I need to tell you all this. I hope you’ll continue to talk to me after this, but you need to hear the thoughts that fill my heart everyday.
When I first saw you at the coffee shop, I knew that I wanted to talk to you. I said to the people in the shop: “Who is that girl? I really want to talk to her.” I was nervous about talking to you for weeks, but one day I was waiting to use the rest room and you asked me to get your computer connected to the coffee shop's internet. I was so happy that you were talking to me, but I tried really hard to seem indifferent (I didn’t want to scare you or make you feel like I was just like any other guy…you must get asked out all the time…at least that’s how you beautiful you seem to me).
Another day I came in and I saw you in the center room and decided to read my stuff near where you were sitting. I had hoped that I would get a chance to talk to you more and I got so much more than I thought. You were kind and open. I felt really awesome around you, and I thought it would be cool to go to the fest. So I asked you… But you had a boyfriend at the time, so we couldn’t.
We saw each other a few times in the coffee shop after that, but I wasn’t really sure what to do. So I didn’t pursue much at that time. But I do remember describing you as incredible to be around and really nice (not to mention so… so beautiful…you are easily the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen, both physically and mentally).
I then went to a conference in the summer and when I came back, I saw you. I asked if we could be friends and you said that it would be alright as long as I wasn’t doing it with the intention of ultimately being with you. At the time, I think I was being genuine when I agreed (but that didn’t mean I wasn’t interested). You were so cool to me in that conversation and it was easy to talk to you even though I was crazy at that time…my take on gender politics was a bit…well… abrasive, I think. But you took it in stride (and became my friend in spite of it).
After that, it was so easy to talk to you (no more being nervous…I just wanted your friendship…and still want that). One day, I opened up to you at the coffee shop about my past. Up until that moment, I had been walking around with that past on my back. I was constantly worried about my future, both professionally and personally. I thought that it would be insurmountably hard to find a good job, and I thought I would never meet a girl I was interested in who would be ok with my past. After I told you about my past, you smiled (and maybe giggled a little) and said these words that I will never forget: “It’s not that bad.” My heart skips a beat when I write this…imagine how I felt in that moment. You have to know that when I say you are beautiful, I am referring not just to your physical beauty (which is immense), but also to this part of you…the part of you that makes me feel like I can do anything…the part of you that makes me feel like I don’t have to carry the past like a burden (I’m crying as I write this).
I knew then that I wanted you as a friend for sure…regardless of what I want to happen romantically.
We got pancakes and another time I saw you at Rue de la Course, where you poured your heart out to me. I was so touched that you felt comfortable enough to share (I hope you still do). I really wanted to be there for you and you were letting me do that.
One day, I asked you to go to a movie with me, and when you showed up at the restaurant, I couldn’t believe how beautiful you were. It was so cool talking to you at the restaurant, but when you agreed to hang out with me at Puccinos and pour your heart out again, I was again touched. I told you that I wanted you romantically and you said something like: “Well, I’m letting you know now that I’m pretty stubborn.” I didn’t take that as a challenge, but figured I could wait years for you to find out what you wanted and maybe I would end up being part of that. I think I even said that to you.
We went to the movie and I loved that you enjoyed it. As I told you before, the best part of that movie occurred when you took your jacket off. It was a like a ray of sunshine had caught my eye…a blast of air… For you, you were just taking off your jacket…for me it was the first time we were together and you seemed comfortable next to me. God, I wanted to hold your hand or put my arm around you…but I stopped myself. Again, I didn’t want to scare you. I wanted you to feel safe…like you were around someone you could trust (and I had just tried so hard to be your friend…I didn’t want to break that trust).
As you know, for years I really wanted to be in a relationship with just any reasonably attractive girl who was kind. But the day after the movie, I went from wanting just anyone to wanting just you.
Later, I invited you to my home for Shabbat dinner. I hoped to give you the most beautiful (and authentic) experience I could. My friend told me (the next day) that you were beautiful “not just on the outside, but on the inside as well.” He compared you to Catherine Deneuve (in her youth). I’ve looked and you are far more beautiful. Anyway, after the dinner, I feel like I made some mistakes. I was really sick and should not have had guests over at all. The truth is that I was so excited that you were interested in coming over, I decided it was more important to have the opportunity to have you over than to take the risk that you might not agree to come to my house some other night (again, I have this fear because I worry that some other guy is going to scoop you up when I’m not looking…we are just friends after all). After the dinner, you offered to help me clean the dishes and I was so rude to you…again, I was sick, and I know that’s no excuse…but it, I think, explains my irritability…I feel so stupid about it. I should have just washed dishes with you. It would have been fun and a way to hang out with you. You agreed to watch Donnie Darko (my absolute favorite movie), and I was so happy about that. After that, we talked and you stayed talking to me until 2:30 am. I couldn’t believe how much time you had spent with me… You asked me what I was doing for the rest of the night…and I thought to myself that I needed to rest because I was coughing so much. So I told you I was going to wash dishes and go to sleep. I feel like I must have made a mistake when I did that, because now you I’m having trouble reaching you over text.
All I do know is this: I feel like a better person when I’m around you…I feel like I can do anything…be anything. I think about you all the time. I can’t stop telling people about you. You are so incredible and I just don’t want to miss the chance to love you…if there is a chance.
I know you have a boyfriend, and an ex-boyfriend, but I want to go on a real date with you. I want to bring you flowers and take you to the nicest restaurants. I want to be there for you whenever you are hurting and celebrate with you when you are happy. I want to kiss you.
But most of all, I really don’t want to lose you as a friend.