Log in

18 January 2016 @ 05:39 pm
Hello everyone!

Happy January - it's time for a new writing prompt. Before I post one, just a reminder that if you need anything, please leave a comment on this post. Comments are screened and either chendamoni or I will respond as soon as possible.

For the January writing exercise if you're seeking inspiration:
The end of the year and the holidays take up a lot of time and stir up a lot of emotion - especially if family is involved (or especially if they used to be involved but aren't any more). Write a letter to someone you interacted with at the end of the year... or someone you didn't interact with but wanted to.

There will be a new writing prompt on Thursday 02/11 and any suggestions you have are welcome. Feel free to leave a comment below with an idea.

Happy writing!
08 February 2016 @ 09:58 pm
Dear Boyfriend,

Yes you are right, with your blatant observation there, I have not shaved my armpits for a while.
I am sorry you find that "disgusting"
I am sorry that we live in a society that deems my hairy armpits as disgusting, and not merely an oversight because I have been so damn busy lately that sometimes I have to set a reminder to even brush my teeth in a morning. I am sorry that our society is such that to be found attractive I need to shave my armpits every other day and my legs at least every three days to stop them getting stubbly. im sorry for the fact that when measuring my attractiveness it doesn't matter about my personality, my intelligence, my motivation or my passions. But how skinny, hairless and "perfect" I am. I'm sorry that since my pants have been a little tighter after Christmas I've resorted to counting calories and skipping meals because this society decided that being a bit plumper than normal, with a bit of a muffin top, makes me no longer attractive.
While we're at it, im sorry I have a pear shaped body! That my tits are too small and my thighs are too big. I'm sorry that society finds it acceptable to sexualise breasts and put them on covers of dirty magazines, but if a woman gets one out in public to feed her hungry child she is ridiculed and victimised.
I am sorry that I have to feel all of this, and apologise to you for not having the time to shave my armpits this week, whereas you will never have to make that apology, you will never have to shave your armpits or your legs... Hell you don't even need to shave your face anymore because society has decided that beards are the new sexy.

Well fuck you
And fuck society.

You are not getting laid tonight.
Sincerely me, your disgruntled, slightly more hairy than usual, girlfriend!
08 February 2016 @ 12:04 am
Dear "Big Sister" and "Big Brother-in-Law,"

When I arrived in this country, I didn't think I'd find family. I thought I'd have a bunch of people around me who claimed to want to help but who actually didn't care at all. When enough people who you've just met tell you "If you need anything, just ask," it starts to sound like background noise. They can't all possibly mean it. Surely, they must be fake. Some of them are indeed, I've found. Others, less so, but many are fake.

When you told me, sis, that you wanted to be kind of a big sister to me, I laughed to myself. You were like the others, yeah? Of course. I got here, you welcomed me, but I could tell you didn't trust me. Why should you? You didn't know me yet. I figured it would take longer, though, to get to know you, for you to go forth on your promise to be a big sister to me.

You hosted a party at your house to celebrate your recent engagement. I was going to just go home, not stay, but you said I should spend the night so I didn't have to leave the party so early to get the last metro back home. I stayed on your couch, nursing the inevitable hangover from the party.

The after-party, sitting in your living room, talking, is what I'll remember forever from that night. Sis, you were just sitting calmly on the couch, giving me life advice about boys, relationships, Finland, being an outsider, and finding a future when I feel like everything's collapsing around me. Bro, you were totally wasted, asking me personal questions about my beliefs and religion, listening to answers you wouldn't remember the next day, but listening for real nonetheless. You tucked me in - Tucked me in! - like a small child and told me you'd be proud if you had a daughter or a little sister like me. I cried myself to sleep, curled up like a baby, crammed in on the smaller couch, the one that didn't get alcohol spilled on it during the party. I wasn't crying because I was sad.

I stayed most of the next day. We watched a movie and you made me my favorite kind of sandwich. It felt so strangely domestic to me that I could have cried again. I asked why you were doing this for me. Sis, you didn't respond to my question. Instead you said "You haven't been loved before, have you?" I stuttered out a stupid answer that I know you didn't believe.

You drove me home with a blanket for me to borrow because my apartment is cold. It's one of the nicest things anyone has ever done for me. I wrap myself in it when I feel scared or sad.

I love you, too.
Location: Finland
07 February 2016 @ 01:43 am
Dear passive aggressive girl,
We've both already seen all of things you've said. Your words and actions have been left to speak for themselves for a long time. Life is very peaceful without the drama and toxicity you used to bring. Please try to focus on yourself and not run the lives of others.
XOXO Goodbye,
-Someone who used to think you were better.
Valentine’s Day is a just few weeks away, which means you should start your preparation for this special day. To make this day special couples spend a lot of money on flowers, chocolates, cake, teddy and several other things. If you too are looking for such gifts to make your loved one happy then, you can buy them online.

But do you know that your valentine day celebration is incomplete until you celebrate its entire week i.e. rose day, propose day, chocolate day, teddy day, promise day, hug day, kiss day and valentine day. And when it comes to buy Valentine week’s Day gifts, you should carefully select gifts for your partner to make this week memorable.

Rose day– valentine week starts with rose day on 7th February of every year. Rose day is most special day for lovers when you give red rose to your loved one to express your love towards him/her. There are various websites from where you can order roses or any flowers for your sweetheart.

Propose day– Without conveying your feeling towards the person you like, love cannot bloom! Therefore, it is very important to express our love to the person we like most. And for this, Propose Day came into existence on 8th February. Generally, proposal in made with red roses but you can make it more exciting with some chocolates and a cute teddy bear.

Chocolate day– Chocolate day is celebrated on 9th February. It is a very romantic day and is enjoyed fervently by couples. Love is unromantic and lifeless without something sweet and nothing could be better than chocolate. This Chocolate Day, you should gift lots of chocolates with your partner to stir sweetness in your love life. You can buy wide range chocolates from online sites that are simply outstanding gift to your partner.

Teddy day– Teddy day is one of the cutest days in valentine week which is celebrated on 10th February every year. Giving a cute and adorable teddy bear to your loved one symbolizes the expression of love. Couples celebrate this day by gifting teddy bears to their partners.

Promise day– Love gets stronger with cute little promises. That’s why promise day is celebrated on 11th February. Main motive of this day is to promise your lover that you will remain together forever. This day can make your relationship even more real and healthy. So this time make strong promises to your partner and to make it more efficient, gift your partners some impressive presents such as chocolates, roses and teddy.

Hug day– Love can be expressed in many ways and hugging is one of those ways. A warm and tight hug boosts the mood, also brings couple closer. You can make this day 12th February even more special by giving a warm hug to your partner and gifting roses, mouthwatering cakes, chocolates, and hugged teddy bears to them.

Kiss day– Kiss on cheeks, forehead or on lips are the best way to express sincere love for your partner. Kiss is an integral part of relationship that brings couples closer and makes their bond stronger. On 13th February, couples all around the world kiss each other and spread love.

But without bunches of roses and chocolates, Kiss Day would be unfinished. Sending gifts to your partner on kiss day will not only make them happy but they will remember your gift forever.

Valentine day– And finally comes valentine day! The importance of 14th February increases as it is linked with love. It is a notable day in the calendar of love birds especially the youth! It is not a less than any other renowned festivals nowadays. To make this day special, you should do your best as it comes once in a year.

Roses, chocolates, cakes, and teddy bears are the main features of Valentine’s Day. Without these things, Valentine’s Day simply cannot exist. Its charm and significance is matchless
Location: India
01 February 2016 @ 11:02 am
Dear mo gra,

Today I moved out my things. It was the hardest thing for me and I know it broke both our hearts to do so. I wish I could be mad at you or hate you for making this decision, but I understand it. It was something out of our control and as you said had it not happened we'd still be together.

I promised you that I'd be strong and try to make you proud throughout this. I'm trying my best, but the truth is I'm drowning. Every time I think I'm fulfilling this promise I fall apart again.

I miss you. I love you. It gets worse everyday. I gave you the nickname mo gra, my love, because I've never known love like what we had..I hope one day when things are better we can find our way back. I wish I had the courage to say this to you, but for now I can't. One day I will. I promise.

I love you always and forever.

-your mijn liefde
28 January 2016 @ 01:58 pm
Dear Old Friend,

If you don't want to see me, just tell me. If you don't care about me anymore, just say so. I'd much rather you be honest with me like you used to than have you pretend to care and then ignore me.

A year ago you would always ask me to spend time together and then cancel, but by now we make plans and you just never show up. Honestly I'm tired of being jilted like this. We're adults. We should be able to be honest with each other. We've been friends for thirteen years. I think a friendship this lasting deserves a proper goodbye. So give me one.

At this point, you call and ask if I want to hang out, and I say yes even if I have plans because I know it won't happen anyway. I don't even get excited when I DO see you, despite it being twice a year at the most, because it's always for ten minutes before you have to excuse yourself because your homophobic transphobic sexist gem of a boyfriend can't be at home by himself apparently.

I don't know what happened to us. We were best friends, and I've never stopped making an effort until now, but I'm starting to realize that you haven't cared for a long time now, and it hurts a lot, so I'd really rather you cut me off completely than keep getting my hopes up, when after months of nothing you call me to say you're sorry and you'll be a better friend, but then you never change anything. This is starting to feel like a shitty marriage, and that's a definite red flag.

Our dinner parties aren't the same without you, and sometimes I hope you'll just show up with a bottle of wine and sit next to me at the table again, but I realize it's never going to happen.

I'm not going to just call you up out of nowhere and say all of this, so I'm just holding out for the day you tell me you're done so I can stop hoping we'll drink tea at 3 am together again, or go out to buy mochi and get lost on the way again.

Don't keep me waiting.

25 January 2016 @ 10:27 pm
Dear facebook friends and family...

There's a reason why I've made almost my entire life an open book on facebook for the past month now... more so extroverted than I've been in a long time.
There's a reason why I'm telling just about everyone of you that I love you...even those of you who are cousins or even distant cousins, or was once cousins by marriage.
And it's not because I may appear to be in this desperate lonely state of a person in your minds at all.
It's just the opposite.
I'm trying to love harder than I've done in a long long time before I move forward, and leave all of you behind.
family included. -the day that I leave, noone is going to know.
I'm leaving all of you behind.
I'm starting a new life without any of you.
no more facebook with any of you in my life anymore.
There is many of you that I have told "I love you" to, and many of you who never even commented back, or even bothered to even 'like' the comment.
because you ignored it. (because I'm probably just some crazy random desperate lonely cousin of yours in your minds, who's desperate for a friend, but that's not the case)
(when I say those things.... I'm not hoping for you to 'like' me... trust me... I already know I'm not well liked because I know you've heard a lot of rumours/gossip and you've probably believed a lot of it, even though I've done a lot of crazy shit, and been a little crazy in the past...but that's not it. I'm not saying these things just to be liked by you... trust me... the world doesn't evolve around you anyway... I mean just because you have more facebook friends and likers than me, does not make you any better than me... trust me... because even though the world stands with you, God is on my side. )
but that's ok... you all will know why I said that someday.
hopefully, someday soon. the majority of you are cold and don't know how to love. I know who is for me and who is against me, who opposes me and who stands with me. I know. I can also tell who really loves God more and who doesn't... because they lack love for the rejects like me... (and yes, Jesus Himself was a reject who was even betrayed by one of His followers, and denied by another and still gets rejected everyday) It doesn't matter how good that you may look in the site of many other people... I know. I can feel who judges me and takes me foolishly, and who thinks/feels wicked thoughts about me in their hearts. I know. (I see)
I also know the evil puppetier who started all these rumors, according to the puppet master. and I know who the other little puppetiers are who helped spread the lies! I know.... (I can see more than you know, and more than you may like to think) But it's ok. I will still pray for you guys. all of you. I hope that you can find it in your heart to love God more... and by doing so, love people more in return for loving God. Give back out His love. (let your cup runneth over... let His love overflood your soul) all these losses in the family have affected me more than you realize... I mean don't you guys GET it by now?!? You have to love more fiercely like there's no tomorrow... and like the person who's reaching out to you/talking to you may not live very long! we should learn to always treat everyone like that.! Don't think that just because I'm young that my time may not be short, as the elder ones who've past have been.. Anything can happen to anybody at any time! You all, out of all people should know that! But you act like you don't. there are some rejects like Jesus who will say "I love you" whom you probably won't even have the guts to tell Him you love Him back to..... publicly... As I have done on your public post commentary. But that's ok. I get it... you're more about image, according to all of what you've heard with the hearsay, and gossip, I get it. (Satan loves to take things that look bad, always seem to manipulate and twist the truth, and make lies out of every detail of someone elses' lives to make them look even worse) I get it. I still love you guys though, and that will never change. As I move forward and on with my life, I will continue to pray for every single one of you every day... and that will never stop/change. I love you guys forever

22 January 2016 @ 10:56 pm
Dear Heather,
My first memory of being alive involves you. It wasn't the best memory, seeing as you were making out with your boyfriend in the back of my mom's suburban, but still.
I don't understand you, I really wish I did though. My whole life I've seen you as my cool older sister who I looked up to, I still do in some aspects. You've made me proud, like when you graduated college and when you finally broke up with your dumb boyfriend. You've also disappointed me--getting a DUI (when you well know that dad went to jail for the same reason) the night you were supposed to take me to a concert I was super excited about-and then lying to me about why you couldn't take me, all the other times you've bailed on one of our sister days, and yes, even the time when I was nine and you laughed when my brand new kite flew away.
All of these things, they were between you and I, but when you started dragging dad and Robert into the mix is when it hit the fan. Dad told you not to date his friend. What did you do? Date him. Not only did you break up with him when you were drunk, but you got mad at dad for talking to him the next day before you even told dad that you two had broken up.
Christmas Eve was the last straw, you got drunk and started bickering with dad once we were done opening gifts and everyone had left. I don't know what it was about, but I know for a fact that you started it. You got angry at Robert for insisting that you get a ride home from A.J. and hid your keys. You didn't even thank him the next morning for taking care of you, his OLDER sister, let alone apologize for being such a pain ON CHRISTMAS.
I told you all I wanted for Christmas was a sister day with you, to go to the record store and talk about music, and you haven't even talked to me about it since then. You tell me how glad you are to have a baby sister, but you never show it. When Robert was my age you took him to all the parties and had skate days with him, but you only ever talk to me when you're drunk.
I love you so so so so much and I just wish you loved me.
I'm sorry you were a one night stand baby and dad didn't know about you until you were three, I'm sorry I was a failed attempt to save my parent's marriage and dad knew about me from the start. I really wish it wasn't this way, but it is. The way dad has treated me isn't much better than the way he's treated you, believe me. I've learned to forgive dad because now he's trying his best, I wish you could at least forgive me.

Your baby sister
20 January 2016 @ 05:28 pm

I love you but I didn't like you today. You used a lot of inappropriate language and that offended me and you weren't rude to me but every other word out of your mouth was negative/a complaint and I had a good day but you almost ruined it. I'm not mad at you but I just needed to get that out.
15 January 2016 @ 02:42 am
Dear Darryl,

I feel like i am ready to take the next step in our reationship and I am TERRIFIED. Utterly and completely terrified. It will mean legal action to officially end the marriage that's been over since 2008. It means telling family. It means possibly moving to a new home.
I told you that once my lease is up in 12 months that it will be time. I've given myself 12 more months to do the things I need to do. You've already been waiting eight years... what's twelve more months? What man waits nine years for a woman to get her shit together? Apparently you. I never thought it when this relationship began.
On a day of intense emotion and despair I mention to you that maybe we should move together to the west coast. Pack up and start our life together 3000 miles away. My youngest brother recently moved to Seattle, maybe we should go there. I would feel guilty moving away from my parents, but HELL I'm 40 years old WHY should I feel trapped here? Why is ok for my brother to move 3000 miles away with no guilt? Why is ok for my other brother to be in the military and traveling the world, living his life with his wife and kids without guilt. Why do I feel so guilty at even the thought of moving away from this state? I refuse to feel trapped. So I mention to you that maybe we should go. It will help with the baggage starting over far away. It will be easier to take legal action when I'm 3000 miles away from my husband. It will be easier telling my family I'm in a new relationship when they won't know it's not so new. It means our new home will be new to both of us. Not you moving to me, not me moving to you. It will be us moving away together.
So I finally told my brother what was going on. That Keith and my marriage has been over for years, but I haven't told mom and dad. I told him that I'm thinking of moving to Seattle. I told him that I would come out this summer to visit and see if it's a place I want to live and how he likes it after being there a little longer.
I also took a huge step of mentioning moving to my son. He seems excited at the thought of moving to Seattle which took me by surprise. I told him it's gray and rainy there most of the year. I'm not going to lie to him about it. We would be moving the summer before he goes into high school if we go. He will go with me this summer to visit. I also told him it might help things with me and his dad to be that far apart. That maybe his dad can move on and things can be more normal. He liked the idea of coming back to the east coast and spending summers with his dad. We talked about it a few times and then i let it drop. Why talk about it too much? The visit is the next step. 12 months is a long way away for the actual move.
So yes, in 12 months I will start sending out my resume to Seattle if the visit this summer goes well.
I'm scared. Leaving my parents. Leaving my high paying job in DC. Filing for the divorce to officially end my second marriage.
Scared but going through the motions. I don't want to let my fear stop me. But 12 months is a long time.
Location: Work, Maryland
07 January 2016 @ 11:57 pm
Dear You,
I'm sorry. I manipulated you, I lied to you, I deceived you, and I didn't respect you even though I had feelings for you and althiugh you're not straight, I was too fat, loud, and rude to be of any interest to you in high school.
I wish I'd stayed in the city i grew up in and remained friends with you, you were the kindest friend I found and i lost you, by saying racist things to you and projecting my mental illness onto you. You're right - i wished I was you - I am only half Japanese, you are Sri lankan, and though I should have been happy to come from a wealthier society than you did, I wished I had the privilege of being as attractive as you.
Will I ever know what I missed out on? I am writing this romantically because even now that your lack of interest has almost killed off my feelings for you, I haven't forgotten who you weRe when I was 16, before our friendship went awry, before you were a doctor... Back when you were beautiful.
05 January 2016 @ 12:48 pm
If you only knew what I know...
you wouldn't be saying that.
I love you very much
please don't ever forget it.
always and forever,
-your daughter
love you : )
02 January 2016 @ 06:41 pm

Dear Davey,

I didn't realize it would be so easy for you to just dump your best friends because your crazy girl doesn't like them. And you KNOW she doesn't like them because they know about her sneaking around behind your back. I find it amusing because you used to talk down about people who got caught in those kind of traps.. now look at you.
You hurt our feelings dude. Mine especially. All I have ever done was try to look out for you. I thought we were family. How can you do this? Why are you doing this? Because she scares you? Because you have given up on finding someone worth a damn? Because it is just easier to roll with it? You'll learn though my friend that settling actually isn't the easiest thing to do and will tear you apart. The whole time I dated Bobby for 7 1/2 years he hated when I'd hang out with you guys. He was jealous and possessive. But no matter how much we fought, I still hung out with you guys. Because I love you. And having to choose over friends and a significant other is just fucking STUPID and wrong.
You make me cry so fucking much for doing this to us you fucking.. chump! Ugh, I can't even be mean to you.

Someone who I thought meant a lot to you

PS: Tell your family why I can no longer come to family get togethers. I don't feel like it should be me.. especially when I am being cut off for being honest to you. It also hurts that after becoming so close to your family and feeling like a part of it I have to say goodbye to them too.

28 December 2015 @ 12:21 am
The reason why I deleted you from fb is because my husband doesn't trust you.
end of story.

However, I still believe til this day that you were the most caring, and loving best friend that I've ever had.
And I thank you for that. I will never forget it. Just note, and know, that YOU will always have a special place in my heart, forever. You've always been that one person who helped/made me feel the happiest in my life.
A lot has changed over the past decade though. And I really want to keep the old memories good, and the new memories to none at this point in my life. Maybe all this would hurt you, seeing my new life now.. just like how you don't understand what's going on in my life now, could hurt you, and mix you up, because you don't truly know me anymore, nor do you know anything about my life. You've probably only been going by what you've heard, because the others don't know, nor do they understand either.. because we are distant with everyone now. -We've moved away from our hometowns.

Just note, that I will always love you forever. And that will never ever change. (nothing & noone can/will) special people are special people and that's that. :) Love you.

your old complicated friend lol

25 December 2015 @ 11:59 am
Dear You,
I'm sorry, but my heart is not in this relationship anymore. I don't think it's been there for a very long time now, but we kept trying anyways. It's been five years now and I know compared to others that's a small amount of time, but to me it's been forever...you helped shape me, the person I am today, but for whatever reason I just don't feel the same towards you. It's like tug-of-war with you, because when I'm with you I feel I'm being pulled back to who I was and I can't move past that. I care for you deeply and all I want is your happiness, but for the past five years all I've ever thought about was your happiness...but what about mine? I even went so far as to have you find another woman that you could be with and shower attention on, I didn't think you would be in love with her as well. I'm not perfect, I know this, I'm detached, I don't let myself or others love me easily, I'm guarded, and eternally sad and lonely...you don't need all the above in your life. Not when you have someone that will love you the way you want to be loved, who wants all of your attention. I've been ready to move on for a while now, but you just won't let me go. You say you love me, but we never see each other with out her there, and when we are in one of those rare moments and we are left alone, I don't know how to act around you, because in my eyes your not mine. I have no claim on you, you belong with her. I hope one day you will realize this, and let me go, because if you don't willingly...I can't be like this for much longer.
25 December 2015 @ 02:33 am

Dear you, I love you against my better judgement. Your smile is one of the most beautiful things in the world. But you rarely smile anymore because of her. She uses you, abuses you, and has done nothing but treat you like garbage. You claim to know this and say you don't love her but I see the things you do for her and the way it gets to you when she threatens to stop talking to you. You claim to hate so many things about her and admit she is a former shell of herself.I honestly can say I'm the better woman. I know I would be so grateful to have what she takes for granted everyday. Yet I am and always will be the dependable, sensible friend who's your shoulder to cry on when she breaks your heart. I should really stop caring the way I do. However, your the kind of guy who settles into  someone's heart and stays there for the rest of their life. I remember when I first met you and our eyes locked. There was definately a spark. Or the perfect week we spent together. Or when I got w that one guy and you showed jealousy. I know better than to believe anything will happen between us. She's marrying her fiance in March and yet even then you'll still drink her poison. Someday I know you will be strong enough to let go and move on but it will be too late by then for you and I. I hope these feelings go away and I can find someone with your positive qualities and move on w my own life.  My only real wish is that even it's for just a moment in time you see me truly and realize you love me too.

Dear you,

"And I am feeling so small..." Words can't put into meaning how much I feel for you, emotions ranging from a movie-kind-of-love-story turned sour into an emotionally, physically abusive, depressing nightmare. How did things go south? You used to be the one to call me up, and fall asleep on the phone with me every night so that our breathing could be in sync. You swept me off my feet, from day one. It all happened too fast. Looking back it was like a blur of every tone of color that exists. A kaleidoscope of broken expectations. I only wanted to heal you. The first night we met, we drank too much. Both of us spilling our teenage tragedies. You wore your heart on your sleeve, and I merely wanted to embark on the damage and become a light throughout the darkness of your world. Well, it worked for awhile. I swept you off your feet. I was your hope. That's what I became for a short time. You spoiled me with your charming, romantic gestures. Your words, so tempting. You became my whole universe. You told me that I completed you. I should've known better...
The day I moved in with you, I drove through a snowstorm on terrible roads to get to you. Couldn't wait another day. Two months felt like eternity to us both. The moment I got out of my van, there you were drenched in your work clothes, standing there with a smile of excitement on your face. There was something else there that I couldn't understand though. Something changed.
The next few months were nothing short of love. We were so close, so happy.
But, then your drinking habits became unbearable.
Everything spiraled downward, your depression hit me like a hurricane. Full force. Everything fell apart.
Then I got pregnant with your son.
4 months you committed yourself to sobriety.
After the holidays, you relapsed. Everything got much worse. We started fighting, became enemies. You didn't care about me anymore. Couldn't look past your problems and see that you became OUR problem.
"now you see me, now you don't... now you need me, now you don't..." (fiction we live- from autumn to ashes)
You got angry with me, over little things. While I was taking care of our baby, post-partum depression took me over, and we both were miserable.
One morning leading up to my departure, you got mad over laundry and shook our baby's bed violently (he wasn't in it) but you scared me.
For the first time, I saw a different side of you. A very ugly, scary side.
A few days later, I found out you were lying to me. You were deep into your addictions now. And we had a new baby. I decided to leave before you got home from work.
I packed up me and the baby, and left.
I haven't seen you since.
You hate me now.
"how can you be so cruel, when all that I did was for you? I break into two over you... and if a piece of me dies..."
You have been acting out in horrible ways since we broke up. You've dated someone else, another addict girl. You used to say I kept you together.
Why are you so mad at me for trying to help you?
Why do you hate someone that you used to care about?
What happened to us?
All of these questions are so hard to understand.
I miss you.
I pray for your well-being and that you get help with your mental illness.
I pray for my son and for us to be a family someday.
But most of all I pray for forgiveness.
Mood: heartbroken
Music: from autumn to ashes
09 December 2015 @ 01:54 am
Dear, Jeff

if I knew then what I know now would I think it was all worth it.
we met in high school randomly through your brother and then we got stuck in the same class for Saturday school you where a couple years younger, but I still remember it like it was yesterday. I didn't have to many friends so I was happy you started talking to me. I was still the new girl from the wrong side of the city and it was a hard transition for me but we clicked so I couldn't ask for a better friend. I started going to classes more often and we would meet up during brakes we started hanging out more and more and your bother asked, just stay out of trouble. What I didn't know at the time was, your dad passed away. You didn't know how to grieve and you became reckless we both struggled with depression. I refuse to act like we did no wrong because no one is perfect we both had our faults but at the end of the day we had our hearts where in the right place had each others back we became best friends. When things where good they where awesome but when they where bad it was out of control.
the first time we smoked weed. I never got high before so I was kind of worried but I smoked anyway, it was fun I wasn't thinking of all the friends I lost or what was going on at home we really just had a good time and then we would go eat it became our after school special. it was my only bad habit but to me it wasn't that bad, its just weed lol! the years went and by the time I was a senior we where still smoking and you where into other drugs I remember the day I found out I was pissed you where coked out for days and someone finally decided it was time I should know because it became a problem, although now that I think about it I should have known. All the signs where there your mood was aggressive most of the time and you became controlling I remember you took over my cell phone, my mom was paying for and I didn't know how to get it back. I lost a few more childhood friends because of you. I remember thinking why?being mad because I unknowingly gave you money for your coke habit, I hate cocaine .. I went into a mode I wanted to tell your mom but I couldn't. I gave you an ultimatum it was either me or the drugs we didn't talk for months. you wrote me a letter in total denial. I told you to fuck off! but you wouldn't leave me alone. Finally you cornered me in a room and forced me to talk to you so I let you talk I'm not doing that Jay I swear I was but when you found out I stopped please just talk to me. I was in tears I hate cocaine it reminds me of my dad you hugged me as I cried and promised you would never do it again. I asked you not to make a promise you couldn't keep
my friends mom was poking my forehead she asked me if it hurts I told her it's rude stop and then she put her hand on my arm that was bruised from the wrist up. she told me she'll let her son kick your ass. You asked how dose she know? Idk she's known me since I was 6. How come you hit me everyone's noticing how I'm all bruised up how you try and control me your just my best friend you know, right? and don't tell me it because you where teaching me how to fight even your girlfriend thinks its strange she thinks I'm sleeping with you what lies did you tell that's why she disrespected my house trying to fuck you on my bed if anything is going on between us its because of you i don't share I'm getting tired of this its not fair you get the best of both worlds you stress me out and stop saying your going to die young
the nightmare call forward.. call again.. still no answer leave a message hey it's jay can you please just call me I'm freaking out I had this really bad dream about you. I just want to hear from you sorry I know I sound crazy but please just call me ...hey jay im ok what was your dream? we where in a field or a parking lot something like that and someone came from behind hit you in the head you where bleeding tried to help it was crazy i woke up scared don't trip it was just a dream
January 2007 finally your going to be 18 what do you want for your birthday make sure you get your ID so we can go out to the club celebrate both our birthdays. will party all month long because its your 18 and my 21 I fucking wish we would have taken time to go get that.
February 1,2008 I woke up saying no I don't want to know! a friend at the time ran to my house from the police department, straight into my room. he thought I was awake he thought I already knew but when he realized I wasn't he kind of froze. then told me to wake up he told me he needed to tell me something important I didn't want to hear it he told me you where in the hospital and I told him to stop playing you guys are really fucked up for waking me up like this where is he hiding he told me to listen and he wasn't bullshitting that the night before they where hanging out and drinking at the park in a safe neighborhood and at about 12am they ran into some guy they didn't get along with he had an aluminum bat he hit your head causing a lot of damage i remember screaming and my mom came in asking if i was ok I couldn't tell her. how could i she was always warning me that she was afraid something would happen I know why my mom didn't like you she obviously had her reason so i just kept it to myself and i was still in denial everyone was calling me they assumed i knew information but the truth was i didn't actually get a call until the middle of the day i knew nothing they gave you 48 hours and i tried to go see you i was devastated to find out your mom couldn't see past all the hate she had for me she kicked me out and told me i don't belong i walked away to the elevator with my head held high but once i was able to i just cried and i cried my heart shattered i was so over whelmed with sadness it would be the beginning of a long battle with myself you ended up in a comma and stayed in a vegetated state for more the 5 years it took a few years to get the ok to see him i still have trouble excepting all this amd its been years i just carry along of guilt</i>
03 December 2015 @ 03:13 pm
(following the prompt to myself one year ago).

Dear Me,
Do not trust him. don't let him back into your life. It will feel good for a while, but then he'll disappoint you, hurt you, and break your heart. You will feel pain like none before. So do not trust him. Be strong. Know that you deserve better than him. You are still so vulnerable, so hurt from the previous break up 6 months ago, still not over him. But, do not let him back in. One year from now, he's going to hurt you again. You are worth more than him. You deserve a man who really loves you, not just says that he does. DO. NOT. TRUST. HIM. EVER. AGAIN. You are so valuable and you deserve a man who recognises your worth. Don't let him back in.


Dear Tanner,

Well the truth is...that I miss you.Collapse )

Mood: melancholymelancholy
Music: Cigarette Daydream
27 November 2015 @ 01:08 pm

Dear you,
I miss the days when we use to talk with each other. I miss the day when I can always have by my side. Nowadays, we act like a stranger. Does it feels strange for you when we pass by none of us say hi? I do and to be honest I feel sad about it. I have tried to talk but it seems that you are trying to put me in distant...

24 November 2015 @ 03:45 pm
Dear You,

I know you are aware that my husband had a stroke just over six years ago. That would be around the time you were dating him. Yeah. I know that happened. I was away at school at the time, and it was obvious to me that he was having problems. Problems remembering things. Problems handling money. Problems planning complex tasks. But I had one more required class to go before I would earn my bachelor's degree, so I tried to help him manage his issues long distance. That didn't work, so two days before Thanksgiving I was forced to quit school. Two days later was the last time either one of us saw you.

Of course you were at that big family Thanksgiving dinner, because you're family. Right? After all, your daughter is the mother of my stepson's daughter. Yes. You share a granddaughter with the married man you were dating... Because that's not weird. No, not one bit. /sarcasm.

Do you remember how that evening ended? We grandparents were supposed to babysit our granddaughter while her parents went to the bars with their friends. Yeah. THAT went well. Not.

Do you remember joining in with my husband's ex in belittling me? Screaming at me about how horrible I am? How terrible it was that I couldn't remember exactly when my husband's next Dr appointment was? (Spoiler alert: When your husband suffers a stroke that leaves him with permanent dementia, the Dr appointments all just blend together. So do the days, and years.) I'm sure you remember you and my husband's ex screaming at me as we left.

"You're NOT a part of THIS family!"
"Go back to (town where university I had just left is located)! NO ONE WANTS YOU HERE!"

I wonder how you explained all that fuss to our three year old granddaughter?
Did you see me collapse in tears on your daughter's porch?

We have not heard from you in six years, so I don't know how much you know about why my husband and I have not seen our granddaughter in four years. The short story is that it is related to how that Thanksgiving dinner ended six years ago. You, and my husband's ex never saw me as family. Unfortunately, my husband has dementia. He also has diabetes, high blood pressure, and heart damage from the heart attack he had this spring. His medical needs are complex. Where he goes, I go. And my husband's ex is toxic enough to insist that I never ever am allowed around our granddaughter. Not due to anything I have ever done. Simply because I exist. And if that means my husband never sees his only grandchild, well, so be it.

One thing I know you remember is that you and my husband happen to share a birthday. I know this because you called my cell phone and left a message for him. You probably don't know that I disconnected our land line to save money and had the number transferred to my cell phone. Even so, singing "Happy Birthday to Grandpa" to a man you used to date, and haven't seen in six years, that's creepy. Creepy as HELL.

I haven't let my husband listen to that message. Because it's creepy. And because he no longer remembers his granddaughter's name. If he doesn't remember her name, he surely doesn't remember yours.

I suppose you'd say you have the right to call and wish my husband a happy birthday. Because you're "family." But you know what? You're my husband's son's baby mama's mother. My husband hasn't dated you in six years, and he shouldn't have been sneaking around behind my back to date you in the first place. You also were in the wrong to be dating a married man. Not only that, but your skanky daughter slept around enough that my stepson dropped her ass four years ago. You're no more "family" than a distant second cousin.

So, no. No you don't.
21 November 2015 @ 01:28 pm
1. Dear you,
I didn't stop talking to you because of that one bit of water under the bridge, that you hit me years ago. I stopped talking to you because no matter what I did or said, you used it to feed the beast that made you tear at both of us. And if I try to give you the closure I owe you and you (I think) crave, you will use it as an excuse to do something violent and stupid. You should not own a firearm right now. I am very afraid. Congratulations. I hope it does you good to scare a pathetic sack of shit like me.

2. Dear you,
Hey. I love you. But I am glad you ended this zombie relationship. You said you were addicted to me, but it was the getting back together, the wonderful, joyous first days of forgiveness after loneliness that were your real drug of choice. And darling, they were so heady and so sweet, my heart could hardly bear it. Thank you. But it was a hell of a way to run a love life. The thing they say about hitting yourself on the head with a hammer is a lie, for me: it doesn't feel good when I stop, it feels like I've been hit with a hammer. So thanks for breaking that cycle when I didn't have the strength. I am so happy to miss you every day.

3. Dear you,
You have noticed I haven't broken "radio silence." This is because, holy shit do I get into disastrous relationships, but I could see that if we got together, it would be just really, really awful for both of us. I honestly don't think you knew that you were grooming me to be involved with you; it even sounds terribly egotistical to say, but the whole world saw that you were lying to yourself about your crush on me; I was one of the last to see it. And I could tell you what made me feel like I had to run away, but you would only use it to beat yourself up. I miss you so much, my friend, but "sleep with me or I'll kill myself," is kind not the kind of bullying I want to build my life around.
15 November 2015 @ 06:31 pm
I hate being used as a pawn in your games.

Sincerely, me