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19 July 2016 @ 01:32 am
Hello everyone!

It's time for a new writing prompt. Before I post one, just a reminder that if you need anything, please leave a comment on this post. Comments are screened and either chendamoni or I will respond as soon as possible.

In addition, please remember the formatting rules for all entries posted. This is a community for unsent letters - please have all posts formatted as "Dear {x},". Your letters should be written with the assumption that the recipient will not read them.

For the July writing exercise if you're seeking inspiration:
Write a letter about something that seemed unimportant in the past but ended up being important to you now. Maybe it's something that affected another person, maybe it's something that only affected yourself.

There will be a new writing prompt in about 30 days and any suggestions you have are welcome. Feel free to leave a comment below with an idea.

Happy writing!
--me
 
 
28 August 2016 @ 06:41 pm
Dear You,

Well, it is that time again--large NGA Cycle is here, which means I should be seeing you at FC again this weekend. I haven't really seen you for two months--once or twice very briefly. The last time I was at the FC, you called me beautiful in front of several of our co-workers. You flirt with everyone, so part of me is trying to brush the comment out of my mind. But part of me wonders if you really meant it....

Part of me wishes you and I weren't so cautious. You know I recently became single, and we both want to hang out, but we have not done so yet. Your carefulness is something I deeply admire. I can only wonder what you are going to do this time to set my soul on fire....
 
 
Mood: hopefulhopeful
 
 
27 August 2016 @ 12:39 am
Happy One Year Anniversay.

Or, well, it would have been, if you hadn't gone and thrown 11 months down the drain on the whims of a bad day.
Eleven months, gone in a blink. I think back to that call every night- I had known something was wrong all day, it isn't you to just reply 'yeah' or 'k.' I had expected that you'd had a shit day at work, had gotten in trouble with the higher ups or maybe something had happened to a member of your family, maybe that benign tumor on your nephew's leg wasn't as benign as previously thought.

I never suspected I'd get on Facetime with you and watch you shake and avoid my eyes for five minutes without saying a word, my concern and trepidation rising in parallel. I knew exactly what was going to happen when you said, "There's no easy way to do this..." and then sat in a sullen silence for two minutes. But you did the unforgivable- you made the breakup unwarrantedly personal.

The words "It's hard to be in a relationship with you." crash around my skull whenever there's a quiet moment. But I will not apologize for being disabled and in love with you, and I will not apologize for trying to be a normal college student. I will not apologize for how much time my internship took up- something that you knew brought me joy. I will not apologize for all the phone calls I could not answer. Just like you never apologized for your crazy schedule- I never expected one, because you had more commitment to the military than me and I accepted it. It should have been enough.

I feel like why you really broke up with was because I had to schedule a surgery the week I was supposed to go and visit you- the first time we'd have seen each other in a year. I apologized profusely, cried when they told me. I feel like you were trying to punish me.

I hung up on you. The silence after what you said deafening.

When you asked to Facetime the next day, after I had hyperventilated myself to sleep yesterday, I screamed so loudly in to my pillow that my brother came running, ready to fight whatever was hurting me.

You can't fight something that's not tangible though. I know, I've tried.

I acquiesced, though, because I may really be a masochist, and you gave me the word-for-word apology I knew you would. "Can we get back together?" you asked, and I nearly threw my phone into my closet. Everything I thought I would say became ashes. I accepted your apology, said I needed time to think, that I'd let you know when I was ready to talk, and hung up on you.

You insist on a repeat of this episode nearly four days later, and I once again agree to the game of emotional ping pong, because I have never been able to say no to you. I accept your apology once again, and tell you I still need more time to think.

You have never been patient, however, and texted me five days later, "hey not trying to be pushy but im ready to talk when u are." I got drunk for the first time that night, let another man touch me in ways that only you had (this had been decided and consented to by both parties well before the alcohol was consumed, it should be noted).

The next day I texted you that we should just be friends, like we were before we even started dating (and, god, I think that's why this hurts so bad, because you weren't just my boyfriend but my best friend). I said I didn't have the emotional fortitude to say it to your face in facetime, but part of me felt that you did not deserve that respect, and part of me felt that you seeing the hickies on my neck (I look like I had been strangled) would only cause more problems.

I got two whole weeks of radio silence. Even though it was what I wanted, I was still crying myself to sleep every night. And then you started texting me again, which hurt worse than your silence. Every text message was like you were tearing the stitches off the knife wound you gave me in my back.

Yesterday, I had to tell you to leave me alone for a long time. When I sent you that text, the one asking for extended radio silence, all I could think was, 'you wanted this and you're going to get it.'

I wish you would have tried to talk to me before taking such a drastic action. I had noticed a few things were not going so right in our relationship, too, that the boat we were on had a few leaks, but you and your actions sunk it before we even tried to patch things up. I would have been happy to do so; but you're the one who wanted this.

Happy One Year Anniversary, my love!
Happy
Nonniversary

love, maybe, still

The Girl who would have happily been yours if all you would have done was stay
 
 
25 August 2016 @ 10:36 pm
I always called you David, from the first moment you told me your name. You were never Dave to me. Always David. I don't know why exactly.

When we first started talking, I felt like I had known you my entire life. Maybe even in a previous life. We would talk in sync. We would notice the same things. I think when it was all said and done, there were maybe 3 things we didn't agree on. Your predilection for Coke over Pepsi bothered me. :P

I felt like you were my grand adventure. You were everything I ever wanted. And you had done everything I ever wanted to, and said you would take me along for the ride, but I never got to go on that particular ride. The ride you chose to show me was that I loved you, and you loved me, and something made you run away from that.

Our short, but intense, time together, I was happier than I had ever felt. Kissing you or being in your arms I felt like all of those little puzzle pieces that didn't fit anywhere else found their place. You told me things that hurt you to tell. You told me things fearing I would start to see the worse in you, and were surprised when I accepted it. I accepted it. I accepted your dark, and your light.

Last Thursday when you called me to cancel our weekend together, I knew. And when you started crying, I broke. You told me you couldn't share me. That you were too selfish to love me. That the distance was too much. Which was it?

When we first started talking, you knew I was married. You knew I was polyamorous, and you had no problem with it.
When you first told me you loved me, you weren't selfish. You choked and kissed me and said the words.
When you said the distance was too much, you knew I was willing to move, and so were you.
So I still accept none of those.

I loved you enough that I was willing to turn my life upside down. I was going to transfer colleges, move into a different state, whatever it took. You gave me a ring you had since childhood and memories that torment me more than they make me smile. I know that will pass. I know at some point I'll accept that there was something you didn't want, but for now, for now I hurt, and it is your fault.

And I will admit I'm angry. I'm angry at you for putting all of the potential of us in my mind and then just taking it away.

I'm angry, yet I will always love you.

</3
 
 
Mood: angryangry
 
 
19 August 2016 @ 01:15 pm

Dear you,

It was great seeing you again. I think it's been a little less than a year the last time I saw you. I am so happy that you have a new classroom and such. It looks amazing! I am definitely jealous but happy that kids have it better than we did. And 2 more art teachers for the school now? It's nice to see that art has become more important for the school. I wish we had that. Maybe I'd be a better artist by now haha. I always kinda wish I took more art classes than art history and appreciation in college so I could have actually learned the right way of doing things. I'm pretty much teaching myself and just guessing most of the time. A lot of trial and error. But I enjoy it. I didn't really get back into art until you made me feel better about my creativity. My art teacher in middle school turned me down for art club because I wasn't good enough so that kinda made me not really try anymore. I took your class mostly because I didn't really wanna take any other electives and was hoping you'd be a much better art teacher than my middle school art teacher. And you were. I didn't learn how to draw better from you but I learned screen printing and that ended up to me pursuing it as a career. I love printing an am so thankful for you not only for making me realize my middle school teacher was a bitch but for introducing me to something I love and am good at. I no longer work as a printer but I wouldn't be confident enough to work for  myself if you hadn't put it in my head that I am still talented. For now, I am just doing painting and crafts but one of my friend's dad is giving me a bunch of screen printing stuff including a press and drying unit. So, I'll be able to do my own printing soon. I am so thankful for you. You said we made your day when we came up to see you yesterday but I don't think you realize how you have made my life haha. Thank you. And thank you for the random clothes you always give me like your mother's dresses or sister's jacket. I find it funny that I am always leaving your classroom with some sort of article of clothing. Next time I will bring you something. And now that I know you live in Park Circle it will be easier for us to all grab a beer together like Jimmy suggested. See you soon and take care! I love ya!

Sincerely,
Me

 
 
 
12 August 2016 @ 01:04 pm
Dear stranger,

You are probably not a stranger but in fact a dear friend, ex lover, or family member. Whomever you are; thank you for the bouquet of orange lilies and marigolds(both favorites of mine). They brightened even the darkest day having been delivered to my work anonymously. That is the frustrating part...who are you!? I would love to know who sent these beautiful flowers to this girl. She was very sad and very broken for a while and it had to be someone who knew. Someone who wanted to make me feel better and to feel loved but the mystery has me full of question.

I sure hope that they reveal themselves to me soon so I can say thank you...maybe they will continue haunting me as a story never told...who can ever be sure.

Sincerely,
That girl with the broken wing...it's healing more every day.
 
 
Mood: puzzled
Music: nap time instrumental
 
 
11 August 2016 @ 09:37 am
Dear friend,

I know your personality. I know you are not an easy person to get along with. You have a negative attitude, and complain about how miserable your life is most of the time. But still, I know you don't have bad intentions and you appreciate your friends. I also think you are a funny guy when you are in a good mood. I know that, despite of not having a fancy education you try to keep up with what's happening in the world, you read frequently, so I wouldn't consider you an ignorant person. That's why I am your friend and talk to you sometimes.

But there is one thing that always makes me grind my teeth. And that is, when you give opinions about what I do.
Eventhough you try to learn about many things, you keep a narrow mind. You think you have the right answers and that you know what's right and how things should be. I don't know if it's just with me, but it seems that you always want me to act, think, and be as you want me to be, as you think it's the best.

When I showed you my paintings, you said you didn't like them, that they were weird and that nobody could understand them, and that I should paint portraits or landscapes, because those are beautiful and people can understand them. Then I just tried to explain you why I paint the way I do... but you just didn't change your mind. That just made me think you are an ignorant about art. You should read about THAT.

I dyed my hair blue since February, I told you in a chat and you even saw my fb profile pic with blue hair. We hadn't seen each other since December, until this week. And then, you just HAD TO critizice my hair. You said in a chat "is it better?" I didn't understood your question, until you said that it looked dusty, that it is not as you imagined it would be and that you didn't like it, that it could look better...

HOW COULD YOU?

I just told you that it looks like I want it to look like. I like it. And that you are VERY LUCKY then that it's me, and NOT YOU the one who has to walk through the streets with the hair like that.

It annoyed me. Not that you didn't like it. But that you ALWAYS judge what I do, and you expect me to do and act as you think it's right. Some other day, I would feel sad. But, fortunately, that day I didn't had my spirits down, so you didn't hurt me. Instead, you inspired me. Yes, you did.

I took my phone, opened an app... and sketched.

I made a wallpaper for my phone, so I can always remember the words that came to my mind when you judged me:

... AT LEAST I'M THE ONE WHO DARED


I appreciate you. You have many qualities as a person. But don't EVER judge me and try to change me. I am not you. I am not here to please you.

Don't mess with my hair.

Don't mess with any lady's hair.


Your smurfy-haired friend,
SunnyRei82
 
 
10 August 2016 @ 02:29 am
My friend, you are dying. You just don't know it yet, and I can't find the words to tell you.

The day you came out to me as trans, I was so happy for you. I thought you were being reborn. But what has followed has been an out-of-control downward spiral that can only end in your inevitable and sad demise.

When she left, I thought it was just the changes you were going through. I thought she just couldn't handle it. You started to explore yourself, your life - dating new people, coming out as poly, seeing the world. It was understandable. You'd been trapped in the box of societal expectations your whole life and now was the time to explore.

Then you quit your job. You said they weren't accepting enough. You got another one, though, at a really open-minded and respectable company, so it was cool. Except it wasn't. You barely showed up. You were more interested in dating than trying to pay the bills. You'd have panic attacks about your financial situation while the warning signs were blaring all around you. You got a bad performance review. It should have been a wake-up call. You didn't seem to care even while you were freaking out. It was all about your social life and your damn selfies, 50 times a day. In the end, you got fired.

You made little effort to find employment, and let your home go into foreclosure all the while complaining about misogyny and transphobia. You decided to move out of the area and go to a more "trans-friendly" state. Except it wasn't really about that, but about going to a state where weed was legal. You were always high or talking about getting high.

You took a shitty apartment in a city with a bad reputation not only for crime but for conservative elements. You begged for money, saying you didn't feel safe, that you were being threatened. I gave you money because I was scared you might get hurt. Others gave large amounts - enough for you to make changes, but we never heard anything about what you actually did with the cash. Your Facebook posts continued to be about dating and mating and selfies and weed, different people falling in and out of open relationships with you. The panic attacks got worse. You went on and off your meds constantly, missing doctor's appointments because you just couldn't be organized. Meanwhile you went on Facebook and bashed my identity group for using a term you consider outdated. You consistently pick fights on the Internet for no good reason, picking out groups you know don't like you just so you can have someone to bash while you flirt with anyone who will give you attention. It's like you want people to hate you.

You're still not employed. The landlord is sending collection agents after you. Soon, you're going to be homeless. I can't help you any more. I can't be the friend that props up your unsustainable life.

I don't follow societal norms either, but hedonism has limits. Eventually, you need to provide for those you care about, and take care of yourself instead of self-medicating with the chemical highs of romance and drugs. I've been depressed. I have panic disorder. I'm not cis. I'm not straight. None of this has stopped me from being responsible when it's needed to survive. I've taken shit jobs beneath my intelligence to get by and had panic attacks at work. I get it. You could come to me and talk about it, but I know you've branded me a "normie" and barely consider me a friend. The only people you consider friends are those who prop up your suicide run.

I don't want you to die. If I knew how to save you I would. I know that if I was to say anything like this letter to you, you would brand me transphobic and block me, and that would break my heart. I hate watching you do this to yourself. It's the longest, slowest, most painful suicide I've ever witnessed.

I already lost a friend to suicide in the very same city you're living in now. I don't want to do this again. I'm angry that I'm back here, in this place, watching somebody self-destruct and being completely powerless to stop it.
 
 
10 August 2016 @ 12:40 am
It's been 20 weeks. Not a day goes by that I don't think about you or sadly dream about you. I finally figured out last week that it was another woman, and not whatever vague excuses you gave me for ending the eight years we had together. At least you didn't deny it. You tell me that you have been so miserable. Maybe the past 20 weeks haven't been much different for you as they have been for me? All your grand ideas of quiting your job, going into business for yoursef, starting over with a new girlfriend. Now you are broke and unhappy. I wonder if she will stick with you like I did. I bought your groceries when you were unemployed. I slept in tent with you when you were homeless. I held you up when you were too drunk to find the bathroom. I was the one by your side during some of the roughest years of your life. And once you sobered up, got a job and had some money in your pocket... you also replaced me. Only to find it all slipping through your fingers.
I want to walk away from you and never think of you again. To relegate you to a chapter of my life that falls into the past. I only wish my heart would obey. I close my eyes to sleep and I cry. Driving to work a song comes on and I'm weeping. Rooting through the closet for some cold medicine I found the handkerchief you gave my son and I'm laying on the bathroom floor weeping. I dream about you. That is when I'm lucky enough to find sleep anymore. You used to envy how quickly I fell asleep when we were together. Now I lay in bed for hours awake and after 3 or 4 hours of sleep I'm awake doing it all over again. Nothing to envy any more. I refuse to torture myself with thoughts of the two of you together. You keep telling me that you made a mistake and you wish you could erase the past fiv months, yet you are still with her, so it must not be all that bad,
I pray to God all the time. The days are nothing but torment and sadness for me. I ask God to let me go. I don't care how. Car accident, heart attack, even stabbed in a dark alley. Anything. I just wish it would end.
But then again... it's only been 20 weeks. How long does it take to get over losing your soul mate? You love poker, and yesterday a thought popped into my head that was fitting. "The dealer turned over a queen on the river. In an instant I lost my soul mate, my best friend, my lover and my future."
Darryl... if you are happy with her, please leave me alone. I am raw and hurt and your words only make things worse. If you are unhappy with her, then get the hell out of that relationship and figure out what it is that you want. If it's not me, I'm sure you will find love. You are young and handsome and so charismatic. You have a huge heart and so much to offer. If she isn't the one, and I'm not the one... don't settle. Get out and get yourself together. Either way... I wish you luck. My head says goodbye. My heart says I love you.
 
 
06 August 2016 @ 03:35 am
On Cravings:
We seem to have a tendency in our collective unconscious habits and conditioning to strike at the symptoms of a diease with the very underbelly mentality that causes diseases in the first place by attempting a grandiose rectification in the name of 'a cure' but im actuality it is just a larger bandaid to cover up the root origins of our cravings or the very nature of a craving itself for that matter. Why we have them and how do they function along with what can be revealed to us about ourselves when looking into the pits and dark corners of our unexamined aspects of our psyche. When we are presented with a glamourious and/or provocative image of something with desirability that appeals to our untapped senses we initially begin to see it as abstract or exotic because it feels for very foreign and exciting in comparison to our every day experience. So we chase after this image, attempt to grasp it and even wear it on our faces as our 'newly' found sense of self that has a flamboyantly mogul appeal to it but what is the origin of this chasing after an image or craving for excitement? What is it exactly that urges is to run after what is seemingly in some far off land of unreachable depths? This is a function of desire that resides in our shadow of those parts of ourselves we choose not to claim or look at and therefore reject; then in that rejection they become our personal monsters inflated by our own lack of recognition, acknowledgement, and sharp examining of them. The symptoms of the split or half-present psyche can be found in the way we express sexually, our eating habits, social interaction, family systems, and many other areas of life where we have to relate to oursleves visa via the world and all of its Divserities of perspectives. The world stage displays our inability to look within oursleves for the perpetrator and because of that instead we fabcraite stories of disempowerment represented in who we elect as our world leaders to represent us but in reality what they reveal to us is our own unconscious. We have an entire pharmaceutical cooperation built on maintaining 'sickness' by treating symptoms outwardly instead of attending to dressing the wounds in one's Interal world; now of course this is metaphorically and spiritually speaking as there are obvious cases in which wellness within Phyiscality is also very fundamental. What I am speaking on is our root causes for craving the sensational outside of oursleves for validation or rather confirmation that there is some sort of 'higher meaning' other than the ordinariness of our lives as human beings but we are merely conditioned in the ways of our thinking which narrows our vision to seeing the totality what it is to be human being. Therefore we begin to develop this unconscious craving from adolescent stages and into adulthood without taking the proper steps in between to establish our inner foundation by confronting our collective patterns that play put in our personal lives arcetypally. To summarize the multi-layered point being penetrated in this post with a clear and comprehensible statement; the origin of craving stems from self-adanoment and this is the creation of 'the seeker'.
 
 
 
05 August 2016 @ 09:00 pm
We seem to have a tendency in our collective unconscious habits and conditioning to strike at the symptoms of a diease with the very underbelly mentality that causes diseases in the first place by attempting a grandiose rectification in the name of 'a cure' but im actuality it is just a larger bandaid to cover up the root origins of our cravings or the very nature of a craving itself for that matter. Why we have them and how do they function along with what can be revealed to us about ourselves when looking into the pits and dark corners of our unexamined aspects of our psyche. When we are presented with a glamourious and/or provocative image of something with desirability that appeals to our untapped senses we initially begin to see it as abstract or exotic because it feels for very foreign and exciting in comparison to our every day experience. So we chase after this image, attempt to grasp it and even wear it on our faces as our 'newly' found sense of self that has a flamboyantly mogul appeal to it but what is the origin of this chasing after an image or craving for excitement? What is it exactly that urges is to run after what is seemingly in some far off land of unreachable depths? This is a function of desire that resides in our shadow of those parts of ourselves we choose not to claim or look at and therefore reject; then in that rejection they become our personal monsters inflated by our own lack of recognition, acknowledgement, and sharp examining of them. The symptoms of the split or half-present psyche can be found in the way we express sexually, our eating habits, social interaction, family systems, and many other areas of life where we have to relate to oursleves visa via the world and all of its Divserities of perspectives. The world stage displays our inability to look within oursleves for the perpetrator and because of that instead we fabcraite stories of disempowerment represented in who we elect as our world leaders to represent us but in reality what they reveal to us is our own unconscious. We have an entire pharmaceutical cooperation built on maintaining 'sickness' by treating symptoms outwardly instead of attending to dressing the wounds in one's Interal world; now of course this is metaphorically and spiritually speaking as there are obvious cases in which wellness within Phyiscality is also very fundamental. What I am speaking on is our root causes for craving the sensational outside of oursleves for validation or rather confirmation that there is some sort of 'higher meaning' other than the ordinariness of our lives as human beings but we are merely conditioned in the ways of our thinking which narrows our vision to seeing the totality what it is to be human being. Therefore we begin to develop this unconscious craving from adolescent stages and into adulthood without taking the proper steps in between to establish our inner foundation by confronting our collective patterns that play put in our personal lives arcetypally. To summarize the multi-layered point being penetrated in this post with a clear and comprehensible statement; the origin of craving stems from self-adanoment and this is the creation of 'the seeker'.
 
 
02 August 2016 @ 08:33 pm
Dear... wait, why do I call you of all people "dear"?

Mom:

It's been YEARS since the last time I gave a shit about what you think of me. I know you hate me. You said so to my face, in case you don't remember (oh, I think I will never forget it... thanks for giving me such nice childhood memories, mom). I try not to hate you because that would be giving you too much importance, and making you feel important is the last thing I'd want.

You say "God is watching everything I do." Guess what? He also watches what YOU do (that's how it works, isn't it? Or does it only work to your advantage?). And if he's pleased with you, well, all the more reason why I shouldn't like him.

Don't worry, I'll make sure that you don't have to deal with me for much longer.

Hope that you can find some peace once I leave.

-H
 
 
30 July 2016 @ 03:02 am
On Tantra:
There has to be a continuously gradual refinement of a sharp eye and emotional maturity to differentiate between a great impersonation of true 'healing' that is merely a pseudo-hedonism based engagement purely about the image of 'extravagance' and the hurried pace of self-indulgent gratification yet in actuality is depleting; In contrast to the actual purity, sanctity, and sacredness that is the True Entering of The Temple which is both personal & transpersonal within its potency, it's delicacy, it's intensity, and it's feral humanness. Some go through different experiences in the maturation process to reach a point where this discernment can be made but not everyone will walk 'the clean cut' path without any mishaps or firstly tasting what the impersonators has to offer; this path may sometimes require from us to have drunkness on our tongue so that we may appreciate the wonders of sobriety and its fullness absent of the 'need for intoxication'.
 
 
28 July 2016 @ 10:07 pm
Dear you

I love that you're exposing yourself all on your own. The more you talk, the more evident it is that you're a nutcase. He's not buying it.
You were given a chance to slightly redeem yourself, and you bit his hand. Hope you're enjoying therapy. You really need it.
 
 
27 July 2016 @ 04:00 pm
Dear You,

I can't believe you actually ask me what I’m thinking. I think that’s kind of sad...I adore that you have the decency to ask what’s on my mind and to check up on my sanity even if it’s only out of common courtesy, but the fact that I am so attracted to that because I get so little of it says a lot about my life as is.

As I walked away the first thing that popped into my head was if love can become materialistic. A part of me was telling me that it was impossible and that sometimes there really is a black and white, binary, straight to the point answer; and that answer is no. One could argue that what I feel is infatuation or admiration and thankfulness. I know I appreciate the character you behold and I enjoy the conversations, the intimacy, the silences, the sleep, and time that I’ve spent here, but I feel like I took advantage of it too much. That in finding a fulfillment in this presence, I’ve found a part of myself that yearns for more than you offered and that the part of me that doesn’t want to keep in the boundaries is becoming selfish.
I feel this ugliness inside me because I can’t think of good thoughts and I don’t know what to do.

I have this constant itch and desire to say that I love you and inside it’s pulling me and sealing my lips from doing the very thing I’m trying to do. I just want to open up, I want these barriers and walls to break down. I want you to see me. I want you so bad, but this part of me isn’t letting that happen and it’s not fair to you because maybe you wanted it too. It’s also not fair because I have to think about putting you first and to remind myself that I train to have a good heart, instead of already having one. One day I'm going to look back and I pray that I'll know exactly what was right.

Warmest Regards,

Mac

P.S.
I'm a pro.
 
 
 
Monday, 3 a.m.

Dear You,

I told you last that I was swearing off writing about you, and I've been telling myself that's true because what I'm NOT going to do is to rehash every moment of every mistake I made. But the truth is that despite the passage of these years, you are still a part of me. Trying to ignore that fact is like trying to deny my own humanity. I cannot let you go, no matter how much part ofme  tries.

I'm a wad of contradictions, I know. But aren't we all basically the sum of our experiences? If I could surgically remove your memory from my life, wouldn't that require the loss of so much of who I am now? I can't remove you without removing me as well. And despite the pain that is also part of that is the recognition of who I am now is due in no small part to who you are, and who you were in my life. I made you despise me, you were hurt and you lashed out, and all I can do is ocassionally drown myself in my regrets. I cannot undo the past; learn from it, yes, but without you it means so little. I find myself still searching for meaning -- the same meaning in life that I felt when you and I were together. I've accepted that it can never be that way again, but my soul clings to the irrational hope that some how, some way, it can happen.

Sometimes I wonder if part of me would die if I gave up that hope. I've wanted it to -- just to excise you from my life, to end the shame, the regret. I always choose not to in the end. You entered my life and I fucked it up. You deserved better, I agree. Part of me still -- even years later -- can never forgive myself.

And so it goes ...
 
 
15 July 2016 @ 05:49 pm
It was so good to see everyone at the TFC over the weekend at work. I have really missed seeing your face in particular. :) And reporting to TFC for my last 4 hrs of work was another nice bonus chance to see you. I love your little flirtations. And I have missed them a lot. I know you are on vacation this coming week. I don't know what your plans are--but hopefully, you have a great time. :) I won't lie, I am kinda hoping you get in touch and we hang out. It probably won't happen, but if it did, it would make me extremely happy.
 
 
15 July 2016 @ 01:33 pm

Dear you,

I don't know why you felt we were in competition. I wanted to be your friend. But you did some terrible things and I didn't want to be friends with someone who enjoyed hurting others to feel better about themselves. I never wanted to take anything from you and still don't. Especially friends. Because this ISN'T a competition. I am not better than you and I never saw myself that way towards anyone. I never hated you and I still don't hate you. I respected you until you disrespected the ones I love. I cared about you until you showed you cared more about yourself than others. And I admired you until you showed me how mean and immature you can actually be. My point in all of this is that you blame everything on me and try to act like we have been competing this whole time but you fail to acknowledge why I stopped being your friend and that it was for understandable reasons. You know what you have done and are doing. You are definitely not stupid. And even though you express so much hatred towards me now, I still believe in you.

Sincerely,
Me

 
 
12 July 2016 @ 02:27 am
Dear You,

I am returning to let you know that I'm having second thoughts about writing more letters to you. Please understand that it is not a reflection of a loss of feelings in my heart; quite the opposite is true. You only left my life in the physical sense.

So for the past few years I continue to stumble forward (or so it feels), hoping that in our smallish town we will cross paths. And in my mind, I replay the scenario over and over ... I tell you about how my kids are doing, I ask about your daughter (despite the fact I check on her from time to time on social media). We are both on our ways to somewhere else, but you light up as though you are happy to see me; I soak in your smile as the casual manner of conversation returns between us, as though no time has passed.

Nice fantasy that will never happen ... and that can never happen.

When you left you did so with the full intent to do the maximum amount of harm -- knowning full well that psychologically I was vulnerable. And it was not so much your loss that drove me to consider suicide; it was the fact that I had hurt you as I had. For about a month I did not believe I deserved to continue to live. I needed to be punished in the worst possible way. I needed to feel that I had been punished sufficiently. But all I could feel was the guilt and shame in a never-ending cycle of self-loathing and self-blame.

The words of my father echoed in my head for the first couple of years ... "You'll never amount to anything the way you are going, son...." "If you fuck this up then you are screwed. You'll never find anyone else to take you."

Being unable to apologize to you was like a prison sentence. My action that hurt you were chained to me forever. They still are, but I have become accustomed to the drag they  have on my life.

There's so much more to say, but last night I had a realization ... writing to you like this is giving you renewed power over me. Am I allowing you back into my head by writing here? Am I letting slip from my psyche the growth I achieved in therapy? Am I seeking to dig up the pain just so I can feel it again?

My real fear is that the pain, the shame, the guilt will return with the emotional damage they once caused me -- that I allowed it to cause is the truth. I learned a lot from re-evaluating our relationship in therapy; I changed my life; I applied the lessons of how to be a better person. I guess the one thing that was never fixed was being allowed to apply them to you.

Nothing has changed. But everything has changed. I must embrace what has changed and recognize that I'm not the selfish bastard who hurt you then. It doesn't matter that you know it, because nothing can change between us. Maybe that's what I'm hoping for -- a sliver of your life? Friendship? More? No. It cannot happen and playing this game only reopens old wounds. I understand how sweet pain can feel to relive, but in this case, it will only drag me back into an abyss of negativity that I once escaped. I may not be so lucky if I tempt fate a second time.

Thank you again for what you brought my life. The truth is that you were a blessing to me; had it  not been for you, I would not be the better person I am today. I will leave you with my gratitude, and the knowledge that I will not allow the past to redefine my future in this space. My wish for you is continued success and peace.

So long.
 
 
11 July 2016 @ 10:09 am
Dear you,

You've been there for me through everything. You've stuck by my side through every mistake, and you've helped me clean up all of my messes without holding it against me or judgment. I just want you to know that I appreciate you more than anything for that. I love you unconditionally for being my rock, and I am sorry things haven't worked out the way we both planned. We have a child together and also one that may not be biologically yours... but you treat her just as you treat our daughter... and that is how she views you. You are the most incredible father, and I couldn't have asked for a better person to be that part of my life. Maybe one day you and I will finally be on the same page, but I will take what we have for now. I would't trade you for anyone in the entire world. Thank you.

Sincerely,
K
 
 
 
10 July 2016 @ 07:41 pm
The one who was reminding me so much of you, the one who was talking to me because I was both "safe" and low-hanging, stopped talking to me. I resisted the easy way. I ignored and lampshaded the hints that kept bringing up the possibility that the conversation might turn sexy. I giggled and said, "You're a silly bullet-dodging man, Col. Silly Bullet-Dodger!" when he mentioned being wistful about not having married me. If his wife comes back to him, I want him to show a clean heart to her. I wanted to tell him, "Many years ago, I felt trapped in a relationship, and I left. But I left my heart behind, and my lover barred the doors and the windows, and all I can do is stare creepily at the place I left my heart, forever. I can't be complicit in doing that to your wife," but the conversation had moved past that place.

I miss you, my dear friend. I miss you and almost twenty years later it hurts like my belly has been scalded. I am so sorry I didn't see that you needed me to be "safe." I am so sorry that I was low-hanging, instead.

You have this beautiful life. It would not have been possible if I had not left. Be good to your wife and your sisters and your boy. Tread softly, for you tread upon my dreams.
 
 
Wednesday, July 6

Dear You:

It's been nearly eight years and I still find you in my thoughts. After years of dealing with this in therapy, I actually believed that the passage of time would reduce the sting of this loss. I prayed the advancement of time would reduce the pain and the guilt that have gnawed at my soul over the years.

It hasn't.

The waves of crippling guilt did subside over time, but they remain just below the surface. On a quiet night, laying in bed, the guilt rises like the tide, edging closer to my consciousness -- just close enough to remind me what a scumbag I was.

I know perception is reality, but the assumptions you jumped to were way off base when it came to my true intentions. What's that saying about the road to hell. Yeah.

My years in therapy also helped me understand the nature of our relationship, and how my past experiences set me up to act the way I did out of fear -- a fear based of being abandoned by those I care for.

I won't make this long. I'll have more to write, its been a long time since I've written to you. But not a day goes by when you aren't on my mind ... when something reminds me of your dancing eyes, your beautiful smile, the soothing tone of your voice. Like the guilt, the sense of loss I feel also is cyclical. Tonight the loss is intense, and I wish like hell I could see you -- just to see you from afar.

It's a pleasant thought that can never be, but pleasant just the same.

Me
 
 
04 July 2016 @ 07:22 pm
Dear you,

It's been a while since the last time we've talked. I guess you moved on.
Yesterday was your birthday, I realized that I've been sitting there crying for you for a long time.
It's been a year since the last time we've talked, people ask me about you.
What should I tell them?
Oh, yes, I haven't seen her in a year, and every time I try to connect again she doesn't cooperate.
I'm done being the one that has to make an effort.
People always tell me that I have to try harder, but don't you see? I have tried as hard as I could, and it doesn't work.
I didn't said anything about your birthday, I didn't tried to make everything okay.
I'm happy now, and I need to let you go.
So I guess this is it.
I'm moving on.
I'll remember you of course, but I won't live on the past anymore.
It's time to let you go.

Goodbye,
A friend.
 
 
30 June 2016 @ 04:09 pm
I feel like s---. I am FED UP with this.
I hate my days.
I hate my job.
I feel defeated.
I feel soulless.

But I won't let you know it. I'll just smile in front of you, faking a happiness that just can't surpass the sadness -and maybe depression- that I carry
every.
damn.
day.

I will smile in front of you. I will tell you "how beautiful life is". And I won't let you know how I truly feel.

Cause I don't want to put on a burden on your shoulders.

And so...

I'll just smile.
 
 
Mood: draineddrained
 
 
29 June 2016 @ 02:02 am
dear darryl

You've said you miss me.
You've said you still love me.

What now? We've been broken up for three months now, and it still hurts like hell. I don't know what I'm supposed to do now. Just wait until you miss me enough? I'm afraid to suggest anything, I'm way too fragile to handle rejection.

So lost.

-me