29 January 2015 @ 03:14 am
I need to tell you all this. I hope you’ll continue to talk to me after this, but you need to hear the thoughts that fill my heart everyday.
When I first saw you at the coffee shop, I knew that I wanted to talk to you. I said to the people in the shop: “Who is that girl? I really want to talk to her.” I was nervous about talking to you for weeks, but one day I was waiting to use the rest room and you asked me to get your computer connected to the coffee shop's internet. I was so happy that you were talking to me, but I tried really hard to seem indifferent (I didn’t want to scare you or make you feel like I was just like any other guy…you must get asked out all the time…at least that’s how you beautiful you seem to me).
Another day I came in and I saw you in the center room and decided to read my stuff near where you were sitting. I had hoped that I would get a chance to talk to you more and I got so much more than I thought. You were kind and open. I felt really awesome around you, and I thought it would be cool to go to the fest. So I asked you… But you had a boyfriend at the time, so we couldn’t.
We saw each other a few times in the coffee shop after that, but I wasn’t really sure what to do. So I didn’t pursue much at that time. But I do remember describing you as incredible to be around and really nice (not to mention so… so beautiful…you are easily the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen, both physically and mentally).
I then went to a conference in the summer and when I came back, I saw you. I asked if we could be friends and you said that it would be alright as long as I wasn’t doing it with the intention of ultimately being with you. At the time, I think I was being genuine when I agreed (but that didn’t mean I wasn’t interested). You were so cool to me in that conversation and it was easy to talk to you even though I was crazy at that time…my take on gender politics was a bit…well… abrasive, I think. But you took it in stride (and became my friend in spite of it).
After that, it was so easy to talk to you (no more being nervous…I just wanted your friendship…and still want that). One day, I opened up to you at the coffee shop about my past. Up until that moment, I had been walking around with that past on my back. I was constantly worried about my future, both professionally and personally. I thought that it would be insurmountably hard to find a good job, and I thought I would never meet a girl I was interested in who would be ok with my past. After I told you about my past, you smiled (and maybe giggled a little) and said these words that I will never forget: “It’s not that bad.” My heart skips a beat when I write this…imagine how I felt in that moment. You have to know that when I say you are beautiful, I am referring not just to your physical beauty (which is immense), but also to this part of you…the part of you that makes me feel like I can do anything…the part of you that makes me feel like I don’t have to carry the past like a burden (I’m crying as I write this).
I knew then that I wanted you as a friend for sure…regardless of what I want to happen romantically.
We got pancakes and another time I saw you at Rue de la Course, where you poured your heart out to me. I was so touched that you felt comfortable enough to share (I hope you still do). I really wanted to be there for you and you were letting me do that.
One day, I asked you to go to a movie with me, and when you showed up at the restaurant, I couldn’t believe how beautiful you were. It was so cool talking to you at the restaurant, but when you agreed to hang out with me at Puccinos and pour your heart out again, I was again touched. I told you that I wanted you romantically and you said something like: “Well, I’m letting you know now that I’m pretty stubborn.” I didn’t take that as a challenge, but figured I could wait years for you to find out what you wanted and maybe I would end up being part of that. I think I even said that to you.
We went to the movie and I loved that you enjoyed it. As I told you before, the best part of that movie occurred when you took your jacket off. It was a like a ray of sunshine had caught my eye…a blast of air… For you, you were just taking off your jacket…for me it was the first time we were together and you seemed comfortable next to me. God, I wanted to hold your hand or put my arm around you…but I stopped myself. Again, I didn’t want to scare you. I wanted you to feel safe…like you were around someone you could trust (and I had just tried so hard to be your friend…I didn’t want to break that trust).
As you know, for years I really wanted to be in a relationship with just any reasonably attractive girl who was kind. But the day after the movie, I went from wanting just anyone to wanting just you.
Later, I invited you to my home for Shabbat dinner. I hoped to give you the most beautiful (and authentic) experience I could. My friend told me (the next day) that you were beautiful “not just on the outside, but on the inside as well.” He compared you to Catherine Deneuve (in her youth). I’ve looked and you are far more beautiful. Anyway, after the dinner, I feel like I made some mistakes. I was really sick and should not have had guests over at all. The truth is that I was so excited that you were interested in coming over, I decided it was more important to have the opportunity to have you over than to take the risk that you might not agree to come to my house some other night (again, I have this fear because I worry that some other guy is going to scoop you up when I’m not looking…we are just friends after all). After the dinner, you offered to help me clean the dishes and I was so rude to you…again, I was sick, and I know that’s no excuse…but it, I think, explains my irritability…I feel so stupid about it. I should have just washed dishes with you. It would have been fun and a way to hang out with you. You agreed to watch Donnie Darko (my absolute favorite movie), and I was so happy about that. After that, we talked and you stayed talking to me until 2:30 am. I couldn’t believe how much time you had spent with me… You asked me what I was doing for the rest of the night…and I thought to myself that I needed to rest because I was coughing so much. So I told you I was going to wash dishes and go to sleep. I feel like I must have made a mistake when I did that, because now you I’m having trouble reaching you over text.
All I do know is this: I feel like a better person when I’m around you…I feel like I can do anything…be anything. I think about you all the time. I can’t stop telling people about you. You are so incredible and I just don’t want to miss the chance to love you…if there is a chance.
I know you have a boyfriend, and an ex-boyfriend, but I want to go on a real date with you. I want to bring you flowers and take you to the nicest restaurants. I want to be there for you whenever you are hurting and celebrate with you when you are happy. I want to kiss you.
But most of all, I really don’t want to lose you as a friend.
29 January 2015 @ 11:36 am
It's been 3,4 years since we last saw each other, since we last talked to each other. I wish I could turn back time. So I could go back to that time when I wasn't your friend, to the time when we haven't met yet. And this time I will choose not to cross your path, I will choose a different kind of job, and even if I saw you on the streets, I will choose to walk away , choose to be nonexistent from your memory ,your life.
I never had many friends, the few friends I have, i rarely see or talk to. You were the first real friend I could really talk with, confide in, laugh and cry with. I hope someday you will find it in your heart to forgive me, and I hope I could forgive myself too. I do wish for things to be as they were,us being best friends. But I also know that forgiveness doesn't necessarily mean going back to the way we were.
I miss you,old friend. I really do. With you gone, reality suddenly became clear. Reality: that I have no one to talk to, no one to scream with, when I''m a thread away from curling up to die. I have yet to grieve, for all the things , the people I lost, people I have hurt, people who have seen the monster in me.

Someday, old friend. I hope to see you again. But you won't see me.
28 January 2015 @ 03:44 pm
Dear you,

You and I have come a long way in our friendship. That friendship turned into a relationship that we didn't ever think would happen. We decided that it would be an open relationship because that is how we work. I have no problem with it as long as we agree to be safe and tell each other what is going to happen.
I knew that you two thought about doing stuff together and had talked about it. I just didn't know until a few nights ago that it ACTUALLY happened. I knew that it would hurt when I heard that it happened. But the fact that you told me only a few nights ago instead of after it happened makes it worse.
You kept saying that you told me the night after it happened. I KNOW that there was no way you did that because if you told me about it after it happened then I wouldn't feel like I do now.
I can now tell that things are a bit off between us. I hate that it is because we were so close. Now I feel like all we are doing is growing apart. This is killing me inside.
I wonder if we will ever be able to fix this.

This song reminds me so much of you and what you have done for me:

"It was you, who showed me who I am, and taught me to stand, for what I know is real, now i'm breathing for the first time, and I'm leaving all this behind, and ill stand for what i know is real, it was you" ~ It was you by 12 stones

Location: couch
Mood: sadsad
Music: 12 stones
27 January 2015 @ 07:21 pm
dear you,

i worry about you.

please be alright.

-- me
26 January 2015 @ 09:40 pm
Dear G,

I'm missing you really badly right now. It's horrible because there's nothing I can do about it. I have no way of contacting you and it drives me absolutely crazy sometimes. I really miss our friendship. If you actually have been sending me cryptic messages, they're just not enough. I want to go back to the old days where we talked every day for hours, or at least to something similar, at least actually IM somewhat regularly. Obviously I'd love to talk on the phone or in person, but I would settle for IM. I just miss my best friend.

I want to write this because it reminds me of the show Girls and the App that is created to not call your ex.  I have an ex I don't want to write any more texts to or letters so I'm going to say what I want here, so I won't mess up my current closure, if thats okay.

Dear J,
We wouldn't have the problems we did so much if you weren't in such a fear state of hypnotic trance.  You watch those movies on your smart phone for hours a night and you know they only take your power.  They drain you of your own personal power and you submit to all their images for standards, standards of success, standards of male power and standards of female objectification in order to achieve that power.  You know power doesn't come from there.  But you are willingly hypnotized nightly and it has hurt me.  I'm ready for a better everything in 2015 and that includes a better boyfriend.  I'm sorry.  I'll miss you so much.  
20 January 2015 @ 07:06 pm
I tried to kill myself today you know.
And as if the world can't get enough of mocking me,
it didn't work.

I still see you every single time.
I see you.
Looking like someone coming out of a dream.
You watch me as I see you.
There is a playful smile carved on your lips.
I stand frozen, and yet my insides are hosting a war of their own.
You're amused.
There is the glint in your eyes that gave it away.
Do you enjoy my agony?
Do you find pleasure at my discomfort?
My fists are balled up, so much that my fingernails are starting to dig into my palms.
I bite my lip and your smile grew wider.
I want to scream at you, but I'm terrified that my voice would crack with emotion.
I am aware that tears are pooling in my eyes.
But there is nothing I could do.
I am helpless.
And you're standing there, with your dark hair tousled up,
your eyes black as obsidian, smiling, torturing me.
And I can no longer take it.
Finally, I open my eyes.

(Still)Truly yours,
Mood: exhaustedexhausted
16 January 2015 @ 01:13 am
dear you,

there are good days and there are bad days. today is one of the bad ones and maybe that's good. today is one of those days where i realized how far i've come and yet realized how much i have yet to grow up.

i've realized that i am confident (except for all my insecurities), gregarious almost to a fault (except for when i can't look someone in the eye), a respected role model (except to people outside my industry), and relentelessly positive (except for when i let myself breathe and feel for a second and it all evaporates). kind of terrifying to be so many different people at once.

but here's the thing - you were the only one that knew them all. and while i'm over you, i'm not over being alone. i'm not over having nobody to share all of myself with. i'm not over being unwilling or unable to be vulnerable with anyone. i'm not over your ghost lingering over me, holding my tongue when i'm this close to taking a chance.

i don't want you back but i need another you.

06 January 2015 @ 05:48 pm
Dear G,

Will you just talk to me already? I really miss you. I've been thinking about you a lot lately, especially the past couple of days and I would love it if we could chat again like the old days. Remember when we talked every single day for hours? Yeah, it would be great to do that again. You can do this. I believe in you! ;P

That girl you once stalked (I kid, I kid)
01 January 2015 @ 10:09 pm
Dear you,
You could have taught me so much
I'm sorry.
29 December 2014 @ 03:01 am
Dear You,

I've been struggling on how to forget you. I already stopped communicating with you for the past 2 years in order for us to have peace in every aspect. I stayed away from you. No phone numbers and even social media, you've been erased to my life. There was no "You" and I lived so happy. And suddenly you broke that silence! I hate you for that. Why do you have to bother me?! Just a simple text from you after that long period, I can't imagine that the feeling I already buried suddenly rose again. I hate you for that. Because of your simple hello, I'm struggling again! I hate you.

I know we we're good friends back then--buddies! But we can't continue that anymore. Things have changed especially now. The time I chose to bury your memories and friendship was also the time when I realized that I've already fallen with you. AND we both know that we cannot pursue that and that realization I cannot admit to you--forever. I cannot admit that you've gotten my heart subconsciously! :'(

Anyway, if I already forgotten this feeling before, I can also do the same thing and this time this is for good. This may take a bit longer but that would be fine, I can cope up..

I hope...

The person that hates you the most,
I ( :P )
26 December 2014 @ 11:06 pm
Dear You,

"You are the only one who knows who I really am"
This is so true. You are making me into a different person. You love who I am now and not who I used to be. I don't know where I would be right now if I had never met you.

"When they say don't believe, I hope they see you and me"

Thank you,

Location: bed
Mood: gratefulgrateful
Music: Thousand Foot Krutch
26 December 2014 @ 09:10 am
Dear Blonde

It was you, who said " You can always talk to me, I have and will always been your friend" when I was going through self-harm, we talked once...... you never have said a word to me. It stopped if you were wondering, not like you care, all you did was use and hurt me.

YOU hurt me..
21 December 2014 @ 04:31 am
I was running your scripts in my mind and i THOUGHT that i would end up in tragic ruin if you never got the scripts. So i was trying to promote them through a hug, but i never got to it. Why? You dont know who i am. I am sorry. I love you.
19 December 2014 @ 03:33 pm
We're meeting next week for the first time in our 4 year friendship. The last year has been rough since you broke things off with me in a romantic view, and I've been struggling to accept that. You are a constant reminder of what was, and despite doing my best to put you in a friend mindset, there are things about you that keep pulling me back.

I'll joke with you, I'll laugh with you, but deep down, I wish those jokes were genuine. You've made me open to myself, you make me feel. You've...done things to my heart that no one else has ever managed to accomplish and I hate you for it. I love and hate you at the same time, but I'm sure you know that. You tell me you think deep down I harbor a hatred for you. The truth is, I do.

I'm afraid that when we meet all I'm going to want to do is pull you away from your..."boyfriend" and just kiss you. I'm afraid I won't be able to have impulse control since I've never held things back before. I'm just so afraid that this meeting will ruin our friendship because I decided to do something as stupid as kissing a straight girl. Maybe a part of me is hoping that...if I kissed you...you'll magically love me like that again.

I don't know why this is so hard for me to accept.

And I hate myself for it.
Your Best Friend
Mood: sadsad
17 December 2014 @ 10:09 pm

Udah gak kayak dulu lagi waktu awal-awalnya kita mulai berpacaran, saling membalas pesan dengan respond yang cepat, dan selalu ada kabar untuk satu sama lain. Aku tak tau kenapa kini semua telah berubah. Kini dirimu jarang ada kabar, kini pesan kau mulai low respond untuk membalas pesanku, aku tak tau apa penyebab dari perubahanmu saat ini. Aku hanya ingin kita kembali seperti dulu, saling ada kabar, dan selalu fast respond dalam membalas pesan.

17 December 2014 @ 09:25 am
Dear you,

I used to see you every day. Walking down crowded hallways, surrounded by your friends that were cooler than I could ever be. I saw you laughing and talking about things that I couldn't even guess at. I saw you falling apart and hiding it behind a smile. I don't know why no one else could see that you were suffering. Maybe they were too close to see the whole picture, while I was wishing I was closer so that I could try to help you change it. I wish that I'd had courage. I wish that I'd pushed myself through the fear until I came out the other side a stronger person. Someone strong enough to hold your world together until you could do it yourself.

I don't see you anymore. Not in person. Sometimes I look at your picture and wonder if I could have made a difference. I don't know if you would have let me but I'll always know that I should have tried. 
15 December 2014 @ 12:38 am
dear universe,

can you send someone my way that wants to stay up until 4 in the morning and talk about music?

thanks in advance.
14 December 2014 @ 11:10 pm
Hey! I Love you, I wish that you can remenber This everyday in your life, you Know it That i Love you and I know That you Love me, I Feel so happy that someone can Love me with my Stupid things And my Depressive, insecure, And Cold personality, i Love you so much And I'm scared, i can't tell you The Way that i Love you, i will die if you read this, i know that you Don't use This kind of things so i'm safe For a while, well I never understand Why you Love me, i Don't Love me a lot, But well i Don't hate me.
Thanks for love me, thanks for show me What is Love.
You Are my Peter Pan And I will search You in NeverLand.
I will be your Wendy And You will gift me my First kiss.

I express my feelings in This little And ridiculous letter that You never read, it will be lost amoung thousands Of letters, but if you read it, if not lost, And you understand What i Feel for you And therefore you smile, i will be happy.

Always Yours, Mei.

Sorry for my Bad english i'm learning so i can't have a very Good english..if i wrote something wrong, you can tell me, or well write, And i always said thanks.
12 December 2014 @ 08:11 pm

Dear Justin,

                  I don't know what you've got there in your personality that draw me every time we talk... I kinda hate that one because you always take my attention away from my work to you. It's like you are demanding an attention subconsciously which now I loath  but I can't hate you forever because such things don't last everlastingly. I don't hate you now and I like it. I just wanna ask you for a date but I couldn't for the reason that your peer circle is too heavy and too high to be friends with. Of course I want to fit in your group too and I don't want to be out of placed when we are around with your friends right? But I already know my destiny and the fact that we are never going to be together is such a pang pain in my heart but I am trying to accept it even though I am crying and hurting deep inside and it becames more painful when I knew that you have a crush and it is not me. I HATE IT!!! All I wanna is your attention... please.

26 November 2014 @ 11:59 pm
I can still close my eyes and see the first time I had the nerve to approach you and talk to you. I was 15. I can still see the horrible tile that lined our high school floors. I rounded the corner with my dearest friend at the time by my side. I walked toward you overly confident on the outside (terrified on the inside) and asked if i could run my fingers through your long luscious hair. I can still remember how those luxurious locks and lips i just wanted to kiss. You agreed to let me touch your hair (the silliest of 15 year old request especially now at age 27 i just cant help but laugh.) and then your friend came running up behind me jumped upward on the lockers to our side and humped them! We eventually dated while in high school and then you went off to college lived wild and free, as did I. And almost 4 years ago we crossed paths I thought it to be fate. We began to date and eventually live together. At first it was wonderful, but the last year there is more and more distance that grows between us and more deception from you to me... and lies.... they are killing me. You no longer act like this is what you want. You work ever so hard to drive deep wedges so every aspect of your life and my life are separated except for when you get off work and come home for dinner and sleep then we are a couple. Granted we don't talk unless I drill you with questions about your day, which is draining and feels more like i'm interrogating you which what kind of relationship is that? So I now spend a grate deal of my time outside chain smoking my cigarettes and sipping wine. So why torture me? What is your hidden agenda? What are your motives? Where is this going? I love you with all my heart but i am placed on back burner.
24 November 2014 @ 02:56 pm
Dear You,

I love you. So much. Read more...Collapse ) Not many people see how wonderful you are, but in my eyes, you are so special. There are so many things that I love about you; it's a shame that so few people feel the same way. I love the way that you always speak what's on your mind and aren't afraid to hold back. I love the way that you turn to me and talk to me like a normal person. Everyone else is so afraid to talk to me, afraid to hurt my feelings. Everyone else keeps their distance because of my "shyness" - but not you. I love how you don't shake your head at me or get ashamed of me when I fall. I love how you encourage me, even when no one else does. I love how you don't care about what anyone else thinks and still spend time with me. I love your honesty and sincerity. It's never awkward when I'm with you, and that makes me so happy. When I do something wrong, you tell me right away that I messed up - but you don't do it in a harsh way. You do it as a friend does, even though we're not even that close. When I ask you for help, you do everything you can to help me out. You listen to my problems and take the time to help fix them. No one ever goes that far for me. It's probably casual and not a big deal for you, but it makes me so, so happy. I can tell you whatever I'm thinking and not feel as though you'll think I'm weird or anything. I can't do that with anyone else. You were my motivation for everything... When everything was going wrong, I managed to pull through because I knew that you would be there to make everything better.

I miss you. So much. I hope that we'll be able to see each other again. I hope that you don't forget me, because I will never forget you. I love you.

Thank you for everything.
18 November 2014 @ 08:42 pm
Dear You,
I saw your wife and your 2 boys yesterday in a store that I usually don't go to. Total freak chance. You must be hunting, hopefully she's relieved knowing that at least you're not with me? I'm pretty sure she recognized me before I even saw her. Our eyes met for a second and then we both looked away, embarassed, for different reasons. She must have found me on Facebook (just like I found her) and studied my pictures because the only time we ever "saw" each other it was dark, she was crying and screaming and I was afraid and trying to hide from her.
It's been 15 years since you and I last last touched or more aptly, pulled away from each other. We knew it couldn't go on like that but I always wonder what we could have been. The hours we spent exploring each other's bodies, kissing, touching... the drives to the lake, the clumbsy, stumbles into the cool woods to be with each other, running through the city in the rain, finding a quiet bar, the whiskey mingling with our lust.
Even when we ran into each other a while back we felt the risk. I can push your memory away for a while but I can't ever forget.
Signed me,
The Other Woman 
Location: With my fiance
Mood: nostalgicnostalgic
Music: Only Love Can Break Your Heart
15 November 2014 @ 08:07 pm
Dear you,
It's been several months since we've broke up. It's been a few months since we've even spoke. Today is your birthday, and more than ever I find you in the back of my head. I see you here and there around town, and I no longer feel my heart sink. But I still can't believe how once my best friend is now just a stranger I know a lot about. This time last year, I was gaining the courage to speak to you. Now I just wish I could forget you. You meant so much to me, I just don't understand how you can love me for months and share so much and make so many promises, then one day out of the blue just never speak to me again. I find myself late at night going over every single thing I could have possibly done to make you dissapear, but no matter how long and hard I try I can't figure it out. I know I'm not perfect and haven't been the best. But the last two weeks were magical and perfect. What could it have been? You promised no matter what happened you'd stay in contact with me. You would never shut me out again. But when I needed someone most where you? And now, after all this time, where are you? I wish I knew what happened, I wish I knew how to fix this, or how to move one and forget about you. I hope where ever you are tonight, that you're having a blast, that you're so happy, that you forget what it even feels like to be sad. I love you, Happy birthday babe.