Happy One Year Anniversay.
Or, well, it would have been, if you hadn't gone and thrown 11 months down the drain on the whims of a bad day.
Eleven months, gone in a blink. I think back to that call every night- I had known something was wrong all day, it isn't you to just reply 'yeah' or 'k.' I had expected that you'd had a shit day at work, had gotten in trouble with the higher ups or maybe something had happened to a member of your family, maybe that benign tumor on your nephew's leg wasn't as benign as previously thought.
I never suspected I'd get on Facetime with you and watch you shake and avoid my eyes for five minutes without saying a word, my concern and trepidation rising in parallel. I knew exactly what was going to happen when you said, "There's no easy way to do this..." and then sat in a sullen silence for two minutes. But you did the unforgivable- you made the breakup unwarrantedly personal.
The words "It's hard to be in a relationship with you." crash around my skull whenever there's a quiet moment. But I will not apologize for being disabled and in love with you, and I will not apologize for trying to be a normal college student. I will not apologize for how much time my internship took up- something that you knew brought me joy. I will not apologize for all the phone calls I could not answer. Just like you never apologized for your crazy schedule- I never expected one, because you had more commitment to the military than me and I accepted it. It should have been enough.
I feel like why you really broke up with was because I had to schedule a surgery the week I was supposed to go and visit you- the first time we'd have seen each other in a year. I apologized profusely, cried when they told me. I feel like you were trying to punish me.
I hung up on you. The silence after what you said deafening.
When you asked to Facetime the next day, after I had hyperventilated myself to sleep yesterday, I screamed so loudly in to my pillow that my brother came running, ready to fight whatever was hurting me.
You can't fight something that's not tangible though. I know, I've tried.
I acquiesced, though, because I may really be a masochist, and you gave me the word-for-word apology I knew you would. "Can we get back together?" you asked, and I nearly threw my phone into my closet. Everything I thought I would say became ashes. I accepted your apology, said I needed time to think, that I'd let you know when I was ready to talk, and hung up on you.
You insist on a repeat of this episode nearly four days later, and I once again agree to the game of emotional ping pong, because I have never been able to say no to you. I accept your apology once again, and tell you I still need more time to think.
You have never been patient, however, and texted me five days later, "hey not trying to be pushy but im ready to talk when u are." I got drunk for the first time that night, let another man touch me in ways that only you had (this had been decided and consented to by both parties well before the alcohol was consumed, it should be noted).
The next day I texted you that we should just be friends, like we were before we even started dating (and, god, I think that's why this hurts so bad, because you weren't just my boyfriend but my best friend). I said I didn't have the emotional fortitude to say it to your face in facetime, but part of me felt that you did not deserve that respect, and part of me felt that you seeing the hickies on my neck (I look like I had been strangled) would only cause more problems.
I got two whole weeks of radio silence. Even though it was what I wanted, I was still crying myself to sleep every night. And then you started texting me again, which hurt worse than your silence. Every text message was like you were tearing the stitches off the knife wound you gave me in my back.
Yesterday, I had to tell you to leave me alone for a long time. When I sent you that text, the one asking for extended radio silence, all I could think was, 'you wanted this and you're going to get it.'
I wish you would have tried to talk to me before taking such a drastic action. I had noticed a few things were not going so right in our relationship, too, that the boat we were on had a few leaks, but you and your actions sunk it before we even tried to patch things up. I would have been happy to do so; but you're the one who wanted this.
Happy One Year Anniversary, my love! Nonniversary
love, maybe, still
The Girl who would have happily been yours if all you would have done was stay