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19 July 2016 @ 01:32 am
Hello everyone!

It's time for a new writing prompt. Before I post one, just a reminder that if you need anything, please leave a comment on this post. Comments are screened and either chendamoni or I will respond as soon as possible.

In addition, please remember the formatting rules for all entries posted. This is a community for unsent letters - please have all posts formatted as "Dear {x},". Your letters should be written with the assumption that the recipient will not read them.

For the July writing exercise if you're seeking inspiration:
Write a letter about something that seemed unimportant in the past but ended up being important to you now. Maybe it's something that affected another person, maybe it's something that only affected yourself.

There will be a new writing prompt in about 30 days and any suggestions you have are welcome. Feel free to leave a comment below with an idea.

Happy writing!
--me
 
 
27 July 2016 @ 04:00 pm
Dear You,

I can't believe you actually ask me what I’m thinking. I think that’s kind of sad...I adore that you have the decency to ask what’s on my mind and to check up on my sanity even if it’s only out of common courtesy, but the fact that I am so attracted to that because I get so little of it says a lot about my life as is.

As I walked away the first thing that popped into my head was if love can become materialistic. A part of me was telling me that it was impossible and that sometimes there really is a black and white, binary, straight to the point answer; and that answer is no. One could argue that what I feel is infatuation or admiration and thankfulness. I know I appreciate the character you behold and I enjoy the conversations, the intimacy, the silences, the sleep, and time that I’ve spent here, but I feel like I took advantage of it too much. That in finding a fulfillment in this presence, I’ve found a part of myself that yearns for more than you offered and that the part of me that doesn’t want to keep in the boundaries is becoming selfish.
I feel this ugliness inside me because I can’t think of good thoughts and I don’t know what to do.

I have this constant itch and desire to say that I love you and inside it’s pulling me and sealing my lips from doing the very thing I’m trying to do. I just want to open up, I want these barriers and walls to break down. I want you to see me. I want you so bad, but this part of me isn’t letting that happen and it’s not fair to you because maybe you wanted it too. It’s also not fair because I have to think about putting you first and to remind myself that I train to have a good heart, instead of already having one. One day I'm going to look back and I pray that I'll know exactly what was right.

Warmest Regards,

Mac

P.S.
I'm a pro.
 
 
Monday, 3 a.m.

Dear You,

I told you last that I was swearing off writing about you, and I've been telling myself that's true because what I'm NOT going to do is to rehash every moment of every mistake I made. But the truth is that despite the passage of these years, you are still a part of me. Trying to ignore that fact is like trying to deny my own humanity. I cannot let you go, no matter how much part ofme  tries.

I'm a wad of contradictions, I know. But aren't we all basically the sum of our experiences? If I could surgically remove your memory from my life, wouldn't that require the loss of so much of who I am now? I can't remove you without removing me as well. And despite the pain that is also part of that is the recognition of who I am now is due in no small part to who you are, and who you were in my life. I made you despise me, you were hurt and you lashed out, and all I can do is ocassionally drown myself in my regrets. I cannot undo the past; learn from it, yes, but without you it means so little. I find myself still searching for meaning -- the same meaning in life that I felt when you and I were together. I've accepted that it can never be that way again, but my soul clings to the irrational hope that some how, some way, it can happen.

Sometimes I wonder if part of me would die if I gave up that hope. I've wanted it to -- just to excise you from my life, to end the shame, the regret. I always choose not to in the end. You entered my life and I fucked it up. You deserved better, I agree. Part of me still -- even years later -- can never forgive myself.

And so it goes ...
 
 
15 July 2016 @ 05:49 pm
It was so good to see everyone at the TFC over the weekend at work. I have really missed seeing your face in particular. :) And reporting to TFC for my last 4 hrs of work was another nice bonus chance to see you. I love your little flirtations. And I have missed them a lot. I know you are on vacation this coming week. I don't know what your plans are--but hopefully, you have a great time. :) I won't lie, I am kinda hoping you get in touch and we hang out. It probably won't happen, but if it did, it would make me extremely happy.
 
 
15 July 2016 @ 01:33 pm

Dear you,

I don't know why you felt we were in competition. I wanted to be your friend. But you did some terrible things and I didn't want to be friends with someone who enjoyed hurting others to feel better about themselves. I never wanted to take anything from you and still don't. Especially friends. Because this ISN'T a competition. I am not better than you and I never saw myself that way towards anyone. I never hated you and I still don't hate you. I respected you until you disrespected the ones I love. I cared about you until you showed you cared more about yourself than others. And I admired you until you showed me how mean and immature you can actually be. My point in all of this is that you blame everything on me and try to act like we have been competing this whole time but you fail to acknowledge why I stopped being your friend and that it was for understandable reasons. You know what you have done and are doing. You are definitely not stupid. And even though you express so much hatred towards me now, I still believe in you.

Sincerely,
Me

 
 
 
12 July 2016 @ 02:27 am
Dear You,

I am returning to let you know that I'm having second thoughts about writing more letters to you. Please understand that it is not a reflection of a loss of feelings in my heart; quite the opposite is true. You only left my life in the physical sense.

So for the past few years I continue to stumble forward (or so it feels), hoping that in our smallish town we will cross paths. And in my mind, I replay the scenario over and over ... I tell you about how my kids are doing, I ask about your daughter (despite the fact I check on her from time to time on social media). We are both on our ways to somewhere else, but you light up as though you are happy to see me; I soak in your smile as the casual manner of conversation returns between us, as though no time has passed.

Nice fantasy that will never happen ... and that can never happen.

When you left you did so with the full intent to do the maximum amount of harm -- knowning full well that psychologically I was vulnerable. And it was not so much your loss that drove me to consider suicide; it was the fact that I had hurt you as I had. For about a month I did not believe I deserved to continue to live. I needed to be punished in the worst possible way. I needed to feel that I had been punished sufficiently. But all I could feel was the guilt and shame in a never-ending cycle of self-loathing and self-blame.

The words of my father echoed in my head for the first couple of years ... "You'll never amount to anything the way you are going, son...." "If you fuck this up then you are screwed. You'll never find anyone else to take you."

Being unable to apologize to you was like a prison sentence. My action that hurt you were chained to me forever. They still are, but I have become accustomed to the drag they  have on my life.

There's so much more to say, but last night I had a realization ... writing to you like this is giving you renewed power over me. Am I allowing you back into my head by writing here? Am I letting slip from my psyche the growth I achieved in therapy? Am I seeking to dig up the pain just so I can feel it again?

My real fear is that the pain, the shame, the guilt will return with the emotional damage they once caused me -- that I allowed it to cause is the truth. I learned a lot from re-evaluating our relationship in therapy; I changed my life; I applied the lessons of how to be a better person. I guess the one thing that was never fixed was being allowed to apply them to you.

Nothing has changed. But everything has changed. I must embrace what has changed and recognize that I'm not the selfish bastard who hurt you then. It doesn't matter that you know it, because nothing can change between us. Maybe that's what I'm hoping for -- a sliver of your life? Friendship? More? No. It cannot happen and playing this game only reopens old wounds. I understand how sweet pain can feel to relive, but in this case, it will only drag me back into an abyss of negativity that I once escaped. I may not be so lucky if I tempt fate a second time.

Thank you again for what you brought my life. The truth is that you were a blessing to me; had it  not been for you, I would not be the better person I am today. I will leave you with my gratitude, and the knowledge that I will not allow the past to redefine my future in this space. My wish for you is continued success and peace.

So long.
 
 
11 July 2016 @ 10:09 am
Dear you,

You've been there for me through everything. You've stuck by my side through every mistake, and you've helped me clean up all of my messes without holding it against me or judgment. I just want you to know that I appreciate you more than anything for that. I love you unconditionally for being my rock, and I am sorry things haven't worked out the way we both planned. We have a child together and also one that may not be biologically yours... but you treat her just as you treat our daughter... and that is how she views you. You are the most incredible father, and I couldn't have asked for a better person to be that part of my life. Maybe one day you and I will finally be on the same page, but I will take what we have for now. I would't trade you for anyone in the entire world. Thank you.

Sincerely,
K
 
 
10 July 2016 @ 07:41 pm
The one who was reminding me so much of you, the one who was talking to me because I was both "safe" and low-hanging, stopped talking to me. I resisted the easy way. I ignored and lampshaded the hints that kept bringing up the possibility that the conversation might turn sexy. I giggled and said, "You're a silly bullet-dodging man, Col. Silly Bullet-Dodger!" when he mentioned being wistful about not having married me. If his wife comes back to him, I want him to show a clean heart to her. I wanted to tell him, "Many years ago, I felt trapped in a relationship, and I left. But I left my heart behind, and my lover barred the doors and the windows, and all I can do is stare creepily at the place I left my heart, forever. I can't be complicit in doing that to your wife," but the conversation had moved past that place.

I miss you, my dear friend. I miss you and almost twenty years later it hurts like my belly has been scalded. I am so sorry I didn't see that you needed me to be "safe." I am so sorry that I was low-hanging, instead.

You have this beautiful life. It would not have been possible if I had not left. Be good to your wife and your sisters and your boy. Tread softly, for you tread upon my dreams.
 
 
Wednesday, July 6

Dear You:

It's been nearly eight years and I still find you in my thoughts. After years of dealing with this in therapy, I actually believed that the passage of time would reduce the sting of this loss. I prayed the advancement of time would reduce the pain and the guilt that have gnawed at my soul over the years.

It hasn't.

The waves of crippling guilt did subside over time, but they remain just below the surface. On a quiet night, laying in bed, the guilt rises like the tide, edging closer to my consciousness -- just close enough to remind me what a scumbag I was.

I know perception is reality, but the assumptions you jumped to were way off base when it came to my true intentions. What's that saying about the road to hell. Yeah.

My years in therapy also helped me understand the nature of our relationship, and how my past experiences set me up to act the way I did out of fear -- a fear based of being abandoned by those I care for.

I won't make this long. I'll have more to write, its been a long time since I've written to you. But not a day goes by when you aren't on my mind ... when something reminds me of your dancing eyes, your beautiful smile, the soothing tone of your voice. Like the guilt, the sense of loss I feel also is cyclical. Tonight the loss is intense, and I wish like hell I could see you -- just to see you from afar.

It's a pleasant thought that can never be, but pleasant just the same.

Me
 
 
04 July 2016 @ 07:22 pm
Dear you,

It's been a while since the last time we've talked. I guess you moved on.
Yesterday was your birthday, I realized that I've been sitting there crying for you for a long time.
It's been a year since the last time we've talked, people ask me about you.
What should I tell them?
Oh, yes, I haven't seen her in a year, and every time I try to connect again she doesn't cooperate.
I'm done being the one that has to make an effort.
People always tell me that I have to try harder, but don't you see? I have tried as hard as I could, and it doesn't work.
I didn't said anything about your birthday, I didn't tried to make everything okay.
I'm happy now, and I need to let you go.
So I guess this is it.
I'm moving on.
I'll remember you of course, but I won't live on the past anymore.
It's time to let you go.

Goodbye,
A friend.
 
 
 
30 June 2016 @ 04:09 pm
I feel like s---. I am FED UP with this.
I hate my days.
I hate my job.
I feel defeated.
I feel soulless.

But I won't let you know it. I'll just smile in front of you, faking a happiness that just can't surpass the sadness -and maybe depression- that I carry
every.
damn.
day.

I will smile in front of you. I will tell you "how beautiful life is". And I won't let you know how I truly feel.

Cause I don't want to put on a burden on your shoulders.

And so...

I'll just smile.
 
 
Mood: draineddrained
 
 
29 June 2016 @ 02:02 am
dear darryl

You've said you miss me.
You've said you still love me.

What now? We've been broken up for three months now, and it still hurts like hell. I don't know what I'm supposed to do now. Just wait until you miss me enough? I'm afraid to suggest anything, I'm way too fragile to handle rejection.

So lost.

-me
 
 
28 June 2016 @ 07:30 am
We met and it was an instant connection. Even though you insisted on awkwardly butting in on all the other conversations I was having with my friends, then leaving 5 seconds later, I knew you were teasing me. You were aware that I was attracted to you, and I was painfully aware that you were attracted as well. When you finally made your move at the end of the night by sweeping me away from my friends and getting me alone, my heart skipped. For some reason my thought was I wanted to bring you to the beach. It popped into my head out of no where. So... that's exactly what I did.

We sat on the sand and you told me things about yourself that I knew were painful to say out loud. How you felt about yourself, how your family felt about you, the mistakes you've made. I think with just about anyone else this would have made me feel awkward, but with you it felt natural. As if you were an old friend that I randomly crossed paths with years down the road.

You kissed me and it was magical. We laughed and made fun of each other for being socially inept. We touched and teased. It was innocent and felt right.

I know you're mad at me because I distanced myself. Even though we have spoken since, I know it seems my interest has deteriorated. I promise it has not... I just worry that two people with so much baggage will make a huge mess if we combine it. I want you in a way that doesn't make much sense to me and that scares me as well. I just hope that maybe I can get out of my own way and do what you asked...

"Is it possible for me to convince you to actually try?"
"Try what?"
"To not be scared."

It's like you read my mind and I'm blown away by you.
 
 
26 June 2016 @ 02:45 pm

Dear you,

I am sorry for your loss. I was considering messaging you to send you my condolences but I am sure I am the last person you wanna hear from.
Sincerely,
Me

 
 
24 June 2016 @ 03:32 pm

Dear you,
I think you know I wouldn't ever wanna hurt your feelings. I'm not that kind of person. I look at you sometimes and I feel like you still don't trust me. You have no reason to not trust me. I think you should know by now I won't go behind your back and do stupid things. There's no reason for me to and I am not that kind of person. I care about people (sometimes I think more than I should) and it hurts me anytime I see them hurt. So, why would I do things that would hurt you? I may sometimes act over protective and try to keep you from getting hurt and in the long run just end up coming back and slapping me in the face. I need to learn to stop trying to shelter people from cruel realities. And I need to keep being more honest instead of hiding my feelings. I am doing better though, don't you agree? My therapist said I have a terrible avoidance habit and I want to do better. You have been really supportive of me and I am forever grateful. I just wish you would stop doubting things and even me sometimes. Other than that.. I think we are inseparable.
Sincerely,
Me

 
 
 
23 June 2016 @ 04:21 pm

Dear you,
I have nearly given up on you. But you just proved that you still care to be my friend. Sometimes I have thought about surprising you at work since I don't remember how to get to your apartment. It's not that long of a drive so it wouldn't be inconvenient. I want to give you the birthday gift I never got to give you. It's been sitting with my unfinished canvases collecting dust. I haven't even taken a picture of it yet. Oh well, now I think I'll finally be able to give it to you and that makes me happy. I hope you love it. I think you will.
Sincerely,
Kelly

 
 
20 June 2016 @ 12:31 pm
Originally posted by sistertraveler at Dear You (dying mother)
Dear You,
I don't know you well enough to tell you the way you left me broken-hearted. I peeked into your room as you lay dying on the hospital bed and was broken with that first sight. I heard how you "denied all medical intervention" and I wanted to get a glimpse of you before coming in and introducing myself.
There you were lying in pain just as white and gaunt and closer resembling a skeleton than I had ever seen personally. Cachetic, one who suffers from cachexia and you were the perfect example of this word we use in medicine to mean "the wasting away of". When I came in and introduced myself as your nurse, I was scared of making you feel worse because here I was, a young woman brimming with life and a future. You smiled at me and even though you were on the very edge of life and death the lovely light that was you entered into my some dark corners of me.
The judgements that me as an atheist made towards you, a religious whack, who believes in a religion which would deny all treatment and let a young mother of even younger children die such a pointless and demeaning death were there. You as you rotted away with that tumor necrotizing and oozing Putrid waste products and slough. The tumor, you told me started as a small bump had in 6 months become this decomposing cauliflower of a neoplasm which had stolen all of your blood and nutrients and life. The smell that was so strong we had to close your door and spray santizing aerosols all up and down the ward to keep others with weaker stomachs from becoming sick.
Your shy and embarrassed manner as you asked for help on a bedpan, your waxen boggy skin, and the knowledge shared between us of your impending death was too much for me. For days afterward I couldn't stop thinking of you. Your parents were aging and couldn't care for you. You only came to the hospital to get hospice benefits so someone could come to your house and bathe you and help you to the toilet and I imagined myself coming home with you and caring for you and your children.
When I came back to the hospital after a few days off, I wasn't your nurse but I said hello and brought you a fancy chocolate. I saw you wheeled away on a stretcher by Ambulance drivers who were taking you home. I drive by your house and wonder are you still alive, how are your children, did you get a break from the pain and allow some morphine in, does your family of the same religion blame the religion for your death, why didn't you just allow a doctor to remove that small cluster of neoplastic cells, why did you have to take on such suffering?
With love,
Your heart-broken nurse
 
 
04 June 2016 @ 07:17 pm
I hope I get to go to TFC this week. I haven't seen you for a while, and I miss your smile (you have the sexiest dimples)... your eyes (they are so gorgeous)... your laugh and voice... I just miss you. So much is going on and I could really use just a bit of your wit. However, going to TFC isn't longterm... and I know that when I am done with that cycle of work, I will probably have to return to the main plant and won't see you for another month.

I will be moving to my apartment end of the month and I am hoping that after I get moved in and settled, I can work up the courage to invite you over for dinner. Honestly, I cannot wait to hang out with you.
 
 
01 June 2016 @ 09:00 pm
I know this is going to hurt you. Please know it isn't easy for me either. But the truth is, we haven't really had a real relationship for years. We have been pretending for quite a while now. And I am done pretending. I could handle the fact that I have had to care for your children--children who aren't mine. I nurtured them, clothed them, fed them.... I have been the stable rock that has been there for them for the last 5 and a half years. I came to terms that I brought home more money than you,and have paid your bills. Bills that have your name (and only your name) on them. However, I will not tolerate you or your family accusing me of cheating on you--which I have never done.

The last month has been hell. You hover over me. You don't let me breathe. You want to spend every weekend that I have off with your parents and you expect me to tag along. Truth is, I don't want to see your family EVERY weekend. I don't even see my family every weekend. I barely see my family at all.

I don't want to hurt you, but I can't live like this anymore. I need my space. And I have an apartment that I am moving to soon. I haven't told you and I am still trying to find the words.
 
 
Mood: numbnumb
 
 
31 May 2016 @ 08:58 am
I wish that I could formulate my thoughts into words without sounding either idiotic or robotic. It seems that when they are a thought, they are deep and understandable. When they are written or spoken words... they sound dishonest and forced. It used to be the other way around.

I do not wish to lose you, but I am not the person you want or need right now, even though you seem to disagree. I know deep down that I cannot give you the things you are asking for. I hate that about myself... how I want so badly to be "that person" for someone, and somehow lack the ability to do so. In my mind I am that someone for you every day, but the reality of it is... I likely never will be.

You are sensitive and kind. Imaginative and soft. I am rigid and frugal. I am realistic and distant. I have the capability of being so much more than I am, but I suppose it isn't the right time, and we are not the right people for each other.

I hated the look on your face when I said these things to you. You were completely taken aback... and in disbelief. I never want to disappoint you like that again, and I fear if we take this any further, it would only be worse. You deserve someone that gives you everything. I can only give you a sliver of that. It's hard to let you go when I honestly don't want to, but I know that I have to for your own benefit. You don't believe me when I tell you this is all in your best interest. You instantly assumed you weren't good enough for me, when the truth is, you're TOO good for me.

It's taken me years to realize just because you love someone deeply, doesn't mean they are the right person for you. I can only hope one day... you realize it as well.
 
 
 
28 May 2016 @ 09:59 am
I haven't seen you since Monday. The joy of having conflicting schedules. I told you I had to work this weekend and you looked a bit disappointed. As if you were going to ask to hang out this weekend. And now, I am sad because as it turns out, I don't have to work this weekend after all and I would really like to hang out with you. However, I do not have your number because I haven't asked for it and you haven't given it to me. I figured you would give it to me when you were ready. Part of me contemplates contacting your brother on FB to relay the message and see if you're up to hanging out this weekend.
 
 
Mood: contemplativecontemplative
 
 
27 May 2016 @ 04:01 am

Dear you,
I hope your birthday was a good one. I always want to get you so many things. I have to remind myself that I am on a budget. You just deserve so much. No matter how much money I spend on you or how many things I make for you, it never seems to be enough. I am so thankful though that you appreciate everything that I do for you. I couldn't be happier with anyone else.
Sincerely,
Me

 
 
26 May 2016 @ 03:34 pm
I cannot wait to see you tomorrow--even if it is at work. The other night when you told me you had my pink index card with my number on it, my mind was racing a million miles a second. It has been a month since I gave you the note. Little do you know I had almost didn't leave that in your locker. I second guess myself a lot, and after I put it in your locker, I was in your locker twice debating on whether to leave it. But now, I am pretty glad I did.

I know I come off as a bit cold and standoffish. That is my M.O. until I really know what you're thinking. However, you told me you want to hang out whenever you get some free time, so my guard will most likely be a bit down. I don't know if I really showed emotion about the possibility of us hanging out or not, but I really do look forward to hanging out with you--and hopefully, we will get to do that soon.
 
 
Mood: flirtyflirty
 
 
20 May 2016 @ 02:05 am
I'm sorry for being such a disappointment. I'm sorry for bottling up my true feelings for years. i'm sorry that you had to drag me to psychologists and therapy, only to find out it didn't do anything for me. I'm sorry that I can't be healed.

But I still love you. I have never said it to you and my actions haven't showed it, ever. I hope you can forgive me one day.
 
 
18 May 2016 @ 01:05 pm
Dear you,

Remember all those times we would go fishing and catch some trout and cook it for dinner? Or what about the times you'd drive us all over the state and we'd get to go camping at all the coolest parks and rivers? What about when you let me drive the skiff and I almost ran us onto the beach? Yeah, those were the times Dad.

You know, I wouldn't be the self-driven, sociable, witty man I am today if it wasn't for you. I probably wouldn't even have graduated college if you didn't help me with the costs and tell me I was so damn smart all the time. Gosh, you know it's embarrassing when you tell everyone that I'm the smartest person you know. I get it, you're proud of me, but calm down okay? Oh yeah and I have something to tell you, I wanted to say that going back to school was my biggest regret.

It's not that more schooling is a bad thing, it's just like any other big sacrifice. I had to move an hour away, I didn't make time to talk to you everyday, and I really missed you. I'm sorry I wasn't there to cook you food, and to make sure you were taking your medications, and to make sure the house was doing well. I wish I could have taken care of you better, just like you did for me.

Oh yeah and I graduated. I'm a "doctor" now....but don't tell everyone okay? It's still embarrassing. The graduation was nice and all, and I'm sure you wanted to be there. I wanted you to be there too. It's been barely over two years since your breathe became air. Sometimes I still see you around in my thoughts or my memories. I have a couple of pictures I like to look at that remind me how happy and funny you were. I visit you when I can and bring you some flowers. It kind of reminds me of when you always bought mom flowers on the weekends.

Anyways, I hope things are going well for you. Let me know how you're doing sometime okay?

With love,
J
 
 
Mood: lovedloved
Music: Solace - Tom Day