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28 August 2015 @ 12:41 pm
Dear All My Family and Friends,

So, I fucking hate my life. I hate my job, I feel like a trapped rat when I'm at work. And I smoke on average 10 cigarettes a day. I'm going to die young. Everything is fucking awful. And I can't talk to anyone about it because whining is the devil and you have to be fucking positive all the time. What is it with all these people, don't they ever get fed up? Are all the people I know really that happy with their lives? Fucking brainwashed shit-heads. I fucking hate this. Someone! Please! Pay attention to me!

Sincerely,

vjb
 
 
 
Let’s get one thing straight.

Depression is very real.

It’s a horrible disease that can take over your life. It can affect if not destroy your relationships. It can cause you to harm yourself and those around you. It can shadow your entire existence.

I know this.

And I know there are a lot of things the people around someone who is depressed can do to help them on their road to recovery. All you have to do is type “how to help someone with depression” into Google and you’re presented with a plethora of sites with advice on how to help someone who is suffering from this horrible disease. Some are more helpful like THIS link, and some are less helpful, if not downright patronising, like THIS.

What these sites don’t tell you, is how hard it is to be that someone who is helping a depressed person overcome their illness.

You see, depression is not a solitary disease, even though someone who is suffering from it may feel like they are alone in the world. The humankind are herd animals and we all have people around us, be that family, friends, a significant other, colleagues or whoever. Unless you live in a cave in the mountains as a recluse hermit, you have people around you. Depression does not simply only affect the person who suffers from it, it affects those the person suffering from it comes in contact with.

There is plenty of advice what people can do to help a depressed person along, but there is no advice on how the depressed person can help those around them to understand their condition, a kind of a help-me-help-you guide.

And before anyone gets their knickers into a twist and accuse me of not understanding depression and expecting unreasonable things from those who suffer from this crippling disease, know this: I am a survivor. I am not going to patronise anyone and say “I was depressed and then I got better” because frankly, no one ever “gets better” like they got over a flu or a migraine. They survive. Yes, it got so bad I couldn’t bear to leave the house, I was heavily medicated and went through years of therapy. But I survived. And I wish someone had told me then what I know now, even if I didn’t want to hear it or couldn’t fully understand it. I wish someone had told me how I can help those who are trying to help me.

If you are a family member, a friend, a spouse, anyone who has a depressed person in their lives, you need to hear this and they need to hear it too. It doesn’t matter if they want to. LINK
 
 
 
25 August 2015 @ 11:12 am
Maybe this is just a phase...
A phase wherein you'll learn a lot of things in life.
A life that is in accordance to reality
An eye opener to an idealist vision of yours.

Wherever this journey leads you for sure you'll gain something you'll never get had you chosen not to embark on this not so typical journey of yours.
So enjoy the ride, make the most out of it, and hope it will lead you to where you really want.
Most importantly remember to learn from all the lessons you learnt and you'll.
 
 
 
Dear you,

I hope that when people ask you how I'm doing, you say "I don't know" and think about the fact that you don't know because you screwed up enough that you haven't seen me in person in almost a year and let it really sink in, because I need you to understand.

It took me a really, really long time to accept what everyone was saying; that you were bad for me, that it was unhealthy. That I wasn't going to end up in a good place with you. But they were right, and I'm sorry they were right. I wish things could have ended up differently.

In case you wondered, I'm doing okay. Not "good", not "fine", but "okay". For a long time, because of the things you said and did, I wanted to die. I almost did. And that was the beginning of me understanding that you were bad for me. I am trying to let go of my bitterness. I'm trying to be happier and smile more and laugh more. I'm trying to forget about you. Technically, we're still together, because we haven't really spoken in a while. Last time we talked was good. You were kind. You said sorry. And I'm happy for that, because it might be years before I can let myself talk to you again.

I love you. Very much. But I can't, and I need to stop. Because you're bad for me, and I accept that now. I can't talk to you again until I know I won't run back to you.

In case you wondered, no, there's no one else. That's not what it's about. It's about your actions and my feelings. I need to be more than just "okay", and I can't be that with you anymore. I'm sorry about that, and I know you are too. I'm sorry that your sorry isn't enough. I still care about you, and I'm not trying to hurt you by pulling away. I'm just trying to protect myself.

Now that I'm "okay", I can't risk being close to you. I can't be the way I was again last winter. I was depressed and I hated everyone and everything, and I wanted to die. But now, I feel better, and I think I can live with everything that's happened, finally. When we were good, I was happy, and you were sweet to me. I'll never be able to thank you enough for that. But in the end, it was bad, and we were bad, and there's no picking the bad parts out and keeping the good, because this is real life.

This is a goodbye.

love,
her.
 
 
 
11 August 2015 @ 08:02 pm
A letter I will not send to my Mother-in-lawCollapse )
 
 
Mood: satisfiedsatisfied
 
 
 
Сопливые посты о несчастной любви, потере себя, советах как пережить расставание, как стать сильнее и использовать одиночество во благо... Все это всегда безумно раздражало меня, не смотря на то, что в истерических количествах я продолжала и продолжала поглощать эту информацию из сети. Курсы, тренинги, книги, журналы, советы подруг и огромное количество собственных мыслей, перемыслей, переосмыслений, походы к психологам и неврологам.
Не помогает.
Не помогает.
Ты способен все разложить по полочкам в своей голове, выстроить идеальную структуру того, где и как ты ошибся. Можно бесконечно долго обдумывать все миллиарды возможностей, которые были упущены, или не были и хорошо что так.
Мы себе изменяем. Я себе изменила. Я изменяла себе так много раз. Я до сих пор продолжаю это делать.
Я изменяю себе, когда говорю что быть матерью-одиночкой не так страшно. Я люблю одиночество, но ненавижу оставаться одна. Бред? Бред!
Я изменяю себе, когда смотрю на проходящего мимо понравившегося мне мужчину, думая что он наверное не идеальный и у него есть куча недостатков. Я так говорю просто по-тому, что он не посмотрел на меня. Я обесцениваю его в своих глазах, ибо так легче пережить и в этот момент я снова изменяю себе.
Я изменяю себе постоянно. И главная измена заключена в том, что безумно долгое время я отказываюсь признаваться себе в своем неумении желать! Я не умею желать. Меня никто не учил этому. И я не умею говорить. Я черт возьми не могу сказать, выдавить из себя ни слова.
Много лет назад, примерно в свои 23, я так четко понимала чего я желаю, что мне даже не приходилось задумываться об этом. Я хотела, делала и получала. И это касалось всего.
Но потом я первый раз изменила себе, когда не сказала человеку, которого я безумно любила, что мне больно, истерически больно от расставания с ним. Я не сказала ему что я ненавижу то, что он разлюбил меня. Я не сказала ему как чертовски больно думать, что я больше ему не нужна. Я тогда просто стиснула зубы и потратила семь лет жизни на то, чтобы молча, но гордо, пережить этот трындец.
Как же можно было на столько себя предать, чтобы даже не сказать ему что он урод и козел? Как можно было предать себя на столько, чтобы потом всю жизнь искать в себе изьяны, заниматься самокопанием, как можно было быть на столько тупой, чтобы просто не спросить его - почему? Почему я перестала быть достаточно хороша для тебя?
Гордость, она же глупость, она же тупость...
Это было кучу лет назад. А я до сих пор думаю что со мной что-то не так.
И вот я встретила его совершенно случайно, и мой мозг был взорван. Я около десяти лет потратила на то, что страдала от потери мужчины моей мечты, который оказался совершенно не мужчиной моей мечты. И теперь, когда я встречаю того, кто мне нравиться, я молчу об этом, делая вид, что этот человек мне совершенно безразличен, как сделала тогда, когда "мужчина моей мечты" от меня ушел. Он ушел, а я до сих пор живу молча, гордо задрав нос, боясь посмотреть вперед и увидеть как сильно я от этого несчастна.
В связи с этим возникает вопрос: я одна такая дура?
Совершенно не понятно, с какой целью написан весь этот бред.
Но стало намного легче.
 
 
 
09 August 2015 @ 10:10 pm
dear you,

Read more...Collapse )
 
 
 
05 August 2015 @ 06:41 pm
Dear Society,

Will you change? When you do, will it be for the good of the people or for the fame and fortune? Will you ever accept those who are you different? Those who do not fit into the established category of normal. I can only hope for those who have not been forgiven. I do not have the strength to fight you. I only have the ability to watch those who hide from your wickedness. If I do fight, I will be exposed. That cannot happen because then nothing will change. I am on neither side but I also cannot move. I stuck between fitting in and denouncing evil for everything it has ever done. I cannot forgive you. For you have killed so many. I also cannot blame you for everything. Humans can only make mistakes after all. I pray that you stop. I beg that you change for the good of the people. But that's impossible. For that to happen, people would have to get along and agree. While that does happen, at the same time, it doesn't. People were born with opinions. These create disorder causing people to choose between life and limb. Emotions are stirred and chaos ensues. Even if it has the slightest possibility, can you change?

Sincerely,

The Audience on the Sidelines
 
 
Location: Space
Mood: restlessrestless
Music: Thanks for nothing by Sum 41
 
 
 
31 July 2015 @ 12:55 pm
Вчера я слушала одну из самых популярных групп Украины "Океан Эльзи". И я удивлена. На Евромайнане они поддерживали бандеровцев, а теперь поют, что война в Донецке и Луганске никому не нужна (в песне "Не твоя війна" (не твоя война).
Это совершенно не логично. Меня просто начинает трясти от украинской думы. Я не понимаю. как можно забыть свою историю и свои корни.
Новые бандеровцы восхищаются Гитлером, считаю себя лучше чем остальные. А наше деды и прадеды умирали за веру. Они понимали, что если нацисты захватят СССР, то первое, что они сделаю - это уничтожат украинцев. Гитлер считал Украину слабой, пьющей стпаной.
А как же стихи:
Люди!
Покуда сердца
стучатся, —
помните!
Какою
ценой
завоёвано счастье, —
пожалуйста,
помните!
Песню свою
отправляя в полёт, —
помните!
О тех,
кто уже никогда
не споёт, —
помните!
Детям своим
расскажите о них,
чтоб
запомнили!
Детям
детей
расскажите о них,
чтобы тоже
запомнили!
Во все времена
бессмертной
Земли
помните!
К мерцающим звёздам
ведя корабли, —
о погибших
помните!
Встречайте
трепетную весну,
люди Земли.
Убейте
войну,
прокляните
войну,
люди Земли!
Мечту пронесите
через года
и жизнью
наполните!..
Но о тех,
кто уже не придёт
никогда, —
заклинаю, —
помните!
 
 
 
29 July 2015 @ 11:02 am
Dear Rude Customers,

I am sorry that YOUR lives are SO MISERABLE that you have to bring others down just to make yourselves feel better. BUT, coincidentally and maybe even accidentally, you have helped me become the bigger and better person and employee than I would ever be on my own. You taught me to have empathy and even some sympathy for others. You taught me how to deal with assholes, such as yourselves, and to not take your problems personally. You have also taught me, through your stupidity and your rude words and/or actions, to take accountability for my words and/or actions. As a result, though unintentionally, you have helped me rise through the ranks of my job.

So next time you act like assholes to another employee, in my job field, please be aware that you are doing THEM a favor and helping THEM rise through the ranks of life. Meanwhile YOU are not helping yourselves and, instead of rising up, you are lowering yourselves down through the ranks of life.

So instead of making yourselves out to be complete and miserable assholes and putting negativity out into the world, why not have upbeat and positive attitudes toward life, be kind and friendly and helpful to others, and put more positivity out into the world?

Good luck, have a nice day and many Bright Blessings to you!

Sincerely,
The Courtesy Clerk you were mean and nasty to, Rebecca M.
 
 
Location: Home
Mood: and happy
Music: none
 
 
 
18 July 2015 @ 09:44 pm
Dear Momma,

It has been 11 days since you left us and I fight through each day hoping that it was all just a bad dream. I never realized how much I relied on you, even if we didn't talk every day I felt safe in the knowledge that you were there and that I was just eeking out time until we could talk or see each other again. You weren't just my Mom, you were my best friend, my rock, my hero, the person I most hoped I could be like. You meant so much to so many of us. Now I stare down the barrel of the fact that I have to go home and this time you won't be there, you'll never be there again. Going home this time means saying goodbye to the one person I can't bare to say goodbye to. I pick up my phone hoping that the blinking light is a text from you. I pick up the phone with every intention of messaging you and stop mid text reminding myself that you won't be there to read it before deleting the message and walking away from the phone. I re-read our last conversation and it seems so stupid to me that the last things we talked about were chocolate cake and migraines. I didn't even tell you I loved you that day, I fell asleep before we finished talking, and two days later you were gone. Words can't describe the pain I felt when that call came. My whole world is on end and I don't know how to right it again.

I hope that you knew how much we all loved you. I hope you never ever doubted that or felt unloved or like a burden to any of us because we never saw you that way. We all saw a woman determined to live, determined to beat the odds, to fight back, and to be there for her family. You were constantly guiding us and helping us. I hope we made you as proud as you made us.

I am so sorry that you won't be here to see the birth of your third grand baby. I am so sorry that you won't be here to see the three of them growing up, becoming young men and women, graduating from high school, college, getting married, and blessing you with great-grandbabies. I hate that you won't get to impart your wisdom upon them and I can only hope that those of us left behind can do you justice and help them to understand and to know what a wonderful legacy you blessed us with.

I can't bare to think that you won't be there for all that is to come. I can't bare the thought of not having my sounding board, my secret keeper, my ass kicker, and advice giver by my side. You gave me stregth when I was weak, made me smile when all I wanted to do was cry, reminded me of who I was when I got lost, gave me a safe place to fall when I crashed.

I couldn't have had a better Mom. I am so grateful for the time we had you, and even more so for the borrowed time that we had, though I would give anything for more. I am thankful that you are no longer in pain but dread knowing that we are all going to hurt from your loss for a long time to come. There are so many more things I want to tell you, and those numbers will only increase over the years to come. I have no idea how I'm going to get through any of them without you. But I know that I have to, and I know that I can only hope to be half the woman and mother you were. You left some awfully big shoes behind.

I have never wanted there to be a heaven as much as I do now, and I have never wanted so much to believe that we will see each other there.
 
 
Location: Derby, KS
Mood: crushedcrushed
Music: See You Again - Wiz Khalifa (ft Charlie Puth)
 
 
 
15 July 2015 @ 10:28 am
Dear You,

Words can't even begin to describe the way that I feel after all that has happened between us. I become so frustrated and hurt when I used to be happy and joyful.
You were there for me when no one was. We had this connection that we both felt as though no one else could seem to understand. It seemed as though everything was going great. We were both moving forward in our lives and having each other to help.

Then she came into the picture and there I went.

You knew that I did not at all get along with her but you continue(d) to bring her around me. All i asked was that you not bring her around me. I could care less what you all were doing. Just don't bring her around me. It seemed as though that didn't stop you. The more and more she came into the picture the more I was pushed out.

I never thought that it would get to the point between us yelling at each other with words that are so hateful/hurtful. Now it has gotten to the point where we barely even talk to each other. When I come into our apartment you look as me as though I am the unwanted dog a kid brought home off the street. You told me that I was not wanted and liked by anyone who is in your life.

I have apologized for the things that I have said and done to you. I will say it again: I am sorry for anything and everything hurtful that I have ever said or done to you.

Now that we are at this point it is time for me to move on

" Gotta feeling that I'm going under, but I know i'll make it out alive, If I quit calling you my lover and move on"

Its time for me to be me without you.

" This is my fight song, Take back my life song, Prove I'm alright song, My powers turned up, starting right now I'll be strong, I'll play my fight song, and I don't really care if no body else believe, cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me."


Sincerely,

The one who couldn't live withou you

until now
 
 
Location: Couch
Mood: refreshedrefreshed
Music: Fight Song ~ Rachel Platten
 
 
 
11 July 2015 @ 11:21 am
Dear you,

I received your letter 2 and a half months ago and I have not opened it. It sits on top of my refrigerator so I can always find it, but so my daughter won't open it for me. If she did I'd be too curious to not read it any longer. I think about it everyday, glance at it a few times a week. At night I feel overwhelmingly guilty for not reading it. For never responding or acknowledging that I've ever received it. I hate you for writing me because I hate you. You know why I do, you know in your heart that you deserve that hate. But you wrote me a very heavy letter all the same and I think that is mean. It's mean because now I have to feel something for you that you don't deserve. I have to feel guilty and I have to feel curious and somehow I feel like I OWE you my reading of it. But I don't. I can never recover from the hurt you have brought me for 24 years. I can never welcome you into my home, my heart, my life even. In a way it doesn't matter what is in that letter. You could say the perfect thing to melt my heart and remember the way we were when we were kids. You could be self righteous and stupid like you are most of the time. You could guilt trip me, throw my flaws in my face, pull the dead parents card. It doesn't matter. Nothing that you could write, would open my life to you again. So I suppose I should read it and get it over with. But I won't today. Maybe I never will.

Love,
your sister
 
 
Mood: heavy hearted
 
 
 
05 July 2015 @ 09:15 pm
Dear T,

Where are we now? I'm so confused, I random text here or there, I see you once a week, this is so strange. This is what you want, what you need, how it has to be, what is right, what is "healthy". But you don't understand, you don't fucking understand anything. I got so close to you, I let you in, showed you parts of my soul, and you showed me parts of yours. You may not have ment to but you did and you can't undo what I saw. And now it's like you're gone, and this is how you want it, did you ever fucking care? Was I just part of some mission to recrut into your cult? You don't understand what it's like to be close to someone, you aren't close to anyone, you said you made exceptions for me and didn't fallow the advice you were given or things would have been different. Well I wish they were, I wish you wouldn't have bothered, just left me alone. This is fucking stupid, you made yourself important to me and now you are shoving everything I gave to you back at me. And I fell for it, god that's the saddest part! I fell for you! The way you spoke, what you said, your passion, conviction, faith, intelligence, humor, weirdness, strong will, grace, everything. I wanted it, part of me still wants it, when I see you and you joke around and nudge me and smile, I just want to kiss you. I want to hold you and teach you every sinful dirty thing I know, I want you to give in, I want to see you lose that control you always have in place. Then you say something that is uncaring and callus and I want to punch you in the face, and scream at you. You are so clueless about the world and feelings and love, you know the idea but you have no idea. Ugh! I could have loved you I think, and that pisses me off, you made a pact with yourself and God to not fall for me in the beginning no matter what, and you are sticking to it. No matter what happens in the future. That just enrages me! How fucking dare you try to control your heart, that was you telling God what you are going to do, telling him what he was going to do, you realize that don't you? You probably don't because you are clueless at things like that. And then how you played with my emotions and confused me so. Giving me so much attention, being so so gentle and sweet, and sending me songs and quoting our favorite cartoon and making me smile and blush all the time. You even said you loved me once, and telling me I shouldn't be with who I'm with. Then rejecting me when I tell you I like you. And now we are in this fucking mess and it's your fucking fault and it's my fucking fault because I let the wrong people become important to me. And I still want you, I still remember everything about you, everything you told me. Your favorite chips are still in my cupboard, the beer we got for St. Paddy's day is in the fridge, the special icecream for you because of your allergies is in the freezer. I want it to all go away, what is the point in all of this if you are just going to be this aquantence? But then I don't want it to go away, I wish that I wished I never got to know you, that you never changed me. I hate that I don't hate you and that I can't stay made at you. Even when you come into my dreams and wake me up, even when you say something that hurts. I feel like we both came into this friendship trying to change the other, and I kept caving into you, and giving, while you remained steady like a mountain, maybe eroding away a little down at the edges but that's it. I told you once, I am a storm, chaos, ever growing and changing and unpredictable, and you are a mountain, steady, solid, unwavering, dependable, unshakable. What happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object? You get us, you get this. I bend over backwards for others and you care less about people on earth, you live for God, and plan your life for when you die. And that is so sad, you are forgetting to live, and missing the love. But you won't listen and you won't change. So we are at this impasse, because I have given in, but I am not happy, and you are. :( your life is going fine with out me talking to you everyday, if I decide to never talk to you again you probably wouldn't even notice....

Sincerly,
The girl you really messed up...
 
 
Music: Lana Del Rey
 
 
 
05 July 2015 @ 10:40 pm
I never wrote you - never spoke to you - I deleted you from my facebook, and from the business's facebook page. And then the business changed facebook passwords. --I didn't ask for the password. I've never looked you up online. I haven't even looked up your name in the business archives to find out if you've ever been back in town.

I told you, I can delete people from my facebook, and never feel a twinge of guilt.

You were devastatingly disappointing, with your perfect façade: your beauty, your bragging, how you hugged me when I cried. You were a fake.

And now I have steeled myself toward you. I will never pine for you. I will never have anything to do with you. I have no love for you, for I am hurt. There is nothing but pain inside me - massive pain - that I wasted my virginity on your representation of yourself.

You know what you are: a con man. You don't even know who you are deep down. You are the most selfish person I have ever encountered in my entire life.

And you may forget about me. I know that you have already absolved yourself of any guilt for what you've done to me. What else have you done? Who else have you burned, and scarred?

It's despicable and more than my anger at you, I am upset at myself for ever having believed you - for ever having thought that perhaps you were the one, that you believed me to be as valuable as you, good enough for you, that you would build a beautiful future with me, the type that you spoke to me about.

But then many states away, you claim that it is all lies. I don't know what to believe. In fact, you have changed, changed into something that I don't recognize. I became afraid, very afraid of you.

You are a con man. You take on and mimic every person you see, and you give them exactly what you think they want. You can hear other conversations and listen to multiple at a time. I caroused with you. I fell for you. I would have done anything for you.

But you were a fake. You never, ever wanted me for anything more than your jollies. I was never good enough for you. You lied about wanting an energy independent home. You lied about trying to be a vegetarian. You lied about even liking healthy food. You lied to me, and you didn't even think to look for recycling because you believed it to decrease your quality of life just slightly.

You are a selfish pig, an absolute selfish pig. And I know you're okay with it but you shouldn't be. How can you believe in hiring other people to do everything for you? How can you lie about your money, about your dreams, about how you felt about me, about everything I ever heard you say that I could tell the difference?

You said we were made for each other. You said it was destiny. You said we were always with other people. You held me in your arms and told me exactly what I wanted to hear. You were lying out of your teeth.

And it was all lies. I would have done anything for you, and it was all lies. That's what hurts the most. I was making love to someone who was simply mirroring me - mocking me - in order to get his way. It was terribly disappointing. At least now when I make love, I am making love to a person who is real, true, trustworthy, caring, and yet still beautiful in the mirror, somebody who did not falsify likeness.

I have a very strong memory and I have to bear the burden of what I did: slept with you. It's about how I am stuck with those memories, and about how you looked at me with steel in your eyes when you dropped me at the airport.

You promised me a trip to San Francisco. You promised me room service breakfast in bed. And then when I visited you, you claimed not to have the money or desire to go. And then you posted a hotel bed, with white sheets and a window overlooking SF, and underneath it a note about being in SF.

What did you think this would do to me? Did you think I would die? That I would realize that I should come back to you and go out? When you posted that you were in our city, and asked if anyone wanted to hang out, did you think that I would call you up? Did you think I would text you? Did you think I was desperate?

Oh no, I was on a trip to Belize. I was out camping in the back woods. I was on a road trip to Maine. I didn't even see your desperate, pathetic pleas until much later, when I said goodbye to your accounts once and for all.

I have always loved with all of my heart, holding nothing back. I have given everything I have to finding my own love and my own life. I have given everything to be here, with everything that I have, doing what I'm doing.

I hate you and I hate everything that I had been through. I didn't deserve all that. Even if I was single, I still wouldn't be looking at your crap. Goodbye asshole. I won't be thinking of you anymore.
 
 
 
30 June 2015 @ 08:48 pm
I loved talking to you many years ago and you seemed like such an awesome friend. I remember once you referred to me as "1/3 of the people you cared about"... Then you were gone. I waited, time passed, I peered into the virtual void hoping to hear from you. Years went by, I worried, I wondered: "Is he still alive? How could he leave a third of his life and not even say goodbye?" I searched your posts, I thought maybe I figured out what state you lived in. I couldn't fond you in the prison database or the obituaries. I gave up. In my mind I stood at the cemetery in the rain, I laid a red rose on your casket, and in my sadness I quietly walked away. I missed you so much. I was so sad to lose you. Then, out of no where you just appeared! "Hey Scott, remember me?" My God! I was so happy to hear from you. We exchanged a few emails, everything was great! I was so happy! Then,.. you were gone. It's been six months. I'm just stunned... What happened? Did I do something wrong? Did I say something to upset or offend you? Did I come-on too strongly? I was sure that you were dead and your return really confused me. Why did you abandon me all those years ago? And then again? I wish we could just talk again. It hurts to keep losing you. And throughout all the worry and all the pain and sadness I still love you my friend and I miss you terribly. Love you bro. Please write me sometime. I miss you so much and I need a friend now more than ever.
 
 
Mood: sadsad
 
 
 
29 June 2015 @ 01:41 am
At first I thought that it was just a crush, but it grew. It grew into a fantasy, then into jealousy, and a chameleon of other things, but in its final metamorphoses, it grew into love. I will honestly say that during this time, I did have feelings for someone else. I thought I couldn't have you, I though I shouldn't have wanted to have you, and I regret everything. You are my first love. I am going to be honest and say I was indeed jealous that I was not your first. That's what I get for coming two years late. It was not love at first sight, but in a way it was like Romeo and Juliet. It was Tragedy. A stupid hilarious tragedy. It was also a forbidden love, which is why the comparison works. I'm sorry that I couldn't be there for you, I tried. I'm sorry your parents aren't accepting of who you are. I'm sorry that You have to go threw the things they make you do. If I had all the power in the world I would grab them by their huge egos, sit their asses down on a chair, and actually educate them. I would educate the fuck out of them. And maybe slap them, because shame on them for assuming that I would take advantage of you! I will make you my king if I had the power. Or Queen, or non-binary ruler, whatever you're feeling that day. I will buy you pretty dresses or striking suits. I will give you a single rose, or a sword. I would give you everything, because I love you. So much.

From your fellow poet,
Ashley.
 
 
Mood: Wistful
 
 
 
24 June 2015 @ 01:58 pm
Dear Gabriel,

I can still remember the feeling you gave me whenever I knew I would see you. I got this feeling of excitement and butterflies in my stomach. I miss that feeling. I recall the day when I confessed my feelings for you. I told our friend that I needed to speak to him in private. When he asked what was wrong, I pointed over to you, where you were headed out the cafeteria door. That's when he knew that I liked you. He was saying "This is too good to be true." I was confused. Then he told me that you liked me too. I was absolutely stunned. This was one of the first times I had dealt with romance. Later on, I told you that I felt the same. I went home that day and was so excited to tell the news to everyone.
We never officially started dating. If there's one thing I regret: Pushing you away. I push everyone away. I just didn't want to get hurt. I'm sorry for hurting you.
But I just can't help myself from falling in love with you over and over again.

Sincerely, Your past love.
 
 
Mood: depresseddepressed
 
 
 
Hundreds came out of the Closet during the Lisbon Pride Parade!

Here is the video:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QNnJY32Hs5o

Love is too beautiful to be inside a closet.
Lorenzo and Pedro
 
 
 
21 June 2015 @ 02:24 am
dear you,

just fuckin talk to me already - i'm going crazy. i don't even care if i have to apologize for something that wasn't even my fault. i don't even care if you took something i said the wrong way. just... this is not a way to treat a friend. we've been through a lot together, we've been there for each other, and now you haven't talked to me for fuckin 5 days because of something we talked about drunk at 3 in the morning. i just don't see why it has to be this way.

let's try to handle this like adults and actually talking about it. cutting me out because of a comment i made about *someone else* being successful in their job doesn't make sense when i thought the foundation of our friendship was so much stronger than this.

this isn't fair. can you please make things right and actually keep me in the loop? one night shouldn't undo a friendship.
--me
 
 
 
17 June 2015 @ 02:35 pm

Dear Rory,

Should I even acknowledge the fact that you're my father? It doesn't feel like I have one of those at this point. You do me so wrong, then accuse me of being wrong. I pull away to keep from being hurt by the man thats suppose to be my greatest protector. You always claim you did it all right. But, I know youre lying. I remember those days when it was supposed to be our weekend. Instead you'd drop me off somewhere Friday, and come back to get me Sunday night when it was time to go back home to my mom. I remember those. They happened often. I barely even knew who you were but I still loved you to death because you were my father. As I got older you got more selfish. You stopped paying child support and let me and mom struggle. You didnt make sure I was okay when I needed you to. You only cared when you got sick and thought you were gonna die. Now that Im older and you have two more kids, you want to be a dad. But I'm 19. So for 19 years you werent my dad, then all of a sudden you expect me to follow your every order? It doesn't work that way. I'm grown up, I'm in college and I'm working on being all that I can be. It's to late for you to START trying to be a dad. But instead admitting you're wrong, you continue to say I'm selfish. I only think of myself. Well, you're right. Because before now all I could think about was making you proud. And it never seemed to work. So, I'm gonna be selfish and do what make me happy.

Not so sincerely,
Your daughter

P.S. instead of trying to force me to be your child, because Im not a child, how about you be a better father to the two kids in your home now than you've ever been to me. Maybe then, Ill forgive you.

 
 
 
09 June 2015 @ 08:31 pm
Dear you (me),

Is this me taking back my life?
Is that what is happening to me?
I have no idea what I am doing or where this is all going to take me. I am so afraid that I am making the wrong choice again. I really do want it to all work. Is this the real deal? Is what is being said being meant and true?
There are so many more questions that I have and don't have the answers to.
If I do this then I lose everyone that is close to me. They probably will never talk to me again.
If I don't do this then I will never know and I will feel like I have made the wrong choice. I'm sure I will be beating myself up inside for not trying.

" This is my fight song, take back my life song, prove i'm alright song, my powers turned on, starting right now I'll be strong, I'll play my fight song, and I don't really care if nobody else believes, cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me"

Sincerely Me (you)
 
 
Location: couch
Mood: lonelylonely
Music: Fight Song ~ Rachel Platten
 
 
 
05 June 2015 @ 01:58 pm

   Your chin tilts slightly upward as you look around the swaying room. Your fingers around my hips inch around my body, pulling me closer to you. My elbows rest on your shoulders and my arms extend behind. I thought I was lost in a dream, though your grasp kept me conscious. The music that surrounded us faded away into darkness. My eyes shut tight. My arms wrapped around your entire being of flesh and unspoken words. We cried on the inside. God forbid they see that we are human. . .

Your voice was soft and daring. I wanted our lips to seal the promise of abandonment but there was no way my heart would allow such happiness. Can you please tell me why you care. Why do you say those words that make me stay alive? I know that you will change one day, but why can’t I keep you from doing so? I want you forever. I want these teenage memories to end with a fairytale ending. I don’t want heartbreak to be the last page of our story. Can you please listen. I say time and time again that I love them. Though, I’ve never said these words to you. I’m scared that I don’t. . . I’m scared that a little girl is unable to learn what love is. This feeling I have isn’t just another impurity of my desire. I wish nothing of this. I have a promise I must keep, and you do not seem to mind. Love, tell me, why do you trick the hopeless and reward the lucky? Boy of secrets, why do you not leave?
 
 
 
30 May 2015 @ 10:54 am
Dear Grandparents (maternal and paternal),

Maw-Maw and Paw-Paw (paternal grandparents), you have taught me so much about life and respecting one another. Paw-Paw, you taught me to respect and love the ocean. You would take me fishing and if I caught a female or a young fish, you would admire it and let me admire it for a second or two, and then you would make me return it to its natural habitat and thus you taught me about ocean sustainability. Maw-Maw, you taught me all about art and helped me become a great and talented artist. And you were very patient with me along the way. You also taught me that only my opinions about me matter-not everyone else's. You also taught me about self-esteem. I'd go on, but I have my other grandparents to honor.

Grammy and Pop-Pop (maternal grandparents), you taught me respect for the Earth and for others and also taught be about Wicca and Paganism. Grammy, you taught me about each individual plant and flower and how to care for them properly and to show respect to them. You also taught me to listen, look, and identify each and every individual bird and animal. You also taught me about Wicca and working with Mother Earth in different Spells. You also taught me about cooking and baking and even taught me how to cook and bake. Pop-Pop, you also taught me some gardening skills. And you taught me about religious tolerance and to respect everyone no matter what their religion is. You also taught me to help out whenever I am needed and to be grateful for it. You and Grammy are the ones who introduced me to and taught me about Wicca and Paganism and taught me to follow my own path. I'd go on, but I have to end this.

I love and miss all of you.

Sincerely,

Your loving granddaughter.
 
 
Mood: nostalgicnostalgic
Music: None
 
 
 
29 May 2015 @ 12:14 am
Dear you,

I know you love me. But still I doubt it when you're always hiding the truth about your personal life. I love you. I really do. So please change that attitude. I can't say it on text or even in call 'cause I know you'll just ignore it and change the topic. We only meet once a year. How sad isn't it? But though in front of you I can't say it too 'cause I don't have the courage to do it. I'm scared what will happen next. Maybe I just wait you to change. And if not, I'll make my move.


Your love,

momo