It is almost your 12th birthday. Me and daddy think of you every single day! We often dream of what you would be like. Would you have had my eyes? Would you have more of me or dads personalty? I secretly hope you are more like me. You would be half way through middle school this year. Your tree is beautiful, it has lots of flowers starting to bloom. This year me and dad are going to plant another tree in your memory. I hope you love it! There is so much we missed my dearest son. I never got to hold you or kiss you or see your beautiful face. Mommy knows you are watching over her and daddy every day. I know one day you will send me a very special baby hand picked by you. It is always rough for us on your birthday. This year we are taking a vacation to Niagara Falls. If only you were here to enjoy it with us but I know you will be watching over us. You will be there in our hearts like always. My heart aches for you every day Christian. I am not sure how I have managed without you for twelve long years. I just hold on to the memories I do have of you. I remember the day I found out I was pregnant. I was so excited and so was the rest of your family. I loved you the second I got to see your little body on the monitor. I got to hear your strong heart beat. We went straight to grandmas house to tell her she was going to be a grandma. She was excited and scared at the same time. I was so sick I thought I was going to die. You would never let me keep anything down for long. The day came when we got to go to the doctor to find out if you were a boy or a girl. Me and dad had a bet going. He thought you were a girl but I knew you were a boy. It would only be a few days later that you had stopped moving. We called the doctors because I was afraid something happened to you. You were so active all the time so when I woke up the next morning to blood I knew something was wrong. Me, daddy and grandma all went to the doctor and they confirmed you had been dead for a few days. Your little heart stopped beating. They told me I would need surgery to have you removed from my tummy. We were all so sad and scared. I didn't know what to expect but the OB was so nice he explained to me that I would go check into the hospital then they would prep me for surgery so they could cut you out of me. Mommy had never felt so alone in her whole life. I was only 16 and I was scared. You were my hopes and dreams and my future. What was I going to do without you in my life. They checked me in and got all the IVs and other things started they gave me some medicine to calm down and they tried to give me an epidural but it wouldn't take. They told me they were going to have to put me to sleep and that no one was allowed in the operating room. I remember when I woke up I just wanted to see you. I wanted to hold you, to kiss you. I wanted to see you to know you were real not just a thought or a feeling I had. I needed you. The doctor came in and explained to me that I had hemorrhaged during the c section and they had to cut you out in pieces. It was the most horrifying news I have ever received. I would never get to see you, hold you, kiss you. Dad was beside my side the whole time. He was very upset. They didn't give him the option to see you either. He was very angry with the doctor but he had to save my life. I was angry at the time but I know now why they had to do what they did. I will always dream of you my sweet baby boy. Not a day goes by that I don't think of you. Daddy thinks of his baby boy every day too. I know one day you will send me a baby hand picked by you. I have been waiting patiently my son. I know you are waiting for the perfect one. I love you and I know one day when I get to heaven I will finally get to hold you and kiss you. In the mean time you are alive in me and daddy's hearts. We love you our dearest Christian Foster Friedel. I miss you baby and I always know you are here with me. Mommy loves you and until we meet again my son.
Your Loving Mommy and Daddy