I wish I never turned 23.
Its a ridiculous thing to say cause all my life I wanted to grow up so badly. But life was simple before I turned 23. At 22 I had this perception everything was awesome. That our family wasn't as bad as I thought it was. And you, god, I was in awe of you. I mean many women in my town were on there couches mooching off husbands. But not you...you were a working mom, an executive, a business owner. You had the drive of a scholar and the bravery of a queen.
And then I turned 23.
I don't know if I was cursed or...it's just what growing up means but I started to see things differently. Everything became cracked and diseased and eroded. People I once admired and I thought were perfect began to show cracks, like grandma, like the phenomenon of erosion took over and began to rot away at nature. What was pretty took it's turn formed.
God I wish it wasn't so considering and for the most time WORSE ways dad treats me, but you were one of them.
I no longer looked at you the wise woman who could take down empires but something else. All these years I thought I was looking at Athena, truth is I was looking at Medusa. Someone controlling. Something that I had to run from and not embrace. I saw how unconfident and mentally ill you are and horrible of a person it could make you sometimes. And the deeper you get wrapped up in this drama the more I lose you.
I don't want to look at you that way. I want it to be the way it was before I turned 23. When I didn't see you day by day and was unfaced with this ugly form. I want to admire you again. I want to be your friend and your daughter. I want you to be the wonder woman I always saw you as.
This job is eating you away day by day. It breaks my heart. It frightens me. It scares me. I hate seeing you upset even though you put me in so much rage in recent days. I want to look at my mom and smile because it happens involuntary, not because I force it. I don't want to hate you like I hate Dad.
I just want to wake up and be 22 again.
That way I can love you the same way I did before again. That I don't have these scaring images and words seered into my brain and will never leave. But the more I watch you crumble under stress and detorioate the more I want to run. I don't wanna run. I want the mother I used to love back.
Please come back Mom. I miss you.