Originally posted by sanshainsuta
at A Continued Thought...
I was going to write you that letter tonight, since we haven't really spoken in three days. I needed to get it all off my chest, but I'm not angry anymore. I see that you did this to push me away and be able to blame it all on me, you have always played the victim so well. I think it is ingrained in you. So we will pretend, be cordial until you move out. Pretend that it doesn't bother us, that we don't need, want or care about each other anymore...and living together will do that to people, there is such a thing as "too close". Remember we promised each other that we wouldn't let this happen? We for-saw it, like we do many things..and we let it happen anyway. I waver between anger and sadness. Confusion and frustration. Solidarity and loneliness. I know we will never get back the bond that we had, even if we remain friends. I wonder if it even occurs to you...if you can think about someone's feelings other than yours long enough to understand that you are the cause. You know what's difficult? The fact that I stood up for you, more times than you know of, to my family and friends, to your "friends" and your "boyfriend". Have I talked shit about you too, yes, of course when you're that close to someone, the person you always vent to, you don't know where to turn when they are the one hurting you or pissing you off. I'm human, but I never let anyone else talk shit about you and the few occasions I have was to not put myself in a position to choose between you and my husband. I know you do it about me too, to people I don't know and people we are both friends with. I got a message, and it agreed that you were essentially overreacting and that person didn't want to be around our hot mess any time soon. That you sent copies of my message and likely said how much of a bitch I was for not taking your emotional manipulation and calling you out on your pity trip. The funny thing, what made you fly into that self-pity was my sharp comment, that wasn't even mean! In fact, it wasn't about you...and that's where this all comes from, if it's not about you, it doesn't matter, I don't matter to you and I haven't for awhile. It started when I became your sounding board and you didn't care what my response was you just wanted to tell someone about you, then when I got irritated with that and tried to show you by doing the same to you, yes you felt the same way and you then made it a competition, no understanding, no caring, no real listening..you "one up" me every time I try to talk, again making it all about you. For someone with such low self-esteem you are definitely self-absorbed. I was depressed for months, all I could think about was how our relationship was falling apart, and when I finally snapped...I apologized, like I ALWAYS do, because you can't take people treating you the way you treat them, and you just can't understand how the way you act affects people. I tried to be honest, in that moment, I told you these feelings of not being listened to, of feeling like you didn't want to talk to me, you just wanted to talk, that I felt like you didn't care about anything I had to say...so I slowly stopped saying anything. And do you remember what your response was? You flat out said you didn't care! You said all I talk about is work and that you have no idea what anything I say means so you just pretend to listen and counter with the same. You said that, that is not paraphrasing!!! So yes, when I take time out of my busy life to spend with you for girls night, which was supposed to be a fun relaxing time (which you have been slowly able to drain and progressively make all about you) all you do is talk, rant and rage about your week, especially your irritations about work....and then get pissed when I get bored and look at my phone because I have stopped caring about your ranting about the stupid people at your job?? It's like this in the real world, if you tell someone essentially that you don't give a fuck about that aspect of their life, they will not put the effort in to give a fuck about that aspect of yours. What I really can't believe though, is that this whole blow up stemmed from the fact that I was taking care of my children and doing what I had told you way ahead of time I was going to do before we went out...that I WAS IGNORING YOU...THAT I HAVE BEEN IGNORING YOU...I haven't gone anywhere. You are the one that stopped giving me the time because you do not like my children...and yes, I resent you for that..I shouldn't, I know, I shouldn't have expected you to love my children, I just thought with as close as we were that you would, and that is my fault and something I personally need to get over. But liking them or not, they are my children. I'm far from a perfect mother, but I do try, and my children will always come first. So, the fact that you hide in your room to not have to deal with my husband, who is never home on the weekends, or my children who are always here is not my fault. I cannot come upstairs and hang out with you and leave them downstairs long enough to take a shower, let alone to hear about your entire week. However, you could put up with the distraction of them long enough to talk to me if you really wanted to spend time with me, but you don't. And what really gets me, even when you do want to hang out with me, like last weekend, and asked me to get a baby sitter for the whole day (not possible) and I told you pick something we could do in 2 hours, you leave, you go do the things you asked me if I wanted to do with you with out even saying anything while I am desperately trying to find a sitter. Then come home with things for my children, which I thought was amazing, you cared, you were thinking about them...but then you just had to tell me how much you spent on them instead of yourself because you couldn't find anything you liked, and I instantly felt guilty, like you felt the need to put a worth to your kindness, same with offering to buy lunch, that we were going to share and you getting me my own with out telling me, I was so happy and thankful, until you had to mention that you spent $50 on it, again putting a price on your kindness. I DON'T NEED YOUR MONEY. I DON'T NEED YOUR GIFTS. YOU DON'T HAVE TO BUY MY ATTENTION!!! In fact, that makes me want to stay away from you. Even when told you are needed, that you are missed, that you not being around was hurting me, you still chose not to do it, not to listen and to tell me you didn't care but try to make up with it with gifts. That is exactly what my parents did my whole life. So while yes they were there, they were never there, but no one has had it as bad as you. No one's feelings or past can compare to yours. It can't have a devastating effect on their personality and feelings that can be unintentionally be taken out on you, because that's not fair, you had nothing to do with it, right?! So why is it that people who want to be close to you have to walk on eggshells to not get an emotional outburst against them or have you storm off? Why is it that you can't say, "hey, are you ok? I was just making sure that going out was still something you wanted to do, I know you've had a long day, so have I." I mean, that's how you would expect me to respond if you had said, "I'm still going, you don't have to if you don't want." Not storm off to my room, throw a "how dare she" pity party, I'm going to tell her exactly how angry I am with a facebook message, that she did not address me when I got home (even though we had set plans and she was doing exactly what she told me she would before we both got home, knowing there could be a delay before we could go), and that the past few weeks she has been blatantly honest bordering sarcasm with me since I have completely secluded myself and only come downstairs for food, only doing dishes when I need them for my lunches and even then getting upset when they are in the sink "dirty" (please note, they were taken out of the dishwasher that way, they had not gotten all the way clean and were waiting to be put into the next load anyway! THEY HAD NOT BEEN USED, and if it wasn't an issue if someone did use them, why couldn't you just have done the damn load with out saying anything about it? Instead you make a point to say if they are used, that person needs to wash them, because you bought them for you? You have completely been able to use all of our dishes with no strings attached, to leave them in your room for days, to use them to cook and eat, with an original understanding that you would help with dishes and cooking, but slowly stopped doing that too, and still no stipulations attached! But I digress..) Getting that emotionally manipulative, bitchy, guilt tripping message didn't make me feel bad. I already felt bad, because I think about how my tone and actions effect people. I was half-way through a text apologizing and explaining why I was short and trying to rectify the situation, until I read what you sent. If you'd have said you weren't ok and asked if we could talk for a moment, I'd have been up there in a heartbeat and apologized face to face and explained, but you threw that anger you've been holding on to, that you've been blaming me for for a long time now, that you brought upon yourself, right at me in black and white. I stopped feeling bad or wanting to apologize or even wondering why I keep trying so hard for nothing but guilt and double standards in return. The easiest way to get someone not to care is to tell them they don't care. Not say "I feel like..." or "It seems like..." but "but you don't care." To be perfectly honest, I feel like your text was more pissy than mine! Mine was just honesty, not sarcasm. I don't have the energy to expel anymore when I have 2 children and a husband that do the same thing. A 40+ hour a week job and a household to maintain. You have changed too, spending so much time with you, your true colors come out. Your double standard of being able to say anything you want to anyone in the guise of sarcasm and them not having a right to be offended, but godforbid anyone say anything that might remotely upset you, they can never live it down!! You don't let them, you bring it up any time you can and you hold on to it for you lifetime. I know things between us will never be the same, because if I want you in my life at all I never dare say ANY of these things to you as they will be daggers every chance you get, angry or not, used to guilt my conscience into hearing/getting/saying what you want or just plain to make what you do/did seem a lesser evil, or to get pity. Do I complain a lot? Hell yes! I know this! That is all I have! I don't have free time. I don't get to relax. I don't get a release...Literally to the point where I have to be on medication daily so I don't have a meltdown, and IT'S MY FAULT because I'M IGNORING YOU?????? Not to mention telling you to come talk to me and you continue to be manipulative and throw my words in my face, even when your people on your facebook on a message you post about the situation say the same damn thing I told you, and that yeah, that's exactly what you did, it's ok to do that sometimes...you can't even own up to that??? You get bitchy with them too?!!! To be honest I think we are jealous of each other. I'm jealous that you have freedom, that you have alone time, that you have unlimited options if you just had the damn gumption to take them and you are jealous because you always thought you'd have what I do, a decent job, kids and a husband and settle down because you hate being alone. I think this might be it, not by my choice but the choices you have made the past few days to still not talk to me about it, after telling me you weren't ready you were too angry and I was over it. Over the drama, over the eggshells, over expending energy I don't have for someone who can't see that I am trying to keep them a part of my life when I have already dropped everyone else, EVEN FAMILY!!!! But I am not enough for you anymore, you have learned what you needed to from me, you have drive, you have purpose, you have confidence and you have pride, many of these you were previously lacking, and it's solace to know that even if it does end like this, that I was able to be there for you when you needed me most, that I was able to, if nothing else, be a lesson that you never forget, for good times and bad. I will always love you, but even love has to evolve to carry on.