18 November 2014 @ 08:42 pm
Dear You,
I saw your wife and your 2 boys yesterday in a store that I usually don't go to. Total freak chance. You must be hunting, hopefully she's relieved knowing that at least you're not with me? I'm pretty sure she recognized me before I even saw her. Our eyes met for a second and then we both looked away, embarassed, for different reasons. She must have found me on Facebook (just like I found her) and studied my pictures because the only time we ever "saw" each other it was dark, she was crying and screaming and I was afraid and trying to hide from her.
It's been 15 years since you and I last last touched or more aptly, pulled away from each other. We knew it couldn't go on like that but I always wonder what we could have been. The hours we spent exploring each other's bodies, kissing, touching... the drives to the lake, the clumbsy, stumbles into the cool woods to be with each other, running through the city in the rain, finding a quiet bar, the whiskey mingling with our lust.
Even when we ran into each other a while back we felt the risk. I can push your memory away for a while but I can't ever forget.
Signed me,
The Other Woman 
Location: With my fiance
Mood: nostalgicnostalgic
Music: Only Love Can Break Your Heart
15 November 2014 @ 08:07 pm
Dear you,
It's been several months since we've broke up. It's been a few months since we've even spoke. Today is your birthday, and more than ever I find you in the back of my head. I see you here and there around town, and I no longer feel my heart sink. But I still can't believe how once my best friend is now just a stranger I know a lot about. This time last year, I was gaining the courage to speak to you. Now I just wish I could forget you. You meant so much to me, I just don't understand how you can love me for months and share so much and make so many promises, then one day out of the blue just never speak to me again. I find myself late at night going over every single thing I could have possibly done to make you dissapear, but no matter how long and hard I try I can't figure it out. I know I'm not perfect and haven't been the best. But the last two weeks were magical and perfect. What could it have been? You promised no matter what happened you'd stay in contact with me. You would never shut me out again. But when I needed someone most where you? And now, after all this time, where are you? I wish I knew what happened, I wish I knew how to fix this, or how to move one and forget about you. I hope where ever you are tonight, that you're having a blast, that you're so happy, that you forget what it even feels like to be sad. I love you, Happy birthday babe.
09 November 2014 @ 10:39 pm
Dear you,
Things have ended between us years ago, yet you are still in my life. You're the person that keeps me happy and the person that will always keep me sad. I know that I am with someone else right now, but I just need a proper closure from you, so that I can lock away all these feelings for you.
06 November 2014 @ 12:51 am
Dear you,

I was walking and laughing with friends the other day when I saw someone walk past me. It was you. YOUR face- for just a second- before it transformed back into a stranger again. I have read books where people talk about seeing past loves everywhere around them, but had always thought of it as a metaphor, a way of underlining the loss one feels without the other person. But I SAW your face in that moment, and I literally felt like I couldn't breathe. My chest physically hurt at the thought of it being you. & as quick as you appeared, you were gone again.

The shockwave I felt of even possibly seeing you totally blindsided me. It's like my subconscious mind still searches endlessly through the sea of faces for a chance to see you again. But it's never you, because our timing is always 30 seconds too late. It became so frustratingly obvious that fate did not intend for us to be together, that after a while I just had to laugh. Almost as if God knew if we crossed paths enough, we wouldn't have moved forward with our lives.

Still, I can't help but wonder if you ever see me in the crowd too.
05 November 2014 @ 08:29 pm
I'm sorry for all the pain that you've encountered.
I'm sorry she wont ever leave.
I'm sorry that no matter what bandaid I put on you, it will always hurt.
I'm sorry that she always makes you skip and jump for no real reason.
I'm sorry that you wont ever beat the same again.
I'm sorry I wont ever be able to replace.
I'm sorry I cant erase the past, she wont ever change.

Please, my heart, let's heal these wounds.
Location: wonderland
Mood: restlessrestless
Music: Dance Gavin Dance - Lemon Meringue Tie
03 November 2014 @ 07:41 pm
Dear G,

I wish I could just talk to you and tell you how much I miss you. I wish you were still just an IM away. I saw today that all of your comments to me on my old journal were deleted and I just lost it. I have nothing left of our friendship besides the layout you made for me.

I always wonder what things would have been like if we had met in person that day. Would we have officially gotten together? Did you feel that way about me? Would you have just ended up leaving me for L three months later? Would we just have become life-long friends?

I saw you that day you were parked beside my car in the parking lot of my job. Even though you quickly put a magazine in front of your face, I knew it was you because of your hands. (That's kind of my thing. You and Brandon both have beautiful hands. lol @ myself) I wish I had just walked up to you then and said hello. I wish you had just walked up to me and said hello. Why didn't you ever just talk to me and tell me the truth? I gave you many chances to do so.

Oh well, that's all in the past. But I just want you to know that I miss our friendship so much. Our connection was really special and I'm so sad that it's gone.

If there's any chance that you see this, please talk to me. You know my name, just find me on facebook and message me.

Love Always,
27 October 2014 @ 08:24 am
To my first love,
I don't know why I keep coming back to you, even though you brought me so much pain. You started texting me and I think maybe our love was just not in the right time, but then until now; it is still not the right time. I love my boyfriend, but there will always be you; somewhere in my heart; a place that's only for you.
21 October 2014 @ 09:37 pm

To the guy I'll always love,

It's stupid for me to say that I love you. I barely know you now. At most, I have a school girl crush on you. That's silly because I'm in my fucking 20's. I love my boyfriend but, for some reason there will always be a place for you in my heart. You're the only person I ever cheat on my boyfriends with. Yeah, that's how strongly I feel about you.

You're kind of the reason that I needed to create this. I needed a place where I could type up everything I ever wanted to say to you, but can't.

Probably because I'm scared.

I'm scared of losing you. . . . That's funny. How can I lose something I never had? Well, I did have you in my bed, your bed, and your car.

You know, my feelings always reemerge when you start a conversation with me. That would be every few months. But then, you would just suddenly stop. I hate that.

I hate that you do that.

Why do you do that?
Do you hate getting close to me that much?
Do you hate me?

No, I don't think you hate me. If you did hate me then you won't bother trying to talk to me, right? Especially when you're on a god damn ship! Are you fucking kidding me? You don't talk to me when you're on land, but do when you're a fucking ship. Where it's hard for you to talk to me.

I really like it when you tell me it's hard for you to respond because you're on a damn boat. It's a great excuse to ignore my questions.

But really though, why do you do that?
Are you afraid your girlfriend is going to find out?

Speaking of girlfriend(s)..

Why did hit me up to come thru when you had a girlfriend?
Was she not enough?
Or did you just wanted to be with me?

Help me out here buddy. You're very confusing. You've gone a litte crazy. I have no idea how to go about this entire thing with you.

I wish I had the courage to send this to you.

But, I'm proud of myself for telling you to choose. Either be a friend or nothing at all to me.

To be honest, I want you to know how I feel, but I also don't want you to read any of this. You don't need to know any of this. You don't. But, I need to know. I really don't like not knowing, but I'll just have to live with it.

20 October 2014 @ 09:12 pm
Dear Nasal Congestion,
EFF YOU, go away.

Nobody likes you,
- The woman you currently won't leave alone.
20 October 2014 @ 04:54 pm
I wish that you'd talk to me. More importantly stop playing games or being too scared to tell me how you feel. I mean you just pop into my life send me a song saying "lord knows best when it comes to you that I don't care about anything but you" ask me if I wanna hang out and then just disappear. What am I supposed to think?! Send you ex a love song explaning exactly how I feel about you making me believe that you felt the same. I was so happy for that night. I had hope for once. I guess I thought you changed. Silly me. How could I ever expect you to be consitent? I forgot your popularity, your band....other people are more important than I've ever been. Idk why I expected to be any priority to you. I'm nothing, thanks for making me feel that way. I honestly though maybe you'd grown up, finally. I guess a zebra never changes it's stripes. I really believed in you. Even after everything you've done to ME! Kicked me when I was down. Left me for dead. Destroyed what was left of my life at my lowest point when I NEEDED you. I can forgive the stupid cheating thing, that was forever ago but I need a damn apology for that. I need to know you are truly sorry for being so cruel and basically seeing me on the edge ready to jump and basically screaming "jump bitch! Jump!" That hurt more than him dying. Just say SOMETHING! I'm begging you. If you still have any feelings for me I need to know. Not from some cryptic message but from YOUR fucking mouth. Or else I give up. You and I both know what you really need. Grown up and be a man. Cause right now, at 26 you're less mature than the 18 boy I fell in love with. Ok, I'm gonna go. Don't take to long....I might not always be here. Don't take me for granted if you care at all.
18 October 2014 @ 07:15 am
Dear A,

I know it's too late, but i want you to know that loving you was worth the pain. I never wanted for us to part, but maybe, just maybe, we were never meant to be together. I just want to say thank you for the wonderful times we had. And i want to say sorry dor being not the perfect guy. Sorry for making your heartache, sorry for making you cry. And i'm sorry for loving you. I know your happy now, and i hope it'll be forever. Hope the new guy will love and take care of you better. I wish ypu more happiness and goodluck. And yeah, i will always love you, not like before, but you can count on me :)
17 October 2014 @ 07:11 am
Dear N,

Hey, I miss you......

I just want to know if i'm someone or something to you. It just bothers me how much you're sweet to me, when you have someone courting you and you told me how confused you are. You don't know if he's worth-it or not. Then you told me you got jealous because of something he's done. I mean, wtf man! Am I just you're daily butterflies-in-the-stomach and I-got-jealous diary? Am i just someone you can see when everyone has walked away from you? You're hurting me. It really hurts.
15 October 2014 @ 12:16 am
Dear Gaz.
You are in Trouble.
Someones actions, words and even thoughts are undermining any chance you have a decent life.
The good news, is that you are in control, you can change it, because you are that person.
The bad news is that nothing, not even this letter, were you to recieve it, would convince you that it was not everyone elses fault but your own.  Paraphrasing word for word from your own mouth, people have shat on you since you were a tiny lad, and you have never met anyone who has treated you with the respect you have unworthilly given out.
Sadly anyone who has spent a decent amount of time with you will realise that you are dilluded to this effect.  There is no doubt that you have high standards of moral conduct and follow them to the letter.  You are hard working, and always fulfil what you see as your duty.
Sadly though you hold everyone up to the same moral standards as yourself, the list being extensive and include finding out exactly what you like to eat so correct food can be provided, guessing without communication that an object you were going to buy you couldn't get, and obtaining it in my lunch break at work, not because I need it, but because you need it, Not going against your self-instated authority and trying to communicate amicably with the neighbours, when you had decided they needed to fear you and that you would deal aggressively with them... The list goes on.  If you are not able to accept people as they are, and more importantly accept any fault in yourself, you will only fall further down and continue to get treated "badly" by people who try to help you, only to be critisized and made to feel useless.
Although I lost a lot - financially and otherwise - in my time with you, my greatest sadness is that unfortunately I fear you will never be able to find happiness.  Constantly seeking change in others will never bring you happiness, the only person you can change is yourself.  I hope you are able to find a way out of your darkness, forgive those around you, and take responsibility for your problems!
02 October 2014 @ 07:53 pm
Dear you:
There are things that I can't say.
We've talked about growing old together. The romantic in me wants it to happen, you're the one I love.
However, I have no desire to grow old.
I won't risk losing my memories of you.
I won't risk becoming a burden to you.
I won't risk becoming a shell of who you once loved.
I can never tell you, it would break your heart.
But I will never grow old.
When I'm on my back and exposing my secrets, I feel unburdened but still deeply sad.
I realized that I have been wandering from one point of life to the next.
I'm simply going through the motions that are expected of me.
I have no idea what I'm doing.
I'm just really good at faking it.

If there was a way for me to simply stop existing, I would do it.
I don't dream about dying, only that I could just not exist at all.
23 September 2014 @ 09:21 pm
Dear You,
It's been nearly a year since I last heard from you...I don't know if you tried to send me letters after I moved (but before I put in a forwarding request with the post office) or not, but I can't say I miss hearing from you. Furthermore, quite frankly I'm beyond glad that you didn't get approved for parole...although the fact that they will be reviewing you for parole next year doesn't make me feel much better.
I know that sooner or later you will be released, and while there's nothing I can do to stop that, the mere thought terrifies me. I fear what you may try to do to my family in retribution for me "putting" you in prison (your actions put yourself in prison, whether you want to admit that to yourself or not)...and while I would like to think you meant it when you stated that you would never hurt a child, you also once told me that you'd never hurt me...and you sure as fuck broke that promise, now didn't you? I fear what you might try to do to my kids, to my wife, to my mom...
Despite whatever show you might put on for your mother or the COs or the parole board, I know you haven't changed, and I wouldn't put it past you to attempt to set revenge on me for leaving you. I hope I'm wrong. I hope that when you do get out, you go about your life in a way that won't get you thrown back in prison. I hope you're able to find true happiness with someone who is good for you--and that you don't turn to your old habits (or worse yet, escalate your typical behaviors within a relationship--one of my biggest fears is that you're going to end up killing someone and find yourself on Death Row).
There may no longer be any sort of love in my heart for you, but that doesn't mean that (short of you harming or attempting to harm my family) I wish to see you dead or condemned to die. I don't want you to end up rotting away in prison--not for my sake, but for the sake of your youngest daughter, who despite her conflicted feelings about you still loves you. She may not be my child by blood or marriage, but I still love her as if she were, and you have broken her heart far too many times already in her short life. Parent to parent here: yes, you've been out of the lives of your kids for a very long time...but you can still try to patch things up with your kids and connect with your grandchildren. If nothing else, consider that as motivation not to further fuck your life up.

23 September 2014 @ 08:52 pm
Dear you,

I am REALLY going to miss you.


Dear you,

I don't have any idea what it is that you want from me anymore. Is it friendship, is it someone to talk to when you're bored? I wish that I knew what you expected. And what you thought you were giving me in return.


Dear you,

I don't think you realize you're doing anything wrong. I don't have it in me to keep pointing it out. I hope everything works out.


Dear you,

I meant it when I said I don't have time for a relationship. I feel bad that you've been trying to hang out again for two weeks and I'm just always busy or too exhausted. I really hope that you actually do understand and aren't too hurt or upset or angry. I do want to hang out, even though it may not seem that way since I keep having to say no to coming over. I really am sorry.


Dear Flyers,

Love you. I'm glad it's time for hockey again. See you Thursday, boys.

22 September 2014 @ 02:25 am
Dear you (me),

He left you, yeah it hurts like a bitch still but oh well... Life is still happening while you are shaking like a scared little girl in the corner. Suck it up buttercup and figure out how to move on because we are on loan to this planet for a short time and you are wasting your "pretty" years grieving over someone who didn't care enough to stick around! Go frolic in the waves of life before you're too old and osteoporosis takes your hips and leaves you lying in a nursing home waiting for someone to give a damn enough to visit...

20 September 2014 @ 09:52 pm
Dear you (me)

I have realized the more we become one that the more agro we get. Why is this? Is it because this is what the real us does? I feel like I kinda understand this but I dont at the same time. This is all fucking new to us (me). Of course this is a huge change so it'll take some getting used to.
But I really do want to have more understanding of the feelings that are happening. Dont know if that will actually happen but we will see.

I think we can do this,
Location: Couch
Mood: aggravatedaggravated
Music: Breaking Benjamin
12 September 2014 @ 09:28 pm
dear aunt,

you took care of me like i was your own child. I always made things difficult for you, but you loved me all the same. when mum quit her job and took me back, I forgot you like how a child would chuck aside his old toy.

I am truly sorry. the day before you died, you called to talk to me, to ask how I am. I told you I was busy and couldn't talk to you. I was in fact, doing nothing. you left us the next day.

it's my number one regret that I wasn't able to tell you 'Thank you' and that I love you. After all these years, I still miss you and I hate myself whenever I think of how I treated you. I will never forgive myself. If I could, I would even trade my life for yours. You left behind a son with no father. You could live for him if I traded my life with yours.

I hope you forgive me. All the things you did for me, i am thankful for that. I love you, I really do. you were more of a mother to me than my mum will ever be. If i could turn back time, I would show you my appreciation and tell you I love you.

Always missing you.
12 September 2014 @ 10:40 am

I miss you so much today. I long to see you in my dreams.

27 August 2014 @ 05:08 pm
Dear you,

Seeing you today is making me remember it all. All of the fights we had, the many mistakes we made, the way that it ended. The way that it ended was so fucked up. Now it is all coming back to me and I don't want it to. You have NO IDEA how much you changed my life forever because of what happened with us and how we ended.
I really don't like this feeling that I have after seeing you. I was 100% not expecting to ever see you or run into you (whatever you want to call it) . I look up and you're standing right there. I just couldn't move when I finally recognized you. My mind was drawing a blank. I was pretty much numb/immobilized. I didn't know what to do and or say.
This is all to weird/familiar.

Hard to deal with.

Why did it happen like this?

Location: couch
Mood: anxiousanxious
Music: Hunger Strike ~ Temple of the Dog
25 August 2014 @ 06:54 pm
Dear you,

If I had the chance to say one last thing to you, it would be this: "I will always love you. And for the love of God, please be happy. Because if you're not, that would make the tragedy of you walking away even more unbearable than it already is."

Goodbye my almost lover.
- Me
19 August 2014 @ 11:26 pm
Dear Mr. Robin Williams,

You fooled us all. I can't forge a guess as to what it takes to capture the world's attention--and do with it what you will--but you certainly mastered it. Not even for a mere moment do I envy you, however.

Already the world is a colder place without you. I didn't praise my name on your word, but, God, was I influenced by it. From wherever within you drew the inspiration is forever how the world and those you left behind--me--will remember you--laughing and crinkle-eyed, compromised by natural emotion.

I want to say that I can't imagine the anguish you faced with weathered, forever-sunny eyes, but I can (and I do). I know (and I have known)--and it scares me. But beyond that I can only say that I am horrified to know that you might have thought that, despite the unadulterated joy you brought to the furthest corners of the globe, you might be alone in the world. Coincidentally I know that I am not alone in professing that I might have held your hand, unmitigated. It mortifies me further to glimpse in my mind's eye the hearts of your children and your loves.

And yet, still, Mr. Williams, I do not fault you. No one ought to face fault for the unanticipated demons that come in the night--especially those who dedicate their life's worth to the betterment of plain humanity. Lord knows the world will never forget the laughs you procured--least of all the ones that sustained me through childhood, shaped the joyful nature in me today, and that predict for me the future of living and breathing, themselves.

So how, yet, can I say thank you, say goodnight?--when you have barely scratched the surface of what has yet to be a promised, totally fulfilled life? When I fell in love with your genuine voice, your unmatched, heartfelt sense of humor, Lord knows I intended for it to be a lifetime supply. No, the world is not ready-- I am not ready to say goodnight yet, to say goodnight ever. Timelessness means boundless, untouched eternity, and the spirit you blessed our very attentive hearts with is a divine entity that I intend to worship with the love and fervor only God might yet revere.

I will never forget the origin of my passion, my unyielding need to laugh (and make laugh), and I will never say goodbye to you--but may God rest and keep you, safe and warm and far enough away from the night-crawlers that you, too, might now laugh at them.
Music: Shiny Toy Guns - Starts With One | Powered by Last.fm
12 August 2014 @ 07:44 pm
Dear George Glass,

The funniest thing happened after I forgave you. See, I thought that when I was finally able to forgive you that everything would be released and I would just move on with the rest of my life. But that's not what happened at all. The moment I truly forgave you, all of the long-fought and long-buried feelings came rushing back to the surface.

I love you G-man. You are the best friend I ever had and I miss you more than you can ever know. Unless we really are connected again, in which case you're feeling every bit of this, aren't you?

Love Always,
Your Best Friend
Music: Bright Neon Payphone~Cut Copy