21 October 2014 @ 09:37 pm

To the guy I'll always love,

It's stupid for me to say that I love you. I barely know you now. At most, I have a school girl crush on you. That's silly because I'm in my fucking 20's. I love my boyfriend but, for some reason there will always be a place for you in my heart. You're the only person I ever cheat on my boyfriends with. Yeah, that's how strongly I feel about you.

You're kind of the reason that I needed to create this. I needed a place where I could type up everything I ever wanted to say to you, but can't.

Probably because I'm scared.

I'm scared of losing you. . . . That's funny. How can I lose something I never had? Well, I did have you in my bed, your bed, and your car.

You know, my feelings always reemerge when you start a conversation with me. That would be every few months. But then, you would just suddenly stop. I hate that.

I hate that you do that.

Why do you do that?
Do you hate getting close to me that much?
Do you hate me?

No, I don't think you hate me. If you did hate me then you won't bother trying to talk to me, right? Especially when you're on a god damn ship! Are you fucking kidding me? You don't talk to me when you're on land, but do when you're a fucking ship. Where it's hard for you to talk to me.

I really like it when you tell me it's hard for you to respond because you're on a damn boat. It's a great excuse to ignore my questions.

But really though, why do you do that?
Are you afraid your girlfriend is going to find out?

Speaking of girlfriend(s)..

Why did hit me up to come thru when you had a girlfriend?
Was she not enough?
Or did you just wanted to be with me?

Help me out here buddy. You're very confusing. You've gone a litte crazy. I have no idea how to go about this entire thing with you.

I wish I had the courage to send this to you.

But, I'm proud of myself for telling you to choose. Either be a friend or nothing at all to me.

To be honest, I want you to know how I feel, but I also don't want you to read any of this. You don't need to know any of this. You don't. But, I need to know. I really don't like not knowing, but I'll just have to live with it.

20 October 2014 @ 09:12 pm
Dear Nasal Congestion,
EFF YOU, go away.

Nobody likes you,
- The woman you currently won't leave alone.
20 October 2014 @ 04:54 pm
I wish that you'd talk to me. More importantly stop playing games or being too scared to tell me how you feel. I mean you just pop into my life send me a song saying "lord knows best when it comes to you that I don't care about anything but you" ask me if I wanna hang out and then just disappear. What am I supposed to think?! Send you ex a love song explaning exactly how I feel about you making me believe that you felt the same. I was so happy for that night. I had hope for once. I guess I thought you changed. Silly me. How could I ever expect you to be consitent? I forgot your popularity, your band....other people are more important than I've ever been. Idk why I expected to be any priority to you. I'm nothing, thanks for making me feel that way. I honestly though maybe you'd grown up, finally. I guess a zebra never changes it's stripes. I really believed in you. Even after everything you've done to ME! Kicked me when I was down. Left me for dead. Destroyed what was left of my life at my lowest point when I NEEDED you. I can forgive the stupid cheating thing, that was forever ago but I need a damn apology for that. I need to know you are truly sorry for being so cruel and basically seeing me on the edge ready to jump and basically screaming "jump bitch! Jump!" That hurt more than him dying. Just say SOMETHING! I'm begging you. If you still have any feelings for me I need to know. Not from some cryptic message but from YOUR fucking mouth. Or else I give up. You and I both know what you really need. Grown up and be a man. Cause right now, at 26 you're less mature than the 18 boy I fell in love with. Ok, I'm gonna go. Don't take to long....I might not always be here. Don't take me for granted if you care at all.
18 October 2014 @ 07:15 am
Dear A,

I know it's too late, but i want you to know that loving you was worth the pain. I never wanted for us to part, but maybe, just maybe, we were never meant to be together. I just want to say thank you for the wonderful times we had. And i want to say sorry dor being not the perfect guy. Sorry for making your heartache, sorry for making you cry. And i'm sorry for loving you. I know your happy now, and i hope it'll be forever. Hope the new guy will love and take care of you better. I wish ypu more happiness and goodluck. And yeah, i will always love you, not like before, but you can count on me :)
17 October 2014 @ 07:11 am
Dear N,

Hey, I miss you......

I just want to know if i'm someone or something to you. It just bothers me how much you're sweet to me, when you have someone courting you and you told me how confused you are. You don't know if he's worth-it or not. Then you told me you got jealous because of something he's done. I mean, wtf man! Am I just you're daily butterflies-in-the-stomach and I-got-jealous diary? Am i just someone you can see when everyone has walked away from you? You're hurting me. It really hurts.
15 October 2014 @ 12:16 am
Dear Gaz.
You are in Trouble.
Someones actions, words and even thoughts are undermining any chance you have a decent life.
The good news, is that you are in control, you can change it, because you are that person.
The bad news is that nothing, not even this letter, were you to recieve it, would convince you that it was not everyone elses fault but your own.  Paraphrasing word for word from your own mouth, people have shat on you since you were a tiny lad, and you have never met anyone who has treated you with the respect you have unworthilly given out.
Sadly anyone who has spent a decent amount of time with you will realise that you are dilluded to this effect.  There is no doubt that you have high standards of moral conduct and follow them to the letter.  You are hard working, and always fulfil what you see as your duty.
Sadly though you hold everyone up to the same moral standards as yourself, the list being extensive and include finding out exactly what you like to eat so correct food can be provided, guessing without communication that an object you were going to buy you couldn't get, and obtaining it in my lunch break at work, not because I need it, but because you need it, Not going against your self-instated authority and trying to communicate amicably with the neighbours, when you had decided they needed to fear you and that you would deal aggressively with them... The list goes on.  If you are not able to accept people as they are, and more importantly accept any fault in yourself, you will only fall further down and continue to get treated "badly" by people who try to help you, only to be critisized and made to feel useless.
Although I lost a lot - financially and otherwise - in my time with you, my greatest sadness is that unfortunately I fear you will never be able to find happiness.  Constantly seeking change in others will never bring you happiness, the only person you can change is yourself.  I hope you are able to find a way out of your darkness, forgive those around you, and take responsibility for your problems!
02 October 2014 @ 07:53 pm
Dear you:
There are things that I can't say.
We've talked about growing old together. The romantic in me wants it to happen, you're the one I love.
However, I have no desire to grow old.
I won't risk losing my memories of you.
I won't risk becoming a burden to you.
I won't risk becoming a shell of who you once loved.
I can never tell you, it would break your heart.
But I will never grow old.
When I'm on my back and exposing my secrets, I feel unburdened but still deeply sad.
I realized that I have been wandering from one point of life to the next.
I'm simply going through the motions that are expected of me.
I have no idea what I'm doing.
I'm just really good at faking it.

If there was a way for me to simply stop existing, I would do it.
I don't dream about dying, only that I could just not exist at all.
23 September 2014 @ 09:21 pm
Dear You,
It's been nearly a year since I last heard from you...I don't know if you tried to send me letters after I moved (but before I put in a forwarding request with the post office) or not, but I can't say I miss hearing from you. Furthermore, quite frankly I'm beyond glad that you didn't get approved for parole...although the fact that they will be reviewing you for parole next year doesn't make me feel much better.
I know that sooner or later you will be released, and while there's nothing I can do to stop that, the mere thought terrifies me. I fear what you may try to do to my family in retribution for me "putting" you in prison (your actions put yourself in prison, whether you want to admit that to yourself or not)...and while I would like to think you meant it when you stated that you would never hurt a child, you also once told me that you'd never hurt me...and you sure as fuck broke that promise, now didn't you? I fear what you might try to do to my kids, to my wife, to my mom...
Despite whatever show you might put on for your mother or the COs or the parole board, I know you haven't changed, and I wouldn't put it past you to attempt to set revenge on me for leaving you. I hope I'm wrong. I hope that when you do get out, you go about your life in a way that won't get you thrown back in prison. I hope you're able to find true happiness with someone who is good for you--and that you don't turn to your old habits (or worse yet, escalate your typical behaviors within a relationship--one of my biggest fears is that you're going to end up killing someone and find yourself on Death Row).
There may no longer be any sort of love in my heart for you, but that doesn't mean that (short of you harming or attempting to harm my family) I wish to see you dead or condemned to die. I don't want you to end up rotting away in prison--not for my sake, but for the sake of your youngest daughter, who despite her conflicted feelings about you still loves you. She may not be my child by blood or marriage, but I still love her as if she were, and you have broken her heart far too many times already in her short life. Parent to parent here: yes, you've been out of the lives of your kids for a very long time...but you can still try to patch things up with your kids and connect with your grandchildren. If nothing else, consider that as motivation not to further fuck your life up.

23 September 2014 @ 08:52 pm
Dear you,

I am REALLY going to miss you.


Dear you,

I don't have any idea what it is that you want from me anymore. Is it friendship, is it someone to talk to when you're bored? I wish that I knew what you expected. And what you thought you were giving me in return.


Dear you,

I don't think you realize you're doing anything wrong. I don't have it in me to keep pointing it out. I hope everything works out.


Dear you,

I meant it when I said I don't have time for a relationship. I feel bad that you've been trying to hang out again for two weeks and I'm just always busy or too exhausted. I really hope that you actually do understand and aren't too hurt or upset or angry. I do want to hang out, even though it may not seem that way since I keep having to say no to coming over. I really am sorry.


Dear Flyers,

Love you. I'm glad it's time for hockey again. See you Thursday, boys.

22 September 2014 @ 02:25 am
Dear you (me),

He left you, yeah it hurts like a bitch still but oh well... Life is still happening while you are shaking like a scared little girl in the corner. Suck it up buttercup and figure out how to move on because we are on loan to this planet for a short time and you are wasting your "pretty" years grieving over someone who didn't care enough to stick around! Go frolic in the waves of life before you're too old and osteoporosis takes your hips and leaves you lying in a nursing home waiting for someone to give a damn enough to visit...

20 September 2014 @ 09:52 pm
Dear you (me)

I have realized the more we become one that the more agro we get. Why is this? Is it because this is what the real us does? I feel like I kinda understand this but I dont at the same time. This is all fucking new to us (me). Of course this is a huge change so it'll take some getting used to.
But I really do want to have more understanding of the feelings that are happening. Dont know if that will actually happen but we will see.

I think we can do this,
Location: Couch
Mood: aggravatedaggravated
Music: Breaking Benjamin
12 September 2014 @ 09:28 pm
dear aunt,

you took care of me like i was your own child. I always made things difficult for you, but you loved me all the same. when mum quit her job and took me back, I forgot you like how a child would chuck aside his old toy.

I am truly sorry. the day before you died, you called to talk to me, to ask how I am. I told you I was busy and couldn't talk to you. I was in fact, doing nothing. you left us the next day.

it's my number one regret that I wasn't able to tell you 'Thank you' and that I love you. After all these years, I still miss you and I hate myself whenever I think of how I treated you. I will never forgive myself. If I could, I would even trade my life for yours. You left behind a son with no father. You could live for him if I traded my life with yours.

I hope you forgive me. All the things you did for me, i am thankful for that. I love you, I really do. you were more of a mother to me than my mum will ever be. If i could turn back time, I would show you my appreciation and tell you I love you.

Always missing you.
12 September 2014 @ 10:40 am

I miss you so much today. I long to see you in my dreams.

27 August 2014 @ 05:08 pm
Dear you,

Seeing you today is making me remember it all. All of the fights we had, the many mistakes we made, the way that it ended. The way that it ended was so fucked up. Now it is all coming back to me and I don't want it to. You have NO IDEA how much you changed my life forever because of what happened with us and how we ended.
I really don't like this feeling that I have after seeing you. I was 100% not expecting to ever see you or run into you (whatever you want to call it) . I look up and you're standing right there. I just couldn't move when I finally recognized you. My mind was drawing a blank. I was pretty much numb/immobilized. I didn't know what to do and or say.
This is all to weird/familiar.

Hard to deal with.

Why did it happen like this?

Location: couch
Mood: anxiousanxious
Music: Hunger Strike ~ Temple of the Dog
25 August 2014 @ 06:54 pm
Dear you,

If I had the chance to say one last thing to you, it would be this: "I will always love you. And for the love of God, please be happy. Because if you're not, that would make the tragedy of you walking away even more unbearable than it already is."

Goodbye my almost lover.
- Me
19 August 2014 @ 11:26 pm
Dear Mr. Robin Williams,

You fooled us all. I can't forge a guess as to what it takes to capture the world's attention--and do with it what you will--but you certainly mastered it. Not even for a mere moment do I envy you, however.

Already the world is a colder place without you. I didn't praise my name on your word, but, God, was I influenced by it. From wherever within you drew the inspiration is forever how the world and those you left behind--me--will remember you--laughing and crinkle-eyed, compromised by natural emotion.

I want to say that I can't imagine the anguish you faced with weathered, forever-sunny eyes, but I can (and I do). I know (and I have known)--and it scares me. But beyond that I can only say that I am horrified to know that you might have thought that, despite the unadulterated joy you brought to the furthest corners of the globe, you might be alone in the world. Coincidentally I know that I am not alone in professing that I might have held your hand, unmitigated. It mortifies me further to glimpse in my mind's eye the hearts of your children and your loves.

And yet, still, Mr. Williams, I do not fault you. No one ought to face fault for the unanticipated demons that come in the night--especially those who dedicate their life's worth to the betterment of plain humanity. Lord knows the world will never forget the laughs you procured--least of all the ones that sustained me through childhood, shaped the joyful nature in me today, and that predict for me the future of living and breathing, themselves.

So how, yet, can I say thank you, say goodnight?--when you have barely scratched the surface of what has yet to be a promised, totally fulfilled life? When I fell in love with your genuine voice, your unmatched, heartfelt sense of humor, Lord knows I intended for it to be a lifetime supply. No, the world is not ready-- I am not ready to say goodnight yet, to say goodnight ever. Timelessness means boundless, untouched eternity, and the spirit you blessed our very attentive hearts with is a divine entity that I intend to worship with the love and fervor only God might yet revere.

I will never forget the origin of my passion, my unyielding need to laugh (and make laugh), and I will never say goodbye to you--but may God rest and keep you, safe and warm and far enough away from the night-crawlers that you, too, might now laugh at them.
Music: Shiny Toy Guns - Starts With One | Powered by Last.fm
12 August 2014 @ 07:44 pm
Dear George Glass,

The funniest thing happened after I forgave you. See, I thought that when I was finally able to forgive you that everything would be released and I would just move on with the rest of my life. But that's not what happened at all. The moment I truly forgave you, all of the long-fought and long-buried feelings came rushing back to the surface.

I love you G-man. You are the best friend I ever had and I miss you more than you can ever know. Unless we really are connected again, in which case you're feeling every bit of this, aren't you?

Love Always,
Your Best Friend
Music: Bright Neon Payphone~Cut Copy
Dear Ichiro--

Yes, Diary. Dear ICHIRO.

I don't even know you--and yet I love you. I love that you're everything I need you to be exactly when I need you to be it. I love that you smile--because it makes me smile. I love that you might, in fact, break every heart that could ever on earth get close enough to yours to love--but that you'll never break mine. All these things and more, Ichiro--the list of reasons why you are everything in human comprehension, ever, to me is an endless, untouchable entity. And even that, I love.

I hurt. I hurt so, so bad. I hurt so bad it rightly numbs me--and then I hurt myself further and on purpose to make sure I can still feel feelings. (Sometimes I can't. Those times are the scariest and the hardest to clean up after.) And then there's you with your secret, sidelong grin (I know you speak English, however mightily you wish to fool the reporters) and your long, elastic limbs--how DO you move like that (and, oh, what it does to my fervent imagination when I'm lying in bed at night, fending off the everyday demons and begging sleep, my God, to be kinder)? I find immeasurable comfort in the simple pleasure of lying atop the bedspread and imagining you tending to life's unoriginal chores--folding laundry (the pinstripes get hung on a line to air-dry; the pants, pressed), morning tea/coffee (how do the Japanese do it and how dearly do you or don't you rely on caffeine's steady kick?), the uncharted routes the water takes in the rippled landscape of your strong back after a late game and extra innings and how the steam rises to caress your chiseled cheekbones... And I promise there's not much that is perverse about it. I am just so unforgivably obsessed with the warmth your perfectly humble (albeit unorthodox) distraction provides. There is nothing safer in the world than knowing you'll be there when the lights go out and the head goes on--with no intention to harm me.

And so that's how I can say that I love you. Unknowingly, unwittingly you have single-handedly constructed the divine sanctuary that will house me--nurture me more closely than anyone I know twice as intimately, dry my incessant, seemingly inconsolable tears. You have easily become the corner I bar myself in when I need a reason to believe that there is good left--somewhere--in the world. How am I supposed to do anything within my human bonds but love that, love you? I do, I do--I love you. I love everything that you're going to help me discover about myself--and I love, furthermore, that, in having discovered the life within me still passionately rattling my bones, you will forever be a part of me, that "thank you" will never be enough, that instead of shredding the band-aid wrappers to avoid detection in my girlhood bedroom's garbage can I can pick up the remote and alight, instead, on the thrill of the game.

Tell me, Ichiro--when you broke your first bat, caught your first fly ball, hit your first homer out of the stadium and saw stars on the slow jog's historic run-around did you expect, for even a moment, that you might in essence save a young girl's life?

And I'll never get used to this part, the failure of my human heart.Collapse )
Music: System Syn - Hospitals | Powered by Last.fm
05 October 2013 @ 05:38 am

Dear You,


     You want me to tell you I love you. I know you do.I can see it in your eye. I would love to tell you that I love you and care very much for you, but it seems fruitless. i can't watch you ruin your life much longer and I'm bound to step away any day now. how can I have a serious talk about my feelings when you are never sober?

Mood: tiredtired
20 July 2014 @ 06:44 pm
dear you,

i can't decide if i like you, or i just want to like you. maybe i should like you. maybe i do and that's why i'm so frustrated, because you don't seem to like me? or you do? or i don't know. we're like fire and water, though. i don't know what to do with you.

<3 me

dear you,

i hate what you do to me.

<3 me

dear you,

i just want to be impulsive. and bad. and not care. and i'm trying to find a partner to do it with. and maybe the fact that i don't care about someone's ring makes me a bad person, but i don't really care about that either.

<3 me
13 July 2014 @ 07:12 pm
dear you,

honestly, i think that i can finally say that i'm over you. i don't feel the urge to talk to you, or remember you/us. i don't really want to hang out with you, or tell you what's going on in my life. i don't really want to hear about your life. i have a bunch of new friends that i am super happy to have. it's like i'm filling the holes of the things/people that i lost because of you. i lost people that i never should have, and i'm glad that i'm finally putting things back together. i'm finally constructing a life that doesn't involve you. i'm changing schools, and i am so happy and proud of my acceptance for transfer (big surprise that you blew it off). no more anxiety about running into you on campus. i have even toyed with the idea of dating someone again. i feel like i have physically, emotionally, romantically and sexually moved on. and all four of those things needed to happen before i could say that i was truly over you. over us. over all of this. there are wounds on hearts that never heal, and i do believe that you left a pretty bad scar. but scars are a sign of healing, and i am so, so happy without you.

<3 me

PS: radar is over you, too.
06 July 2014 @ 09:55 pm
dear you,

i guess i'll forget the sound...Collapse )

06 July 2014 @ 08:01 pm
dear you,

this is probably really a bad idea. and i don't think i care.

<3 me

dear you,

i told you so.

<3 me

dear you,

i keep having dreams about you. come over, meet my puppy, and play some games with me.

<3 me

dear self,

please don't get in too much trouble.

<3 me
28 June 2014 @ 12:37 am
Dear you,

I ain't with it..Collapse )