first kiss and I'll always remember that day in the school hallway. I know that we lost touch over the years and I never forgot you I thought you constantly. 20 some odd users later I find you on fb, so I took the chance on sending you a message on hopes that you'd reply and I must say that I was rather shocked when you did. It was good catching up with youto see how life had been treating you. When we finally had the chance to meet up needless to say that I was very excited all I could think of was giving you the biggest hug. When I saw you gave to face you got that hug but I couldn't help myself I had to kiss you because are that first kiss that's all I could think of. That and this beautiful eyes sexy lips and that gorgeous smile. There was a lot that I wanted to say that day but I couldn't bring myself to say it.  Other than spouting compliments on your looks and watching a movie my mouth just wouldn't let my thoughts out.  I'm glad that we got to hang out and everything eventhough one thing led to others which make me regret not telling you.  I enjoyed caressing your body and kissing you all over, I loved the feel of you me deep inside you and you on top of me the sex was amazing.  I'm getting off track because what I'm trying to say is I should've told you that I was in love with you and I still am.  I know it's too late now because you're mature l married but I just wanted you to know how I truly feel about you. I'll always love you and I'll be here if you ever need me. I've always said a closed mouth doesn't get fed so I'm hungry. 

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Moon: Crescent

To the one person I should have known better my whole life:

You were a huge reason why me and Jamie could not have a relationship for MANY years. You talk like you’re such a big sister and guardian angel to her now, just like you did with me for so long as you stirred the crappot behind BOTH of our backs. Even when we were little— you were always so hateful over the fact that Jamie and I got more attention than you just because we were twins that you made it your goal to tear us apart and make us fight with each other as much as possible. This wasn’t just your typical “sisters teasing each other” stuff. You were unapologetically a tyrannical bully that bred hate, and as you continuously do to this day. You talk about how you have a heart “full of love” but no, you don’t. Your heart is full of spite. You have never once encouraged anyone in this family to make peace or show love to one another, as I am about to elaborate.

I remember in 1998, we were in Canada, you made Jamie cry and leave the room, then you sat down with me and talked all kinds of malicious crap about Jamie being in tears, to the point where grandma stormed in with a still-tearful-eyed Jamie, and scolded you for being in this evil sneaky habit of ALWAYS trying to make us fight with each other, and predicted her fear that one day Jamie and I would live far apart and bitterly resent one another instead of embracing our twin-ship. It is absolutely crazy how well grandma had predicted that. Dad caught on to your selfish behavior, too, and I remember him losing it on you that you’re “just like David”. And for DAD of all people to ever compare you to David, even just one time, says A LOT.

Also, it’s not fair that Jamie showed enough humility and maturity to take down any angry content she had posted with my full name, genuinely apologize, and accept my apology in return— but not you. I guess it was too much to ask of you?? What’s more, you posted your petty content with not just my full name, but Jamie’s, too. Let’s keep in mind that we weren’t kids anymore at this point and that you wrote all that as a fully-grown married adult.

That alone shows what a two-faced and self-righteous hypocrite you have always been. You even went against your own “basic social etiquette” at the end of your drama-mongering entry to “add fuel to the fire so to speak”. You did nothing at all to encourage Jamie and I to make up and keep peace, because you didn’t care if we ever did, and still don’t! I don’t care if this entry dates all the way to back 2006– you never changed. If you had posted this entry yesterday, I would not be surprised.

It’s also not fair in a sense that Jamie and I were so quick to place blame on people like Heather or Leigha, but never you. You were always overlooked in the starring role you played at tearing us apart. You always talked down to us like you were superior in your knowledge of the universe and viewed us as little idiots, and maliciously feasted on both our insecurities. You were a huge reason why I became so suicidally depressed as a child, too. I think all of this gets overlooked because of struggles you went through like with drugs, alcohol, homelessness, and so on when you got older. While I don’t wish those things on anyone, especially on my own family, and as much as it hurt to see you go through all of that after all that happened with dad— I can’t let that be an excuse to justify all the wrong you caused in both me and Jamie’s lives, that you always refused to apologize to either of us for. You have always been an argumentative person and quick to deny your own shortcomings, so Jamie and I know better than to ever expect an apology out of you, though we both deserve to hear one. We all know it’s just never going to happen.

This is exactly why you and I can’t have a relationship. It’s not even “because you’re disfellowshipped” as you like to tell everybody— it’s because of wicked and manipulative crap like this. You act to someone’s face like you “always have their back”, but then, you’re the first one to do the backstabbing and turn everyone else against that person. Especially so with your own family. Not to mention that nearly every piece of advise you ever gave me was horrific and with the sole intent of destroying me, because you’re so full of self-hate. The only time I can truly think of where that didn’t apply was when you helped me buy a car. That was literally it. Everything else— horrific.

Even when we were helping grandma, you took advantage of her weak mental state to manipulate her into hating me because you were upset with me at that time, so that anytime it was my turn to help her, she would fight with me and scream at me to get out of her house— just so you can laugh about it with the rest of the family and make it appear like I never tried going out of my way to help her. How cruel do you have to be to do that to someone in the process of dying? To your own grandmother, nonetheless?? This was a time when all of the family should have been coming together and putting their differences aside. You singlehandedly destroyed that opportunity and damaged my reputation in this family— something you will never show remorse for, and something I may never recover from. You LOVED that me and Jamie were in the bitter predicament that grandma had predicted all those years ago. Nothing would make you happier than to make the pain hurt even worse. And who benefited from this? Literally no one.

I talked to you recently all these years later and you barely could give two craps about what was going on in my life. The only reason you “cared” as much as you did was just to be nosy and look for new reasons to judge me. Most of our “conversation” was you not letting me get a word in and tearing down my personal belief system, like you have any right to do that at all. You don’t care about what Jamie’s going through right now, either. What have you really done to help her? Talk crap?? Crack jokes?? Dad was the one that went out of his way to physically help her move back home. Mom was the one that got all her furniture for her. But what about you?? You say things like you’d “die for us”, but it’s all talk!! Knowing how you are, you’re probably thriving in her misery right now with all the horrible people you call friends and talking crap behind her back. Everything you ever hated about everyone else, you yourself became.

I remember Jamie saying that her favorite part of her life was in 2002 because her and I were the closest at that time. And we were. I don’t know how much of this she remembers now, but it’s literally because we didn’t have you in the house *and* sharing a room with us anymore to manipulate us into fighting with each other all the time. It was like a breath of fresh air. You had moved out and took all that self-hate against your own self and got into other kinds of trouble instead of seeking help like you should have. This is not to say that you deserved what you got and I would never say that. But you needed serious help, and you never even admitted that to yourself enough to either let someone help you or seek it out for yourself. Even to this day, you refuse to swallow your pride. Instead, you deal with your pain by cruelly turning everyone in your family against one another and placing blame.

I went to your journal thinking I would find something to make me feel nostalgic, but instead, I got a harsh reminder as to why we’re still not talking, why I could never trust you, and why I moved all the way out here. You NEVER cared what was best for me or anyone else in this family. I know I said my goal was to mend fences and keep peace, but for the first time in my life, I’m beginning to understand that this is physically impossible with you. I have been trying with all my might to forgive, apologize, and move past my own emotions. Why can’t you? Why is it always everyone’s job except yours to do these things? You’re almost 40 years old now and you have a child. Do better. Stop blaming mom for who you became, and stop using her as an excuse to justify your hate-breeding. Even mom with all of her issues has proven to be far more of a support in the end than you have ever been. How am I wrong? Because you were “talking” to her this whole time? Talk is cheap, and with you, it’s all fake support anyways to hoard as ammunition behind someone’s back whenever the time is convenient. I absolutely believe with all my heart, too, that as long as Jamie and I are on peaceful terms, that it’s only a (short) matter of time before you screw it all up. My biggest regret is that I let you intimidate me my whole life and that didn’t stand up for Jamie anytime you manipulated us into fighting with each other. I ask myself often, if just that one thing had been different, would everything be different today?

Sincerely,
nevermind. I know now that I expected more out of you as an older sister than I should have.
  • Current Music
    “Miss Americana & The Heartbreak Prince” - Taylor Swift
GS: Just A Girl

To the first boy I ever had feelings for:

I can’t believe it’s been TEN YEARS since we broke up. It feels like it was yesterday when we met for the first time let alone when we broke up. Then again, it seems like a different lifetime ago.

For the last ten years, I resented you with every fiber of my being for reasons that you know already, because I held nothing at all back the last time we ever spoke to each other.

What you don’t know, though, are my regrets that I never addressed to you since then, because we had already long-lost contact with each other at that point. And by the time I was honest with myself and felt like I owed you an apology, I was already long married to someone else— and for all I know, you might be, too— and I felt like it wouldn’t matter anymore anyways. Which, in a sense, it doesn’t... because I can’t change anything. I know that.

But in a hypothetical universe, I wish I could tell you face-to-face that I’m sorry for my own immaturity. I was so young. I had no idea what I was doing. I not only had no dating experience, but never thought I’d be in a romantic relationship with anyone. Because— I never told you this, either— but I am asexual. I think if you had known that, it would have explained a lot about me and cleared a lot of things up between us.

How do I put it? I knew I was asexual since I was about 8. Growing up thereon, I remember thinking I was “broken” whenever I heard my friends or my sisters talk about crushes on people. But then you came along. Although I had no sexual attraction to you, what I realized that I could apparently still develop romantic feelings. This CONFUSED me because I didn’t understand asexuality well enough at the time to know that asexuals CAN develop romantic feelings, and I thought “Maybe I AM straight after all”— especially because I never developed feelings like that towards any girl, despite close female friends I had, and you were the only close male friend I ever had at that point in time.

You made it very clear to me on a couple of occasions that you “wanted” me in a very sexual way, and I had no clue how to react to that except to tell you “no”, and I didn’t know how to do that without unwittingly looking you blank in the face like you were some kind of predator, even though I know you weren’t being one. I just didn’t know how to respond. But then, when I realized you got sexually frustrated with me and got what you wanted with someone else, I didn’t know how to handle that, either.

For so long, I regarded you as someone who looked at me as a tool and led me on. But the truth is, I’M the one who led you on. I led you to believe that I was a “normal” young girl that would have a high sex drive when in reality that wasn’t who I was or ever became.

But I learned a lot from that whole experience. For one, I learned a lot more about asexuality, that there are others like me, what to expect out of myself, and that it’s nothing to feel ashamed of. I also learned that if I ever were to develop feelings with someone else ever again that I have to be HONEST about who I am so as not to confuse or sexually frustrate someone else. I’m glad to say at least that I did eventually find someone I could freely be open about this with. My now-husband NEVER once made me feel bad about myself. For all I know, it could have been this way with you, too, if I were more honest with myself and upfront with you about it. Maybe not, I don’t know, because you were so young, too. I guess we’ll never know.

Even though I’m happy being with who I’m with, it still makes me sad when I reflect on our friendship and how ugly it all turned out. I wish we could have at least stayed friends somehow, but in reality, there’s absolutely no way on earth that would happen. I had feelings for you, and I’m sure without a doubt that they would resurface again if I ever saw you or spoke to you again, even all this time later. Along with all my bitter spite and jealousy. But, feelings aside, I hope you are doing well, and that you did eventually find someone who can make you happy, even if that person could have never been me.

Sincerely,
Whatever you want to call me.
  • Current Music
    “Somebody Else” - The 1975
TS: evermore

To my late grandpa:

I’m glad I got to at least say goodbye to you. My one regret is that it was over the phone and not in person.

One thing I take comfort in is knowing you passed on knowing that I loved you very much, and so did the rest of the family. We appreciate you because of how much you had given to the rest of us. When we were little, even when we were being brats, you let us come over as much as we wanted, let us live with you when we were in need, and spent your hard-earned money for us to go on local excursions. You were very generous.

My funnest memories of you were during my teenage years, after you had moved to Sun City. Pretty much all of us at that time we’re trying to heal from all the drama of you and grandma’s divorce, and we were all just trying to be there for each other. It was fun when mom would take us and aunt Rhonda out to see you and then hang out at places like Tom’s farms, Temecula, Julien, and all kinds of other cool places. I LOVED your house out there too and I (almost) miss it as much as the La Miranda house.

It was my pleasure too to be out there helping out after your car accident. I remember watching a documentary with you on Nat King Cole, and you telling me about how he was your favorite singer growing up, along with Ella Fitzgerald and Louis Armstrong. It dawned on me that I never knew about your music taste until then lol. But after you passed, I went on a binge-listen to those artists, and understood why you appreciated their talent so much. It brought me comfort to listen to them and think about you while going through photo albums and reflecting on you and how much you had done for the family.

Last but not least, thank you for 2 of some of the best vacations I went on— the cruise in 2004, and the road trip to Vancouver in 2005. Those were incredible and unforgettable memories and I’m grateful I got to experience those things with you.

Thank you for the memories.
Love,
Your granddaughter
  • Current Music
    “I Love You Always Forever” - Donna Lewis
Daisies: Star Border

To my dear late grandmama:

I can’t believe it’s already been 10 years since your passing. It feels like I was just visiting you the other day. But anyhow, it’s important that you know how much I always looked up to you as a source of positivity; especially since I was otherwise surrounded by chronic negativity, even if just in my own mind.

You were always a very giving person. Even when dad was messing up, you never shunned him or made him less than human. Though you had your personal beliefs of right and wrong, you never failed to show that love when it most needed. You were there for him, and you were there for me too when I was going through an angsty dark depression. Visiting you was like an escape. You set a great example, not just for the family, but humankind. And this is all despite the fact you dealt unspeakable traumas, failures and heartbreaks of your own. Things I could never imagine.

Seeing you was always uplifting and encouraging. It always put a smile on my face just to walk in and see your teddy bears all over the place, or just the smell of your apartment, which always smelt like graham crackers. Or the sight of your furniture, which was a cool antique blonde-wood style that I always thought was so cool and elegant looking.

I remember your favorite color was yellow because it’s such a happy color. You loved daffodils, yellow roses, and- the one I especially remember- dandelions. I remember being in Mira Loma and seeing a bunch of dandelions on that big yard in front of your complex and plucking a bunch of dandelions for you and you thought it was so cute and you put them in a vase. Every spring here in Michigan, when spring approaches and the weather warms up, I’ll see the dandelions come up, and I will think of you. It’s another reason why I look forward to spring so much.

I also remember how much you loved your French vanilla ice cream, because it was yellow. Lol. I remember being at your apartment in Yucaipa when I was 12 years old, on spring break in 6th grade, and you had saved me an entire tub of French vanilla ice cream because you were so stoked that I was going to be staying with you for that entire week, but your freezer was so cold that it freezer-burned the ice cream lol but I didn’t want you to feel bad and I ate it anyways. And the thing that was so refreshing about you is you wouldn’t have made me do it if you knew I didn’t want to. I did it anyways because it was cute and sweet of you to go out of your way like you did, that stuff like freezer-burn wasn’t going to matter to me. That was also one of the funnest years of my childhood, just so you know.

Another one of my favorite memories with you was in spring break 1996, when you spent spring break with *us* at the Whittier house. It was so cute so spend that whole week with you and see you just hang out with us kids like you were still a kid yourself and listen to Spice Girls with us, go miniature golfing with us, and go to meetings and out in service with us. You were always so humble and so eager to please others.

I always thought to myself that you would be so proud of me if you met Matt and knew I moved to your home state. I also always thought that if Matt had the pleasure of meeting you and vice verse that the two of you would just love each other. It always made me sad that I met him too late for this to happen, but I try not to dwell on it. You would want me to just be happy.

This spring, in your honor, I will be plucking dandelions and eating French vanilla ice cream (but without the freezer-burn lol). Because I know it’s what you would want for your 10-year deathiversary. You wouldn’t want us to be overly sad, but to commemorate you with something simple, cute and sweet.

I miss you, forever and always.
Love,
Your granddaughter
  • Current Music
    “I Want You To Know” - Selena Gomez
Daisies: Square Border

To my dad:

I miss hanging around you like you wouldn’t believe.

I feel like a piece of crap most of the time anymore because of the way I left. I had rose-colored glasses on and all I could think about was how much I just wanted to be with Matt, not fully taking into consideration all the work you put into helping me move all the way across the country. Not once, not twice, but actually three times.

I will never forget how sad the look on your face was on 12/14/2005, after you dropped off me and Jamie at LAX when we were moving to Arkansas. That look is forever engrained in my brain. After a long night of driving around all of Southern California and hanging out by the beach and eating at a diner with Amber before taking us to the airport. I had that look in my head until I moved back home.

And then I remember in 2007 when you flew all the way out to Memphis so you could help me move back home. I had drove all the way to the airport, nervous because your flight had landed and I had been waiting a couple of hours, and couldn’t get a hold of you. I was pacing around the airport. Then all the sudden I hear your voice “JESSIE!!!” and I ran across the terminal and we gave each other a BIG HUG. I remember crying. And I remember overhearing the employees talking about how sweet they thought it was.

Fast forward 7 years later, March 2014. You had every reason not to, but you helped me live across the country AGAIN. I was so blind-sighted with finding the love of my life that nothing else at that time mattered. I would have never admitted this to myself at the time, but I was so utterly selfish for a lot of reasons. The biggest punch in the gut was when I dropped you off at the airport. I wasn’t rude, but I wasn’t warm either when I said goodbye. I can tell that hurt you a LOT, and you even asked, “You’re excited to watch me leave, aren’t you?” kind of jokingly, but it called me out on my selfishness. I never told you this, but I never forgave myself for that. I never liked thinking about the move out here to Michigan for this reason alone— I know I hurt your feelings and did not own up to it at that time.

And what’s worse, I’m way out here now if something happens to you or mom all the way back out in California. This was ultimately all because of my selfish pride at that time. I was so young still, and the thought of anything happening to anybody was just so far off and didn’t seem practical to worry about. I literally did not think about the very real future, bound to happen sooner than any of us could have thought.

You were always the kind of person that would give the last sweater off your back to help someone else out, perhaps to a fault. You always had a way with people and knew how to make friends with anyone, although again, to a fault. I always wished though despite your faults that I could be as charismatic as you. It just never came naturally for me.

You told me today that you were getting ready to go up to San Francisco for work, and I miss the days we’d go up there and hang out. It’s disgusting how much I took for granted, from being at my warm-climate home state to just seeing YOU. Of course I would rather see you than any place. I just miss YOU.

I hope to see you soon,
Your daughter.
  • Current Music
    “Marjorie” - Taylor Swift
Daisies: Breathe

To my late cousin that saved my life,

I am alive today because you saved my life, not once, but twice. I was 4 years old and you jumped in the water twice to save me from drowning. I literally would not be around if not for you. You died shortly after that and I never got the chance to say thank you or to truly show you my gratitude.

I can still see this clearly in my mind when I close my eyes, 30 years later. I was an extremely hyper kid, and I would run off to mischief before anyone had the chance to notice I was gone. Mom and dad were sitting with you in the enclosed patio eating lunch. I was only a few feet away wandering by the pool, mom and dad’s backs to me so they couldn’t see, and I could hear them talking and laughing with you. It was a very hot day and I remember being mad I had to get out of the kiddy side of the pool. So I jumped in at the other side of the pool, not understanding that it was deep at the other side. I remember being shocked and so confused that I could not feel the bottom of the pool when I jumped in. I remember trying to swim back up to the surface to cry for help, but I didn’t know how to swim yet. I remember my face breaking through the surface for a couple brief milliseconds and then sinking back down. I remember suddenly seeing your arms in the water, and next thing I knew I was being pulled out. Stupid me, I did this again right after, but at another side of the pool, thinking maybe there it would be shallow. I remember thinking “oh no not again” and hoping you’d pull me out again, which you did. I don’t remember what happened after that probably because I had my butt whooped so hard.

Dad told me years later that your head was turned to where you only barely saw me both times out of your peripheral vision. If not for that, I would have been found too late.

I sometimes have to be reminded of this during my weakest moments when I feel like giving up on life. I could have died all those years ago. You didn’t save me twice just so I can throw it all away in a moment of weakness. You would have wanted me to be strong, smile, love, and enjoy life as long as I possibly could since your own life was cut short. And I believe as long as you knew somehow that I was still alive and striving to do those things, that that in itself would make you very proud of me.

I may have been little when you died, but I never forgot you. I never forgot how happy I would instantly be upon hearing that you were coming over to see us. I never forgot how warm and friendly you were with me and Jamie, and how much you loved seeing us and hugging us, and having us take turns piggybacking on your shoulders. You always had a huge smile on your face. It’s not fair that you had to go so soon. I never truly got a chance to know you. I grew up only hearing stories from dad. Regardless, you made a tremendous impact on my life. And it’s weird to think that I’m about the same age today as you were when you passed away. But I’m still here, still thinking of you, still alive for the both of us.

Sincerely,
Your still-living cousin
  • Current Music
    “You Found Me” - Kelly Clarkson
Butterfly: Yellow

Dear Taylor Swift,

This letter is to thank you for getting me through what had been the worst depression so far in my life. You are a huge inspiration to me, not just artistically, but as a person. With everything you have been through, you are always strong, and you use your pain to encourage others to be the strongest and best versions of themselves. Your music has been like a close friend, taking my hand and comforting me through a time of loss, bitter hopelessness, and extreme loneliness. I will even go as far as to say that your lyrical work in “folklore” and “evermore” were life-saving.

Thank you for being you. Thank you for sharing your talent with the world that does not deserve you. Thank you for never giving up when most people would have. Thank you for your witty songs from your early days that make me chuckle and remind myself of my teen years. Thank you for the fun bops that make me immediately feel like celebrating anytime I hear them. Thank you for the emotions you made me feel and get out during 2020. Thank you for making me smile today when otherwise I’d have not much of a reason to.

Sincerely,
A very grateful swiftie
  • Current Music
    “evermore” - Taylor Swift ft. Bon Iver
Comics
  • wolf78

Dear psychopath

I get it. You have problems in your head and feel like you should get back at anyone who argues with you because you feel privileged and decide that instead of taking responsibility for your own actions you can simply log online and have your virtual herd ready to pat your head and even attack said mean people you just can't be adult enough to handle.

I also get that you are the type of selfish person who always wants to be right about everything and never admit your own faults when fighting others. Online or otherwise. Your inferiority complex shines true and through.

And this is why you are never going to be happy in your life. Even after you cause damage to others for making the mistake of standing up to your nonsense and attacks, you press on bullying, harassing, and stalking, as well as doxxing and sharing private info of said people you have a grudge against. See, this is not right. One thing is to report bullying and another is causing such when you act like the sole victim here.

One day you might get knee deep in excrement if anyone decides to take legal action against your psychotic behavior. You might not be able to call your online buddies to be your shield this being the case.

Maybe you should just quit the internet and try be productive at anything that benefits humankind instead.
  • Current Mood
    accomplished accomplished

Memories Of A Fond, Fun, and Gone Friend

Dear You,

If I saw you again, I’m not sure we would be friends. The hurt is still real. Real as the gray-blue scale behind your lower front teeth.

You said to me in the mirror, “I am the sort of person with huge blackheads, that’s why I use pore strips.” I never saw a blackhead on you. Your pores were much smaller than mine.

I kept so many things that you released into the world. You were always giving away your home, and I tried to save some of it for you, to put it back together like your disintegrating mind.

Mental Illness, no, you called me from the looney bin when they locked you up. I told you that it’s a social experiment, so take it in and observe! This is your chance, and few people ever get this chance.

And then I drove away with my solar panels on top of the car, and they got smashed. Tragic, but not as tragic as when you burned down your apartment.

While it is much more tragic for the owner, and probably their insurance company, the real tragedy was that your paintings on the wall were then gone. And your bunny cartoons. And whatever else you still had.

But I had your jacket that you had lent me, and I gave it back.

I kept a cup, some Christmas ornaments, and a necklace that you had given me. But I always intended to re-gift them to you.

I can’t though. You must have quit your job at the pharmacy. I don’t see you there anymore. I don’t see your man either. Did you move out?

You always complained of your living conditions. You always said that everything was going downhill, no matter where you were. You would complain of drugs. Was it your boyfriend’s drugs? You would claim every place was bad, I think it was your boyfriend the last two places...

But ultimately, it is not your nest that was the problem.

Looking back, I’m so devastated about your abortion, though I’m quite certain that I would never have changed your mind even if I had tried. You were never one to be good with kids. We do differ in that.

I’m so very sad about your mental illness, and also about our friendship ceasing.

I just have to look back and remember how much I was used, and then I don’t want to call you. I was used for money. I was used for food. My boyfriend was used for food and money too.

I always remember you thanking me though. I still have the organic dish towels. They’ve lost all their color, and they’re covered in spots now. I remember when you accidentally sliced one of them with your knife.

I still have the top to the wooden box. My baby has lost the bottom to it. No matter, the top is beautiful. Maybe it will turn up.

I remember when you squatted behind the old music store. You were like a wild animal coming out of the cold. I’d never experienced having homeless friends until you. Your boyfriend was also homeless.

I remember when you threw that guy’s shoes and cigarettes out of your place, and poured buckets of water on him to get him to leave. That was a hilarious story.

I remember when we all used to hang out together: you me our other friend, and then one random guy from the same apartment complex! Haha. And one of those guys was the one you crushed hard on until he actually finally left his girlfriend for you. I guess either the chase was over or you realized that he smokes too much.

I remember you watching anime and eating salt right out of the jar, night after night. I loved how you always used sea salt toothpaste. I think it represented a new life for me.

You had a knack for finding the most beautiful things. Your gorgeous dividers, and the time you moved to a different city just to live in a historic gorgeous apartment.

I was shocked at how many stunning terrariums you had. You were so before your time with plants and minimal living.

The only man who was ever good for you... You kicked to the curb because he shaved his beard to get a job to support you. He was so broken-hearted that he walked past your work and would look longingly into the window. He would frequent your favorite restaurants and order at a table close to you.

My friend, the artist and con artist. I begged you to come home to our little town. I covered your shift while you went to see your grandmother who you loved so dearly pass away.

It is really a damn shame that we aren’t friends anymore. And why, because I won’t take you out for a free meal? Are you really so petty on the inside?

I need not give you any advice. You used to ask me for advice, but never follow it. You didn’t really want my advice.

Sometimes my advice was bad. Helping you get a job didn’t stop your mental illness.

I didn’t understand your slutting around with older men, but you did lose your father as a teen. I really do feel that this caused much of your problems.

It’s a damn shame that we aren’t friends any longer. I almost loved you like a sister. We were closer than I was to my boyfriend. We were more aligned, back when I was young and even more idealistic. We were so fun together, and a bad pair because we spent so much money together.

I forgive you for not paying me back for the train.

We dragged our friends everywhere. I always wondered if we would stay friends forever. I think friendship just required too much forgiveness and charity on my part after a while.

I’m sorry for any time I was jealous of you, like when you were elected to the board. I’m sorry that things didn’t work out when you were squatting in the hair salon. I didn’t realize that your relationship there had turned sour.

I used to think I deserved to be treated badly, but my loving relationship with my husband has changed my mind.

If you want to have a friendship again, I would like that. I’d like it much more than a “like” on Facebook, or your favorite, twitter. I want to email you. I just haven’t found the words. I don’t think “how are you” does justice.

You were a very charismatic person. Sometimes I fall for people who really do not care about me the same. Everyone loved you. You knew it, too.

I promised our friend that I would keep an eye on you, when she moved to California. I haven’t kept my promise past you leaving the pharmacy job. Nobody knows where you are. I hope you’re okay. I hope things are going well. Maybe you’re in repair. That would be wonderful to hear. If you could at last live somewhere that warmed your own heart.

I should have made you take that good job states away from us. It was the last of the good jobs you were offered. If only I had told you I would move there too, you might have done it. If even for a little bit.

But I didn’t want to leave. I could have, for a summer or so. But it’s all in the past now. No matter. I need to make sure I respect that you wanted no advice, and I did the right thing by setting healthy boundaries.

Do you remember going to the neighboring state to see the plants, and going to the noodle place? That was so awesome. I went there on my honeymoon it was so awesome!

Anyways I could keep going on and on but just wanted to say that I do actually care, and want to have you in my life in some way.

Take care,

Me