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20 December 2016 @ 11:48 pm

It's my life, not yours.

I can't wait for the day I'll finally be free from you.

-The person who remembered today why she has never liked you.
12 December 2016 @ 04:27 pm
Dear Mom,

I wish I never turned 23.

Its a ridiculous thing to say cause all my life I wanted to grow up so badly. But life was simple before I turned 23. At 22 I had this perception everything was awesome. That our family wasn't as bad as I thought it was. And you, god, I was in awe of you. I mean many women in my town were on there couches mooching off husbands. But not you...you were a working mom, an executive, a business owner. You had the drive of a scholar and the bravery of a queen.

And then I turned 23.

I don't know if I was cursed or...it's just what growing up means but I started to see things differently. Everything became cracked and diseased and eroded. People I once admired and I thought were perfect began to show cracks, like grandma, like the phenomenon of erosion took over and began to rot away at nature. What was pretty took it's turn formed.

God I wish it wasn't so considering and for the most time WORSE ways dad treats me, but you were one of them.

I no longer looked at you the wise woman who could take down empires but something else. All these years I thought I was looking at Athena, truth is I was looking at Medusa. Someone controlling. Something that I had to run from and not embrace. I saw how unconfident and mentally ill you are and horrible of a person it could make you sometimes. And the deeper you get wrapped up in this drama the more I lose you.

I don't want to look at you that way. I want it to be the way it was before I turned 23. When I didn't see you day by day and was unfaced with this ugly form. I want to admire you again. I want to be your friend and your daughter. I want you to be the wonder woman I always saw you as.

This job is eating you away day by day. It breaks my heart. It frightens me. It scares me. I hate seeing you upset even though you put me in so much rage in recent days. I want to look at my mom and smile because it happens involuntary, not because I force it. I don't want to hate you like I hate Dad.

I just want to wake up and be 22 again.

That way I can love you the same way I did before again. That I don't have these scaring images and words seered into my brain and will never leave. But the more I watch you crumble under stress and detorioate the more I want to run. I don't wanna run. I want the mother I used to love back.

Please come back Mom. I miss you.

Love Always,
07 December 2016 @ 05:39 pm
It has been so good to see you the last few weeks. I know, you haven't been thrilled about being at the Main Plant, but I don't think you've minded being able to flirt and talk to me the last few weeks. :) And I have missed you. I am off work today, but we talked Monday, which was the last day you were at the Main Plant. You asked me how school was going and what I was doing this weekend. :) Are you trying to ask me out? :) I am really hoping so--I am working really hard to get this paper done before the weekend (it is really due Monday). I really want to hang out with you. I hope we get to see one another outside of work soon. <3
Mood: optimisticoptimistic
04 December 2016 @ 03:22 am

Dear you,

2016 is almost over. It's been a little over a decade since you were murdered but I still think about you a lot. I know it may seem ridiculous but I am constantly drawn to the spot you were killed. I don't know what it is I am expecting but I cannot help but to look for any sign that you are still there. It's so damn silly. I don't make any sense. I think it's just me missing you and the fact that you were taken from this world so quickly and unexpectedly. And you were too fucking young.
Christmas makes me think of you more probably since we worked very hard together on the Christmas parade stuff for our club.
You were such a beautiful soul. I miss you a lot.


30 November 2016 @ 09:14 pm
I find myself thinking of you when I know I should be doing homework. And then today, when I was at work, you were there again during second shift. I am really starting to enjoy this. And YOU... What the heck were you on tonight? LOL First, we are standing at the front of the room because the supervisors don't know where to put about 8 of us. Gabby announces something smells good--it happens to be my hand lotion. Suddenly, I have Nina and Gabby sniffing me. The supervisor asks who wants to go home--"If you want to go home, stand over here" Well I am over there, but I don't want to go home, so I am suddenly standing beside you. I didn't notice you notice me putting my chap stick on. And I guess that is what started it, because the next thing I know, are looking at me and quickly ask how my classes are going. Umm they're going, I say. and a couple volunteer. Some get sent to machines on the bindery area. You, Michelle and I get sent downstairs. I am hoping you and I get to work together. Noooo.... I am put on a machine downstairs and you and Michelle are stuck cleaning. However, that didn't stop you from flirting up a storm. First, you thumb your nose at me, to which I wag my finger at you and tell you to behave. Then, you go off to break without me. (Hello? Like what the heck?! Really? I want to hang out with you and you leave me working!) However, you are still in the break room when I get to go to break so I sit at a table across from you. You wink at me and tap your leg, motioning me to come sit on your lap. OMG--Christopher! I can only IMAGINE the look on my face and HOW RED my face was! I am like Behave yourself! And you are like umm this much... I am like you're behaving more like This much... So I sit at your table. And chat with you a little. Then you have to leave. At seven, I am determined to talk to you. You walk in front of me, and keep sticking your tongue out at me. I was so tempted to tell you " Show it only if you plan to use it!" But I refrained... LOL I will eventually get your phone number, Mr... :) In a couple weeks, I am done with school for a month and I do believe we need to hang out.
Mood: mischievousmischievous
29 November 2016 @ 07:24 pm
Dear small cars,
It's rush hour traffic and it's pitch black outside at night. If you are so close to me that I can't see your headlights, let alone even the light that should be coming from them. You're too effiing close.

Back the EFF up,
The truck you're about to run into.

PS.... its rush hour driving home. There are cars in front of me that are breaking too. Thats why I am going the speed I am and putting my breaks on. Cause I actually care about my truck, and I'm not looking to run into anyone. Bigger vehiles need more space to stop. So quit going out of the single lane road to see if you can get around me. Its annoying. 
28 November 2016 @ 09:23 am
Dear you,
Thank you for being such a kind, caring, supportive person in my life. I feel like things got messy for me again, and parts of me were in a dark place. The time that you've spent with me has been so healing, and you have illuminated some of the shadowy corners created by the walls that I have been building up. I still have a lot to work on for myself, so that I can get myself back to a place where I feel my best, but you have helped so much by merely existing and being your awesome self. You have no idea how much. I appreciate you.
22 November 2016 @ 03:26 pm
Dear B,

Every night, for the last two in a half years, you were the person on my mind before I went to bed. You were in every dream and every day dream. I would write books with heroes based off of you. I was looking for you in every busy place and I could always pick you out of a crowd if you were there. I remember seeing you on the other end of the train and I wondered if I should approach you to remind you that I still existed. I didn’t approach you and you never knew we were on that train together. You also didn't see me when I saw you get on a bus last Saturday night. Back then, I was still scheming ways of winning you back and the greater part of every day was spent thinking of reasons to talk to you.

I can still pick you out of a crowd, but I no longer want to. It's crazy how quickly you can go from being the one thing constantly on my thoughts that influenced most of my life choices to just being somebody I used to know.

I guess I want to thank you for shaping the last few years of my life, even though I know that it could have been so much better if I had never met you. I want you to know that I will never be angry that I met you. I will never be angry that you may have ruined my life. I will never be angry that, for so long, you were the reason I thought that I couldn't find anyone else to love.

20 November 2016 @ 06:15 pm

Dear old friends,

I know that we've had our good and bad times. I know we've gone through some serious rap in our lives. But I'm reaching out to say I am truly sorry. I know I was a rough and tumble kid. I know I was a really messed up teenager. The abuse I suffered at both the hands of my mother, and a ex spouse were part and parcel for my behaviour. Now it doesn't excuse it, but it showed me life in a different Color, once I left both behind. I'm truly sorry. I wish things could've been different. I've raised 5 wonderful children, two of which to adulthood. I just wish we could've stayed friends. I wish you nothing but the best in life...& if our lives ever crossed paths again in here.

Love, B.

19 November 2016 @ 10:06 pm
I know you probably don't like being at the Main plant, although being on a saddle isn't as bad as being on the binder--usually. However, I have loved being able to see you the last week. :) We had Thanksgiving at work, but you didn't eat (which I can't say I blame you). It was nice to have an extended break and we got to sit and talk. I enjoyed telling you my favorite Thanksgiving memory--and I loved hearing you laugh about it! And then you told me how much you think we're alike. :) I am hoping maybe you'll want to hang out after my finals are done--which, thanks to Marsha, you know is December 13th.
18 November 2016 @ 02:30 pm
Dear All Of You,

I walk this life alone and am my only best friend.
People seem to only really care when you've passed on to another life.
When you're there in the flesh, no one even seems to blink an eye.
People always seem to want to capture your heart when it is too late.
18 November 2016 @ 03:09 pm
It's funny how I can't even address this letter properly. I never knew who you were but you were the guy I always saw in the library. I went there to read or study, but then suddenly, I also wanted to catch a glimpse of you

I honestly wanted to talk to you. To say a quick hello, give a friendly smile. But I was too shy and scared to think you would reply. I can't even carry a conversation or stay in a relationship, so who was I try?

But the possibilities haunt me. What if I did? What if I gathered up the courage to actually look you in the eye. To act as if I actually noticed you?

Would you have seen me as the familiar face you always saw in the library? Would you have actually acknowledge me?

What if I actually said hello? Would that have that made a difference?

But then I what if you saw me as something different.

Stalker. Obsessive. Girl that's always there in the library.

It's been two years since I last saw you and I'm still wondering, what if?
17 November 2016 @ 07:37 am

Dear precious little baby,

I am so excited to meet you. You're not even 10 weeks yet but I am already so excited. I'm so excited for you to meet your big brother. I hope he understands he's not being replaced, but instead he is adding a life long friend.

I hope you two become the best of friends and look out for each other and support each other for the rest of your lives. I don't even know if you're a boy or a girl yet. But I can't wait to find out.

We have some of the cutest names already picked out for when we officially know your gender.

And we can't wait til next week to announce your existence to all our friends. Our family already knows. But it's not official til it's Facebook official 😂

Love you little one. 😘

15 November 2016 @ 10:15 am
Though I once worshiped the ground you walked upon, I realize now it was only earth- dirt and sand and clay- made mud by my tears on that day you disappeared. Go figure.

And you? Well, you were only a man- flesh and blood and bone- made moot by the needle that flushed your veins with false nirvana. And to think, you could have settled on shooting me up instead... At least until heaven reclaimed us.

As for me? I'm still just a machine; a by-product- of moments and feelings and thought- made mute by your leaving. Until oblivion meets me, I'll be here, stuck fruitlessly downloading you into my aged and deteriorating system, beyond support, with no way to forget, or wipe you from my hard-drive to be rewrit. I guess I should have saved that free software upgrade. Oh well.

Always, Amen,
Lost Prophet.
Music: Welcome Home- Radical Face
15 November 2016 @ 08:32 pm
You guys have been my freinds for a long time and as long as I remember you guys were the BESTEST OF FREINDS so whats with the sudden fights and arguement. Rachel, I know you can't leave anyone alone who feeles uncomfortable and lonely, thats fine....Daizy, I know you can be possesive sometimes but then again who isn't....Rachel giving company to others dosen't mean leaving out your BFF consider how she will feel...even you know that she will have problems trusting someone again after that big fight with Aria. You even assured her that you'll never ever leave her alone so why now?!
Daizy I know you've been patient for quiet sometime now even I saw that outburst coming Rachel can be thick headed sometimes but please give each other another chance
Mood: sadsad
14 November 2016 @ 08:06 am
We haven't talked in almost 3 months and then suddenly you message me out of the blue.
You say that all you ever wanted was me.
I want to tell you that I'm dating someone new finally. We've been dating since the end of August.
I showed him your recent messages. He held me tight in his arms while we slept because he knew I was upset.

Darryl, I do still love you, but I don't think there is any going back. It's not worth it. It will never be the same.
I hope you find love and happiness. I hope that as the days pass you think of me less and less and only fond thoughts and memories.

12 November 2016 @ 11:58 am
Dear You,

Its really funny how often you pop up in my life at times when I'm not even thinking of you. Last night while cleaning up my desk I found the receipt for the all-in-one printer. I saw the date and realized it was just a few days past the anniversary of buying the printer -- the one  you and I went to Best Buy to purchase.

Remember how I agonized over the purchase? Remember going to Frisch's for coffee afterward? Those memories flooded my brain from out of nowhere ... how can such non-events be so crystal clear when I can't remember my mother's birthday? (I've never forgotten yours, no matter how hard I try)

But in the past couple of months, something has changed. In a private blog, I wrote a lengthy journal entry that looking back, was a declaration of my independence from you. Of course, we aren't together, but my heart has been attached to you -- and in some ways it remains that way. But even that has changed. I can only say that I have taken reclaimed control of that part of my heart I gave to you those years ago. It was the part you stomped the shit out of and kicked to the curb; you didn't want it, and given my actions at the time I deserved what I got.

I know, I know, "perception is reality." But what I have struggled with is the fact the assumptions you made, and the perceptions on which you based them, were not based on reality. That's been the basis of depression and sadness that's been my constant partner in my life since you left. But in my declaration, I accepted my actions, took responsiblity for them, and vowed to quick making excuses.

And I also had to finally realize that you are outside my circle of control; I have no ability to conrtol a single thing beyond my own actions. And I also realized that since you left I have mostly lived my life trying to make decisions based on what I thought you would want to do. It was as though my brain never accepted you walking out on us, and that I lived a life believing you were bound to return.

Cognitively, I know better. I accepted you were gone. I have mourned your loss since the hour you left. My love has never faultered, never wavered -- and also never let you leave. Hope springs eternal, they say.

But writing my declaration, I understood in heart for the first time that I was responsible for the heartache I have lived with, and it had to be my choice to allow the heartache to heal. I think the truth is I wanted to hold onto the pain as a sort of penance for what happened, my actions and my loss of you. I told myself the day you left I didn't want to live a life without you in it; that statement is a declaration, a choice that I made. And now, living a full and complete life without you in it is my latest declaration.

Its been a long time coming. And of course, none of this is in any way a statement of anger directed toward you. This is all mine and I own this.

I love you; I always have and always will. I am a better person for having loved you too. Even my actions that hurt you so horribly -- and your decision to leave -- had helped me become a better person. I'm not the man I was then .. I know that's an easy statement to say, but its the challenge I face every morning when I look in the mirror. I consciously decide each morning to be an honorable man, to treat others in my life with the courtesy, love and respect they deserve -- and even if in my estimation they do not deserve it.

So what's changed? My love for you? No. My hundreds of photos of you and I together? No. The change isn't a visible one, but an internal one. I'm happy with the change, and as crazy as this sounds, I feel like this was the next much-needed step in the change in me I have worked to achieve.

You are still with me, but I no longer cede control of my happiness to another person, memory or emotion. For the first time since you left, I can think of you without feeling loss and hearache. You still make me smile.

09 November 2016 @ 06:17 pm
So I saw you the last couple of days. I have missed you. But you leave me feeling so confused sometimes. You call me Dear, Honey, etc, but we small talk about stuff like work, the weather, etc. Though you did tell me a few stories about your past. :) I so wanted to try to get your number and ask you if you were doing anything this weekend. :/ I suppose until next time I see you, it will have to wait.
Mood: disappointeddisappointed
09 November 2016 @ 08:53 pm
It had to be me why ME!!! All these kinds of incidents take place with you only WHY?!?!?!?

(in school) Here I was sitting peacefully packing my stuff, talking to my freind and the boy seated next to me (not gonna mention his name but lets call  him Luc) packed his stuff and was ready to leave until he tripped over me and.........my precious first kiss was stolen.... And yeah this stuff happens in real life. Expereinced it today GOD it would have been okay if he was my crush I'm not saying he looks bad or has attitude but lets admit it it was *MY* FIRST KISS.

Well what's done is done nothing can reverse it I need to think about how I'm gonna face him tomorrow its gonna be a hell of an awkward atmoshere........Well Luc ain't B-A-D he's got looks, he's kind, and he's obviously got brains

Mood: embarrassedembarrassed
09 November 2016 @ 12:51 am
Dear Friend's Husband,

You asked me for advice to save your marriage. I regret to inform you that you are losing your wife fast. She is going out with her "friend" who is a divorced male that she is being super open and emotionally available to. I don't think he's more than a rebound guy and he's not Mr. Wonderful for her. But if you don't get intensive marriage counseling, and if you don't quit smoking so much weed that you can't be emotionally available, you are definitely going to lose her.
I wanted to tell you that you have serious problems that need to be addressed, but you don't have good boundaries with me, so I feel like all I can say is "I think marriage counselors have much better advice than I do and they can actually help."
You have boundary issues, you smoke too much weed, and if you don't quit getting high all the time I guarantee you are going to lose her. She wants you to be emotionally available and admit to her what's really going on in your life. You have clearly not been honest or close with her. If you're not willing to do that, you will definitely lose her.
I always thought you guys were great, that you were an item. You are the first of my close friends to be getting a divorce, and that really hurts my heart. It's really truly bothering me, because I care about both of you and want the best for you.
If you were cheating on her, it's time to face it, give a real genuine apology, not beat around the bush. You have to be willing to accept that she is probably going to leave anyway. You definitely need intensive marriage counseling, and you need it in the next week or so, otherwise it's all going to be over with. I don't think there is any point in being so negative with you, so I talk in positive terms of things you could do that might be able to save your marriage. But in the back of my mind, I realize that she's probably decided this a long time ago when she found the long, straight, blonde hairs on her pillow and towel.


Extremely Awkward Concerned Friend
06 November 2016 @ 11:58 am
How could you?! You are responsible for my present self YOU were the ones who made me like this so YOU should learn to accept ME the way I am. Didn't YOU think about this before restricting my freedom, restricting my actions, restricting MY PERSONALITY and here you lecturing about the way I am there is nothing more outrageous than having to get a lecture about your personality from your OWN PARENTS. I've had enough of this from this moment on I won't cry on your lectures instead I will face them head-on, I won't restrict my actions at your will I will do what I want. I will strengthen myself to answer back to you.  
Mood: angryangry
06 November 2016 @ 10:01 am
You were so optimistic; you were not lost. You were so strong. You know when and how to stand up. But now, you're not like that anymore. But I know you are kind. Though you are so messy, I know you are good. Yes, you lie and hide from other people. But I know you try to do better than your best. Now, I want you to know that I love you no matter what. This is not what I asked for. If I can only change it.....
04 November 2016 @ 11:36 am
*sigh a happy sigh* I finally saw him. We had a meeting at work and my crew had their meeting at 1:45. We were to be out at 2:55. His meeting was to start at 3. Gosh, how I had hoped to see him, just to get a glimpse.

My meeting was close to being over and I started noticing some people in the hallway. But where was HE? my mind wondered. He was in the hall, as soon as I rounded the corner, I ran into Gabby. I love that girl. :) She just makes me smile. And then, our eyes met. Hello, Christopher :) The thing is.... there is something in the way he looked at me. I think we both feel it...we've missed one another... a lot. He had a big smile on his face when our eyes met. And what did I do? I didn't stop and talk. We small talked (like usual--Hey, how are you?) because his meeting is getting ready to start. But Gosh, I just wanted to stop and talk to him. And I am totally kicking myself for not doing it. DANG IT!
Mood: hopefulhopeful
17 October 2016 @ 02:01 pm
Dear You,

She isn't perfect.
Sometimes she fails.
Sometimes she cries.
Sometimes she says the wrong thing.
She is trying though...she tries so hard and does so much.
... but please try back.
At least try back.
Give her that at least.
It's like throwing a bottle into the ocean and expecting it to roll up onto the shore. The thing is...it will really just get carried out to sea and will never be seen again.
Don't let her efforts be empty bottles floating in an endless sea.
17 October 2016 @ 06:02 pm
Dear You,

It’s been so long time since we talked to each other. Don’t you know that I miss you?

Where are you? Please, tell me. I went far to the east, to the west, to the south and to the north but still, I wasn’t able to find you.

If you will not come back to me, better I die. But if you will come back to me, I promise that I will fight for you and defend you.

I will make you happy. Just come back to me. Please, my dear. Let’s be together again.
Location: Philippines,
Mood: depresseddepressed
Music: Stay With Me by Carol Banawa