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30 April 2016 @ 11:51 am
Hello everyone!

It's time for a new writing prompt. Before I post one, just a reminder that if you need anything, please leave a comment on this post. Comments are screened and either chendamoni or I will respond as soon as possible.

In addition, please remember the formatting rules for all entries posted. This is a community for unsent letters - please have all posts formatted as "Dear {x},". Your letters should be written with the assumption that the recipient will not read them.

For the April writing exercise if you're seeking inspiration:
Write a letter to a person who was a source of inspiration for you in the past. This could be a mentor, a boss, a professor, or even a peer that encouraged you to be more than you were at the time. Tell them how you made them proud, how you let them down, or anything else you want them to know that they won't get to hear from you.

There will be a new writing prompt in about 30 days and any suggestions you have are welcome. Feel free to leave a comment below with an idea.

Happy writing!
--me
 
 
30 June 2016 @ 04:09 pm
I feel like s---. I am FED UP with this.
I hate my days.
I hate my job.
I feel defeated.
I feel soulless.

But I won't let you know it. I'll just smile in front of you, faking a happiness that just can't surpass the sadness -and maybe depression- that I carry
every.
damn.
day.

I will smile in front of you. I will tell you "how beautiful life is". And I won't let you know how I truly feel.

Cause I don't want to put on a burden on your shoulders.

And so...

I'll just smile.
 
 
Mood: draineddrained
 
 
29 June 2016 @ 02:02 am
You've said you miss me.
You've said you still love me.

What now? We've been broken up for three months now, and it still hurts like hell. I don't know what I'm supposed to do now. Just wait until you miss me enough? I'm afraid to suggest anything, I'm way too fragile to handle rejection.

So lost.
 
 
28 June 2016 @ 07:30 am
We met and it was an instant connection. Even though you insisted on awkwardly butting in on all the other conversations I was having with my friends, then leaving 5 seconds later, I knew you were teasing me. You were aware that I was attracted to you, and I was painfully aware that you were attracted as well. When you finally made your move at the end of the night by sweeping me away from my friends and getting me alone, my heart skipped. For some reason my thought was I wanted to bring you to the beach. It popped into my head out of no where. So... that's exactly what I did.

We sat on the sand and you told me things about yourself that I knew were painful to say out loud. How you felt about yourself, how your family felt about you, the mistakes you've made. I think with just about anyone else this would have made me feel awkward, but with you it felt natural. As if you were an old friend that I randomly crossed paths with years down the road.

You kissed me and it was magical. We laughed and made fun of each other for being socially inept. We touched and teased. It was innocent and felt right.

I know you're mad at me because I distanced myself. Even though we have spoken since, I know it seems my interest has deteriorated. I promise it has not... I just worry that two people with so much baggage will make a huge mess if we combine it. I want you in a way that doesn't make much sense to me and that scares me as well. I just hope that maybe I can get out of my own way and do what you asked...

"Is it possible for me to convince you to actually try?"
"Try what?"
"To not be scared."

It's like you read my mind and I'm blown away by you.
 
 
26 June 2016 @ 02:45 pm

Dear you,

I am sorry for your loss. I was considering messaging you to send you my condolences but I am sure I am the last person you wanna hear from.
Sincerely,
Me

 
 
 
24 June 2016 @ 03:32 pm

Dear you,
I think you know I wouldn't ever wanna hurt your feelings. I'm not that kind of person. I look at you sometimes and I feel like you still don't trust me. You have no reason to not trust me. I think you should know by now I won't go behind your back and do stupid things. There's no reason for me to and I am not that kind of person. I care about people (sometimes I think more than I should) and it hurts me anytime I see them hurt. So, why would I do things that would hurt you? I may sometimes act over protective and try to keep you from getting hurt and in the long run just end up coming back and slapping me in the face. I need to learn to stop trying to shelter people from cruel realities. And I need to keep being more honest instead of hiding my feelings. I am doing better though, don't you agree? My therapist said I have a terrible avoidance habit and I want to do better. You have been really supportive of me and I am forever grateful. I just wish you would stop doubting things and even me sometimes. Other than that.. I think we are inseparable.
Sincerely,
Me

 
 
23 June 2016 @ 04:21 pm

Dear you,
I have nearly given up on you. But you just proved that you still care to be my friend. Sometimes I have thought about surprising you at work since I don't remember how to get to your apartment. It's not that long of a drive so it wouldn't be inconvenient. I want to give you the birthday gift I never got to give you. It's been sitting with my unfinished canvases collecting dust. I haven't even taken a picture of it yet. Oh well, now I think I'll finally be able to give it to you and that makes me happy. I hope you love it. I think you will.
Sincerely,
Kelly

 
 
20 June 2016 @ 12:31 pm
Originally posted by sistertraveler at Dear You (dying mother)
Dear You,
I don't know you well enough to tell you the way you left me broken-hearted. I peeked into your room as you lay dying on the hospital bed and was broken with that first sight. I heard how you "denied all medical intervention" and I wanted to get a glimpse of you before coming in and introducing myself.
There you were lying in pain just as white and gaunt and closer resembling a skeleton than I had ever seen personally. Cachetic, one who suffers from cachexia and you were the perfect example of this word we use in medicine to mean "the wasting away of". When I came in and introduced myself as your nurse, I was scared of making you feel worse because here I was, a young woman brimming with life and a future. You smiled at me and even though you were on the very edge of life and death the lovely light that was you entered into my some dark corners of me.
The judgements that me as an atheist made towards you, a religious whack, who believes in a religion which would deny all treatment and let a young mother of even younger children die such a pointless and demeaning death were there. You as you rotted away with that tumor necrotizing and oozing Putrid waste products and slough. The tumor, you told me started as a small bump had in 6 months become this decomposing cauliflower of a neoplasm which had stolen all of your blood and nutrients and life. The smell that was so strong we had to close your door and spray santizing aerosols all up and down the ward to keep others with weaker stomachs from becoming sick.
Your shy and embarrassed manner as you asked for help on a bedpan, your waxen boggy skin, and the knowledge shared between us of your impending death was too much for me. For days afterward I couldn't stop thinking of you. Your parents were aging and couldn't care for you. You only came to the hospital to get hospice benefits so someone could come to your house and bathe you and help you to the toilet and I imagined myself coming home with you and caring for you and your children.
When I came back to the hospital after a few days off, I wasn't your nurse but I said hello and brought you a fancy chocolate. I saw you wheeled away on a stretcher by Ambulance drivers who were taking you home. I drive by your house and wonder are you still alive, how are your children, did you get a break from the pain and allow some morphine in, does your family of the same religion blame the religion for your death, why didn't you just allow a doctor to remove that small cluster of neoplastic cells, why did you have to take on such suffering?
With love,
Your heart-broken nurse
 
 
04 June 2016 @ 07:17 pm
I hope I get to go to TFC this week. I haven't seen you for a while, and I miss your smile (you have the sexiest dimples)... your eyes (they are so gorgeous)... your laugh and voice... I just miss you. So much is going on and I could really use just a bit of your wit. However, going to TFC isn't longterm... and I know that when I am done with that cycle of work, I will probably have to return to the main plant and won't see you for another month.

I will be moving to my apartment end of the month and I am hoping that after I get moved in and settled, I can work up the courage to invite you over for dinner. Honestly, I cannot wait to hang out with you.
 
 
01 June 2016 @ 09:00 pm
I know this is going to hurt you. Please know it isn't easy for me either. But the truth is, we haven't really had a real relationship for years. We have been pretending for quite a while now. And I am done pretending. I could handle the fact that I have had to care for your children--children who aren't mine. I nurtured them, clothed them, fed them.... I have been the stable rock that has been there for them for the last 5 and a half years. I came to terms that I brought home more money than you,and have paid your bills. Bills that have your name (and only your name) on them. However, I will not tolerate you or your family accusing me of cheating on you--which I have never done.

The last month has been hell. You hover over me. You don't let me breathe. You want to spend every weekend that I have off with your parents and you expect me to tag along. Truth is, I don't want to see your family EVERY weekend. I don't even see my family every weekend. I barely see my family at all.

I don't want to hurt you, but I can't live like this anymore. I need my space. And I have an apartment that I am moving to soon. I haven't told you and I am still trying to find the words.
 
 
Mood: numbnumb
 
 
 
31 May 2016 @ 08:58 am
I wish that I could formulate my thoughts into words without sounding either idiotic or robotic. It seems that when they are a thought, they are deep and understandable. When they are written or spoken words... they sound dishonest and forced. It used to be the other way around.

I do not wish to lose you, but I am not the person you want or need right now, even though you seem to disagree. I know deep down that I cannot give you the things you are asking for. I hate that about myself... how I want so badly to be "that person" for someone, and somehow lack the ability to do so. In my mind I am that someone for you every day, but the reality of it is... I likely never will be.

You are sensitive and kind. Imaginative and soft. I am rigid and frugal. I am realistic and distant. I have the capability of being so much more than I am, but I suppose it isn't the right time, and we are not the right people for each other.

I hated the look on your face when I said these things to you. You were completely taken aback... and in disbelief. I never want to disappoint you like that again, and I fear if we take this any further, it would only be worse. You deserve someone that gives you everything. I can only give you a sliver of that. It's hard to let you go when I honestly don't want to, but I know that I have to for your own benefit. You don't believe me when I tell you this is all in your best interest. You instantly assumed you weren't good enough for me, when the truth is, you're TOO good for me.

It's taken me years to realize just because you love someone deeply, doesn't mean they are the right person for you. I can only hope one day... you realize it as well.
 
 
28 May 2016 @ 09:59 am
I haven't seen you since Monday. The joy of having conflicting schedules. I told you I had to work this weekend and you looked a bit disappointed. As if you were going to ask to hang out this weekend. And now, I am sad because as it turns out, I don't have to work this weekend after all and I would really like to hang out with you. However, I do not have your number because I haven't asked for it and you haven't given it to me. I figured you would give it to me when you were ready. Part of me contemplates contacting your brother on FB to relay the message and see if you're up to hanging out this weekend.
 
 
Mood: contemplativecontemplative
 
 
27 May 2016 @ 04:01 am

Dear you,
I hope your birthday was a good one. I always want to get you so many things. I have to remind myself that I am on a budget. You just deserve so much. No matter how much money I spend on you or how many things I make for you, it never seems to be enough. I am so thankful though that you appreciate everything that I do for you. I couldn't be happier with anyone else.
Sincerely,
Me

 
 
26 May 2016 @ 03:34 pm
I cannot wait to see you tomorrow--even if it is at work. The other night when you told me you had my pink index card with my number on it, my mind was racing a million miles a second. It has been a month since I gave you the note. Little do you know I had almost didn't leave that in your locker. I second guess myself a lot, and after I put it in your locker, I was in your locker twice debating on whether to leave it. But now, I am pretty glad I did.

I know I come off as a bit cold and standoffish. That is my M.O. until I really know what you're thinking. However, you told me you want to hang out whenever you get some free time, so my guard will most likely be a bit down. I don't know if I really showed emotion about the possibility of us hanging out or not, but I really do look forward to hanging out with you--and hopefully, we will get to do that soon.
 
 
Mood: flirtyflirty
 
 
20 May 2016 @ 02:05 am
I'm sorry for being such a disappointment. I'm sorry for bottling up my true feelings for years. i'm sorry that you had to drag me to psychologists and therapy, only to find out it didn't do anything for me. I'm sorry that I can't be healed.

But I still love you. I have never said it to you and my actions haven't showed it, ever. I hope you can forgive me one day.
 
 
 
18 May 2016 @ 01:05 pm
Dear you,

Remember all those times we would go fishing and catch some trout and cook it for dinner? Or what about the times you'd drive us all over the state and we'd get to go camping at all the coolest parks and rivers? What about when you let me drive the skiff and I almost ran us onto the beach? Yeah, those were the times Dad.

You know, I wouldn't be the self-driven, sociable, witty man I am today if it wasn't for you. I probably wouldn't even have graduated college if you didn't help me with the costs and tell me I was so damn smart all the time. Gosh, you know it's embarrassing when you tell everyone that I'm the smartest person you know. I get it, you're proud of me, but calm down okay? Oh yeah and I have something to tell you, I wanted to say that going back to school was my biggest regret.

It's not that more schooling is a bad thing, it's just like any other big sacrifice. I had to move an hour away, I didn't make time to talk to you everyday, and I really missed you. I'm sorry I wasn't there to cook you food, and to make sure you were taking your medications, and to make sure the house was doing well. I wish I could have taken care of you better, just like you did for me.

Oh yeah and I graduated. I'm a "doctor" now....but don't tell everyone okay? It's still embarrassing. The graduation was nice and all, and I'm sure you wanted to be there. I wanted you to be there too. It's been barely over two years since your breathe became air. Sometimes I still see you around in my thoughts or my memories. I have a couple of pictures I like to look at that remind me how happy and funny you were. I visit you when I can and bring you some flowers. It kind of reminds me of when you always bought mom flowers on the weekends.

Anyways, I hope things are going well for you. Let me know how you're doing sometime okay?

With love,
J
 
 
Mood: lovedloved
Music: Solace - Tom Day
 
 
17 May 2016 @ 10:58 am
Dear You,

I miss you. I still care. I am facing the truth. I am only beginning to accept the facts. There will always be a sore corner of my heart where you touched me. I thought I could carve you out and cast you off. I am unable to accomplish this task.

It's a cruel reality. Accepting that I care so much when you used me so easily. You thought when I processed to my permanent duty station I would simply disappear. A problem solved by distance and your decision not to contact me in any way.

I don't even understand why I care about you. What do I love so much? Your utter disregard for me? I never knew who you were. I never broke through that wall you put up to keep me from getting too close. That hurt me at the time too, because I didn't yet understand. I thought I saw a genuine kindness and compassion behind your eyes, but maybe it was just a disguise for lust.

The unfairness stings. My heart gets to break over and over again while I can only assume that I have been forgotten. I was simply a regrettable error in judgment that you committed. If you had used protection, you probably would have kept me a secret forever. I would have given up eventually, I suppose.

I chose to try to become pregnant to prove my level of commitment to you. I wanted to love and raise our children. I should have known your casual assent was suspicious. So many things about you were, however. I admit, I was desperate. It made me so foolish and reckless.

I knew from the moment of conception that I was pregnant. I felt it with utter certainty. I was suffused with happiness. I wanted a boy who looked just like you. I could envision our happy family moments together contentedly.

"Dreams last so long
Even after you're gone
I know that you love me
And soon you will see
You were meant for me
And I was meant for you."

And in the end all you had to say for yourself was, "I'm sorry."
 
 
Mood: depresseddepressed
Music: You Were Meant For Me - Jewel
 
 
16 May 2016 @ 08:05 am
Why do I still look for you in hopes that I will see you again? I drive around our hometown and suddenly find myself narrating our possible conversation in my mind, wondering how it would all transpire, in all different forms. Different reactions you may have. Maybe you would completely ignore me or tell me to piss off. Who knows.

I hear things about you frequently. Apparently, you talk to my friends and family when you see them... but I never see you or hear anything from you personally. No one even tells me about it unless I ask specifically. It's almost like I'm not seeing you for a reason, even though that's all I want. Like I am being protected.

I desperately need to tell you that I am sorry and explain what happened. I have been rationalizing it for 9 years now. 9 years of regret. 9 years of guilt. 9 years of still loving you and everything about you. I still talk about you and think of you every day... and the one thing you hated me for, you did to your wife. You cheated. I wonder sometimes if now you understand how easy it is to do and how much it hurts not only your partner... but you as well. I wonder if you understand me now.

I need you back in my life... or at the very least, I need to just talk to you. You don't even have to speak to me back; just listen to what I have to say. Listen to how I am feeling. Let me spill is all out and maybe I will feel better and be able to move on. Maybe it would make it worse, and that's why I haven't seen you. I often feel I will never get over you. My first love, my soulmate. You are the better half of me.

I will love you always and forever. I hope to see you again someday.
 
 
14 May 2016 @ 09:52 pm
Dear you,

I came here to vent, knowing no one would read my shit anyway and because I don't understand how the site works and am not technically inclined my shit gets deleted from groups I try to reach out to. Way to fucking go. This site sucks anyway, a popularity contest for people who couldn't actually make it as writers or are using it for free advertising. Screw you all. Y'all can go fuck yourselves, your self-rightous broken hearts and fan fics.

Sincerely,
Me
 
 
14 May 2016 @ 11:26 am
First of all, this isn't a love letter, it's a confession for myself so that I can bleed out and hope you never come back.

It's 7 AM when I miss you the most because I'm still in a dreamlike state. I've forgotten yesterday and I have to start anew, and you of all people should know that new beginnings are scary unless you have someone from the past with you. Well, I don't. Not at this time, anyway.

It's because everyone's still sleeping and I'm wondering if you are, too, and I'm wishing that you were next to me and thinking I wouldn't mind watching you sleep for a little while. But I quickly get rid of that thought knowing it's useless, I'm just torturing myself.

It's because my bed and my table and my room is a mess from last night and I feel like crap for not being careful enough to clean up before I passed out when you would have told me, "It's late, go get some sleep." And even if you didn't I would have woken up this morning determined to fix everything just to show you that I'm responsible, so that you wouldn't have to worry. I can't do that for myself.

It's because I stare at the clock thinking about what I have to do today and the responsibilities overwhelm me because for once I just want to rest, I want for someone to hold my hand and tell me that when this is over we can go treat ourselves to a nice restaurant or whatever or something, something to keep me going when things are hard. And I know it's stupid but even just a text from you while I'm doing my work would make everything so much better, I don't know why but when it's from any other guy I get irritated. (Of course I don't mean friends, I mean guys who are interested in me.)

I feel awful because I know that I could and would replace you, thinking "Oh, I wouldn't mind if this person were my boyfriend" and yet I sit here whining like I'm still in love, I'm not.

I guess I shouldn't say I miss you, you'd get the wrong idea though I doubt you'll ever lay eyes on this dumb letter. I guess I miss the things we used to do and the way you used to make me feel. But I'm not strong. I'm barely strong enough for myself, I can't be strong enough for the both of us.

So I will wait.

I will get by and trudge through this hectic and crazy world myself and continue to do the best I can, and whatever happens, happens. I'll write a letter if ever I need to bleed out again. It's not fun waiting, but it's essential.

But you already knew all of that, right?
 
 
Music: Where'd You Go? - Fort Minor
 
 
 
13 May 2016 @ 01:42 pm
Dear you,

You selfish, mentally abusive, emotionally perturbed man. I simply do not understand why you are constantly on my mind. Despite my best efforts to get the hell over you, I cannot. Never in my life have I been so attached to anyone or anything, then here you come waltzing into my life and take me over completely. I am consumed by you. After 2 years of cheating, mental abuse, lies and physical and emotional pain... I can't make you f***ing leave! The sickest part of it all if the fact that I deeply care about the new person I am with... and I can't love him because I am not over you. 9 months since I have spoken a single word to you or seen you. I was laying in bed holding him, feeling so loved and appreciated. Undoubtedly the nicest, sweetest, kindest, gentlest man I've ever met in my life, and YOU come to my mind. The passion, the desire, the need and want... WHY?! You and I said "I love you" after two weeks. We were convinced we were soul mates. You used to be so different. Then you finally showed me your true colors and you alcoholism and even still I stayed and tried to help you, and instead you dragged me down with you. I hope one day that you will leave my thoughts and my heart... I will finally have peace and be able to move along my new path...

He will never be you... and that is both a blessing and a curse. I do not understand.
 
 
10 May 2016 @ 10:43 pm
Tomorrow is 7 weeks. I texted you the other day to wish you a happy birthday. What I didn't say is that I still love you and want you. That I still cry almost every single day. That sometimes I think about using my gun at work... on my head. That I think about calling you and begging.

But no, I didn't say any of that. I simply wished you a happy birthday.
 
 
07 May 2016 @ 05:18 pm
Last night I had a dream about you...

Although I can't remember everything that happened in it, and every thing that we said to each other.. I can barely remember any of it.
But the feelings were/are very vivid. I only remember and felt a peaceful good-bye with a sincere hug, and you were telling and showing your appreciation to/for me.

You were the most dearest friend that I had ever had in my life. I can't believe how much I miss you. tears are in my eyes as the sweet/beautiful emotional feelings begin to come back up again from the dream as I am typing this.

I don't know why. I don't know if you are watching me from at a distance... I don't know if you're still here and I just don't know it... I don't know.

I have been instructed to stay away from all my groups, but the way I am right now is causing me not to. I don't know why I am the way that I am.. but I am.

And If I'm not right about this, then God please change me, and my heart. I feel like a lot of times I just can't help the way I feel, and the way I am. And I need His grace to help me everyday. God please help me. Help me to let go of everything that I need to let go of. Amen.
 
 
05 May 2016 @ 09:16 am

Dear you,

I  really hope you are doing better. I believe in you. You may have convinced yourself that I never cared but that is far from the truth. I hope I pushed you enough to finally do something with yourself. You have so much potential.

Sincerely,
Me

 
 
04 May 2016 @ 11:16 am
Dear all it concerns.

when asking questions to get to know me - like "where do you live", or "where are you from" and such, don't be surprised when you get a slightly strange reply.  When I say "well, right now I live here" or "well, I guess I'm from Europe - maybe I can isolate it to Western Europe"  I'm not trying to be funny - I'm just answering the questions as they are.  "Where did you grow up?"  is another for which I have no succinct answer to.

If you prefered, you could ask specific questions - where were you born?  Easy - in Pontypool hospital, not that a subsequent investigation into the hospital or even pontypool will take you no closer to getting to know me.  perhaps you'd prefer a list of the places I lived before my 18th birthday, for "where I grew up"

Yet still, you will still be searching for THE ONE answer... "OK, but where are you actually from then... you know, where is your favourite place?"    Sorry .-. ¿my favourite place?   It's like asking a parent which is their favourite daughter or son - sure, some places were tougher than others, and I have/had a different relationship with all of them, but to choose a favourite place is like choosing between a chocolate chip ice-cream and a rich and stinky piece of camembert (both lovely, but not comparable (although both made of milk... revealing my western Europe upbringing!))

And then after all that, you walk away in distaste, as if - in the 29 years of exploring different cultures, languages, food, flora and fauna, religions, washing up technique *  etc. etc. the only thing I should have done - to give it any meaning at all, was to pick the one country, place or city that was my favourite.


*talk to people as much as you like about religion - they're happy to accept there are different ways of doing that, but don't question people's washing up technique, theirs is the only one true way!