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15 May 2017 @ 11:43 pm
Hello everyone!

It's time for a new writing prompt. Before I post one, just a reminder that if you need anything, please leave a comment on this post. Comments are screened and either chendamoni or I will respond as soon as possible.

In addition, please remember the formatting rules for all entries posted. This is a community for unsent letters - please have all posts formatted as "Dear {x},". Your letters should be written with the assumption that the recipient will not read them.

For a writing exercise if you're seeking inspiration:
Time is something that is far too valuable when we don't have it but far too easy to waste when we do. Write a letter to someone you wish you had taken the time to see while you could, someone or something you spend your time on now, or to an opportunity that you wish you had taken while you had the time and the chance.

Any suggestions you have for future writing prompts are welcome. Feel free to leave a comment below with an idea.

Happy writing!
18 June 2017 @ 11:41 pm
Wow! Drank myself sick today in the pool. Rum and Coke did not bode well for me. Felt great for awhile, then really shitty followed by this heavy heavy guilt. Kids and family said I was funny and even told me things I did that I don't recall at all. That is what scares me the most... As far back as I can remember(High School days), I can recall really liking that buzzed alcohol feeling and trying to get there quickly and sometimes trying to stay there. I was a slim girl back then and could drink some guys under the table. But no matter how much fun I had, when I became sober, this icky dirty feeling of guilt washed over me. It still does to this day. I did stupid things when I was young and mostly regretted them immediately afterwards. I recall in High School going wth some girlfriends to a huge rich kids party off Quito Rd in Saratoga. No parents, tons of alcohol and really shitfaced teens overtaking this kids family home. The bathroom was full of girls throwing up and pooping in the overflowing toilet, it was my turn to go and I hovered drunkenly over the pyramid of loose stool and urine and added my own to the hideous tower of waste. Guilt came over me at that moment thinking of my own parents and how upset and repulsed they would have been I let people do that in the their home. Yuck!
  Then, because I was already drunk, I forgot about the guilt when I exited the smelly cabana bathroom and noticed this really cute guy swaying in the corner. Me being an Empath, I could tell he was drunk, feeling sad and needy. I walked up to him and started talking to him. He lit up when he saw that I was showing interest and seemed open to his flirtations. Never being a really good flirt, I felt awkward and to make that felling go away, I leaned in and started passionately(drunk) kissing him open mouthed an all. I had been dumped not too long before by my longtime boyfriend "Chuck" and felt undesirable and worthless. This poor drunk cute young man lusted after me with his eyes and his flailing tongue, which for a little while felt good. Someone thought I was cute and interesting enough to make out with. Duh, what drunk 18 year old boy wouldn't mind kissing on some drunk seemingly horny 18 year old willing girl. For a few minutes, my mind raced with excitement and I began thinking how nice it would be to date him, after all, he needed me right? Plus, he was cute and needy.
  Errrrrrrt, brakes on when my friend grabs my arm and says the cops are coming and we have to leave. One last long passionate inebriated kiss and we are torn from eachothers drunken arms and I'm rushing to my girlfriends car.
As we drove around the windy curves of Quito road, the open window and fresh cold air snapped me back into reality. I was in the front seat and I started talking about this cute stranger and how I just started kissing him out of nowhere. The icky dirty guilty feeling came over me and I started to cry and bemoan what a tramp I was and how I could ever have done such a gross thing. This whining of mine got on my girlfriends nerves quickly because I couldn't let the yucky feeling go. They had done this type of thing before and much more and thought I was being a stupid drunk prude. I stopped talking about it and we grabbed a late night snack before passing out at one of their houses. That is the first time I felt that insideous feeling of regret and guilt. Too bad, 42 years later and I still get that same exact feeling whenever I over indulge. It's even worse when it's in front of my family, especially my daughters. The not remembering details and conversations is what kills me the most. I get so embarassed and worry about what everyone must think of me. Sometimes I will try to talk my way through it, asking questions and coming up with reasons why I let myself get so out of control.
  Mostly, my family thinks it's funny because to them I really don't seem so drunk and it's such a rare thing for me to do.  But, I know the truth and how gross I felt. This doesn't happen very often, but I've noticed in the last few years, that I have done this more frequently when things are stressful at home with finances or other issues. Having a husband who is nearly 6 years sober as a recovering alcoholic maybe makes me look within a little more closely than most others would when they drink too much. But, I can't shake that icky dirty feeling of shame and guilt and it seems to be getting worse. I know I'm not an alcoholic, but I worry I could become one if it wasn't for the shame I feel. It runs deep in my family. I also know that when I do start to drink and I know it's a safe place to do so, I will often over drink. Granted this only happens maybe 3-4 times a year, but it concerns me that I'm seeing a pattern. My willpower goes down the toilet if I'm offered a second drink that tastes good and then even a third. Saying no only happens because the guilt comes or I know I have to get home somehow if I'm out. All the bad memories and worthless feelings take over and I begin to feel dirty and unworthy. Then the worrying begins about how must others see me and what they must think. All my painful secrets come bubbling to the surface and if I feel safe, I over share them which makes me feel even more icky and ashamed. What's wrong with my brain? Why do I continue to let this happen, even if it's only a few times a year?
Mood: guiltyguilty


Knowing you have returned makes me want to slit my entire body from nose to knees and step out of my skin so you won't recognize me. It has been a dozen years, and I will never stop feeling violated. How dare you breathe the air I have been breathing?



29 May 2017 @ 08:06 am
I am still kicking myself....

You texted me the other day and casually invited me to dinner. I declined as I was already eating. But how I am kicking myself for it! I would have loved to have gone to dinner with you. I told you some other time and you were good with that answer, but part of me thinks you weren't as you later said you were going to take a nap instead of dinner.

I hope we dine together soon. I would love to see you, to really reconnect instead of just over a screen.
21 May 2017 @ 12:04 am
Dear You,

I feel like we are not friends anymore. I don't know what I did wrong to make you not want to be my friend. We are still "friends" on Facebook and other social media sites but not like we use to be. We use to talk every day about whatever was going on in our lives but now nothing. You never reach out to me like I do, you never ask me about my life, you never take the time to be there for me. I was there for you we you needed me! I poured my heart and soul into this relationship to show you how much you mean to me but when I needed you the most you where gone. Is there something wrong with me? Am I not worth having in your life? Am I worthless? I'm tired of having people make me feel this way. Why do I keep meeting people who say they're my friends but really aren't? Why do I keep reaching our to you when I know it hurts me? I deleted your number out my phone, that's why I never text you. Have you ever thought why I only message you through Facebook? No, probably not. I thought I was at my breaking point but I just couldn't cut you out of my life completely. There was still that hope we could be like we once where but I'm beginning to see that is not true anymore. I invited you to my son's party and you said you where coming. You told me numerous times that you where coming and I believed you. I thought that we where going to have a chance to reconnect again but I knew it was too good to be true. You messaged me the day of my son's birthday parity that you couldn't come. I felt so horrible that I let myself believe that you would be there for me. That we would be like we use to be. But I can't do it anymore. I can't pretend that everything is ok between us because it's not. You never take the time to reach out to me and I can't keep hoping for something that is never going to happen. I need better friends in my life. I need to stop being to too nice to people thought I can be guarded with people too. I am deleting you from my life. We will no longer be "friends" on any of my social media accounts. I still wish you the best in everything you do in life and if you ever need to talk we can talk. That part of me won't change. You have not made it completely on my list of people I shut out of my life. But I know we will never talk again because you don't talk to be now. I need to grow and find people that really wan to be my friend. I want friendships that aren't just one sided. So goodbye and have a good life because I can no longer have you in mine.


Mood: Emotional
20 May 2017 @ 03:58 pm
I am trying not to text you every day. And it hurts. We have text since you said you wanted to be alone--you have initiated the first text, and I have wished you a great day. But I wish my texts were much deeper. But I want to text you and be there for you, and I am trying not to let you fall for me, since it is apparently not what you want at this time.

I know you are scared. I think that is the beauty of life. We fall for the wrong people and when something that is beautiful and pure is in front of us, we get scared. And we push one another away. But I don't want to push you away. Instead, I want to pull you close. I want to tell you that everything you hate about yourself is a reason I fall for you. How I knew you were colored blind shortly after I met you in 6th grade but I never wanted you feel different, and I didn't want anyone to pick on you for being different. How your ADHD makes you lose focus, and how aggravated you get because of it, but how I find it cute that you lose your focus at times. Or share other moments with you. For example, how I saw you and your little guy playing at the park the other day when I was walking my dog after work. And how adorable it was to see you two were wearing identical shirts and you were pushing him and a little girl on the merry-go-round.

I didn't mean to fall for you, but I have. And I hope you fall for me over time.
Mood: hopefulhopeful
19 May 2017 @ 04:24 am

Dear self,
The ex that broke your heart 14 months ago is back. He wants to get back together. Your head says no. Your heart says yes. Which will win the argument? If you don't make decisions, they will be made for you, right? I would say seek the council of friends, but who could ever fully wrap their mind around your mess?

Please don't get hurt,

15 May 2017 @ 09:52 pm
Stupid, stupid me for falling for you. I never meant to. I wish I never had. No, I don't mean that. You aren't bad. You're just confused and hurt. And because I started to fall for you, now I am hurt.

I am so sorry she hurt you. I am sorry she played with your heart and emotions and led you on. I wish I could have protected you. I tried to protect you. I tried to tell you to stay away from her. She told you not to contact her. But you didn't listen. And you're all hurt and withdrawn and don't want to talk to anyone--including me.

I care about you. I hate when you don't talk to me. I hate feeling like I am not good enough for you or anyone. I hate how when people get hurt, they always want to go away and never talk to anyone ever again. You say you value our friendship, but what makes me think you are going to talk to me ever again?
Mood: crushedcrushed
15 May 2017 @ 12:08 pm
Dear Mom,
Sometimes, I wonder if you ever cared at all about being a mother. Regardless, I will be the first in this family to wish you a happy Mothers Day. Maybe this is because I'm the only one who continues to consider you a mother. But DNA is a very hard connection to get over. Despite your obvious hate for me, I love you.
I don't know why. I should hate you for the same reason you hate me. You're a constant reminder of the father I never really had, and I'm a reminder of the sad fact that your family never had a chance to come together. I don't know what to think as far as this entire holiday is concerned. With no tride-and-true mother figure to thank, and wish a happy day to, it seems a sad excuse for a holiday.
A very monetized day in the eyes of many (including myself), apparently that's what it means to you as well. You didn't seem to care about my general "Happy Mothers Day" wish. Maybe, had I had money to spend, a gift would have been well in your eyes. But I have no money, and I'm trapped in this home with the family you sold me to. Nonetheless I suppose I'm appreciative.
Thanks for the gift of life. Considering past situations it seems to be difficult to return, so I suppose appreciation should be in place.
Your Failure of a Daughter (Harley <3)
12 May 2017 @ 10:24 am
this letter is written for my future self [maybe some years from now. oh okay i guess maybe my 30-year-old self] :

when you read this:

i hope that you already found whatever it is that you're looking for

i hope you've been to places you promised yourself you'd go

i hope you don't lose your childlike wonder in all things and your childlike faith: that there is always goodness no matter how bad, that generally people are good and they deserve your goodness

i hope you're just as happy as you are now

i hope you keep on believing that dreams do come true because that's what dreams are for-- we make them, we wish for them, we work for them, we get them


i hope you always try to be your best version, no matter how hard it is, no matter the challenges, the criticisms, the people, the weather, the situations. and don't forget to always be yourself, no matter what. be you, and yourself will always be grateful for that [I will be thankful!].
10 May 2017 @ 04:04 pm
I am so scared. So scared of opening up and being vulnerable. So scared of saying too much, scared of not saying enough. I there is so much I want to tell you and so much I want to share, but the thought of doing it and ruining it all crushes me. And you just texted me and bring up Her again.... :( I guess I know not to tell you my feelings--at least not for now.
05 May 2017 @ 10:04 am

Dear you,

What would I give you speak to you after all these years? I have gathered you want nothing to do with me and I cannot blame you. And yet... I just wish. I dream of you often, think of you more, I wish all the best in life for you. My inability to track you down leaves me in a puddle of anxiety that you've continued to suffer depression into adulthood and that you've... ((sigh)). I don't think you have, or would. I just wish I could speak to you again. Show you my children. Tell you I miss you. See your face, your red hair, hug you one more time. Ask if your soul feels inextricably linked to mine the way I feel it is. I hope you are so happy. I hope, I hope you are so loved and happy. You deserve it so. I will always love you, and I will always wonder what if. I'm so sorry.

03 May 2017 @ 09:11 pm
I had no idea I would get attached this quickly. Nor did I realize how much you mean to me. You are my favorite part of my day. :) I can't wait to either text you or call you. I plan to ask you out to dinner Friday, and I hope you join me. :) Because I really can't wait to hang out with you sometime.
Mood: flirtyflirty
01 May 2017 @ 07:02 pm
It is so weird how we connected. And in a short time, I am starting to get attached. And that scares me. Not scared as in I don't want to talk to you or see you... but I am afraid. Afraid she is going to come back into the picture after realizing she was wrong and realizing what an amazing person you are. Afraid of falling and either of us getting hurt. I know I am probably overthinking everything. And I should just take a deep breath and let things fall as it may.
Mood: scaredscared
28 April 2017 @ 08:31 am
Dear You,

I remember where I was sitting outside of that big and charmingly drafty house. Neglected and cluttered as it was, I liked it. The sky was clear, and traffic from the highway felt miles away. I can't remember if I was cold, or if it was just nerves that made me shiver. Maybe it was a bit of both on a damp night in April.

The night seemed endlessly long, as they so often did in those days. There is no clearer sign that you are entrenched in the beauty of your youth than feeling like the sweet embrace of night will always feel this electric. But simultaneously, I felt… quiet. The tumultuous waves of emotion were calm, and I felt still in this newfound clarity; probably for the first time in a dozen years.

I still have this vivid memory of feeling as if I had finally arrived.  For as long as I could remember, I was too fierce, too intense, too passionate… too much. I had, admittedly, made so many mistakes in my life: being wild with misdirected anger, recklessly pursuing all of the wrong friendships and endeavors, and giving pieces of myself away so carelessly to those who couldn’t, wouldn’t, and shouldn’t understand a single thing about me.

But I remember thinking, “Fear not, dear girl, for you have finally arrived.”

In that moment, I knew I was supposed to be there, as if every moment of my life led up to that night. I was understood, I was validated, and I was beautiful, even in all my brokenness. There was a place where I fit, completely. We could begin. Everything was ahead.

The fire crackled and danced, and its shadows flirted with the stars. They teased like sirens, calling sailors off to their deaths. How in the world I ignored the symbolism right in front of me, I will never know. I suspect I was blinded by that energy. Those eyes that told the sweetest lies I’d ever dreamed of hearing.

Like all those sailors before me, I wandered right off, straight to my demise.

Some time ago, I drove past the empty lot where that house once stood. It’s been a dozen years since, and I can still feel the stubble on my cheek when I close my eyes.

Go fuck yourself.
Location: here
Mood: nostalgicnostalgic
27 April 2017 @ 09:24 pm
Thank you! Thank you for being a jerk and ripping his heart out. I have been on the phone with him for the last three days, trying to console a man I don't even really know. For three days, I have not had answers, I have had to try to tell him how things were going to be okay. And because I have been a friend, he wants to hang out with me.

I don't know what the future holds, but I do know one thing. I will treat him right, because you didn't.
Mood: optimisticoptimistic
21 April 2017 @ 12:36 pm

Yeah, you.

You've blocked me out of your life for a week, now. I'm surprised by how it doesn't hurt. How I don't feel like I'm missing anything. How I do, honestly, feel I am better off without you.

I am sorry you got hurt. I don't know how you're surprised by what happened, but I'm sorry it hurt you. I'm sorry you had someone incredible that you didn't appreciate or value until after she was gone. I'm sorry you feel the need to own your exes and dictate that they are off limits to anyone whom you ever spoke to during your relationship. I'm sorry you haven't matured enough in the last 8 years that you need to never speak to someone ever again in order to validate your behavior/existence/feelings. I'm sorry it drives you mad that you have no control over my emotions.

-I'm not sorry I got out.
-I'm not sorry I fell in love with him.
-I'm not sorry that I finally get to experience happiness and fulfillment you could never give me.

I'm so lucky I finally found my worth and left you. I'm so lucky I spread my wings and found myself in time for him to find me, so that I would be ready for him. I'm so goddamned lucky. I'm so happy.

I love him.


09 April 2017 @ 05:42 pm
Dear Jack,
WAKE UP PLEASE USE YOUR BRAIN FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE!!!!! Please notice that literally everything is about you, and notice that I notice everything as well. If you used your brain you'd be able to see that I honestly am YOURS still, almost four months after you said yo Leo, can we talk about us? and then told me you think we'd be better just friends. IT'S EASY FOR YOU, YOU SAY YOU DON'T GET CRUSHES EASILY? IT'S NOT AS EASY FOR ME!!!!!!!!!!
Give me another chance.
I'm not in love with you, but I so easily could be.
Leo x
26 March 2017 @ 06:34 pm

This year it'll be 3 years since we last talked. Yeah, I'm still counting, but what can you expect when I was hung up on you for yeaars.

I think I'm over you - I mean, it didn't really happen all at once. Each day just went by and then after a long long time I suddenly realised... hey, I haven't thought about her in a while! And I felt over you...

But I found this quote a few months ago.

"You're not over someone until they're stood in front of you and you can say 'this is not what I want'".

According to that, I'm not over you. If I had the chance I would take you back ohsofast. If you were here I'd be all over you. And I don't know when the won't be the case, or if I'll ever stop feeling like this, so I guess I just gotta carry on and let the days go by. Because I'm not going to see you again, I know that.

Anyway I hope you're doing well.

love, me. 
25 March 2017 @ 05:57 pm
Dear Sean,

I just wanted to tell you a little bit about me and how I've fared since you broke my heart. I was disappointed, and shame on me for believing that you meant the lies you fed me to get me to sleep with you. Little did I know that you had absolutely no intention of ever having a relationship with me. Well, fortunately I have moved on.

I just wanted to let you know that since you took my virginity, I've been tested for every STD, and I didn't contract any from you. I don't even have HPV or herpes.

We all get older, but I personally take care of myself, which means that as time goes on, I'm going to look better and better when compared to you and your narcissistic self.

My life is a masterpiece of all of the work that I've put into it... Unlike you, my life is not a front, a shell, a farce, a lie.

Despite the fact that you took my virginity and ran, I walk through life with dignity. I always believed that I was making love to my future husband.

I walk through life with dignity also because I believe in love, and I refused to let heartache ruin my chances at a happy future.

Do you remember how I had planned that lavish vacation for us? I know that you felt something for that, otherwise you never would have gone with someone else and posted a photo from your bedsheets on Facebook.

Just because you didn't like my eyes, my vagina, my hair, my smell, or my lingerie doesn't mean that I'm not a beautiful person in my own right. Other people think I'm beautiful. And what's more important, I know that I am beautiful in my own right because of the decisions that I make to better the world around me.

Although I have undeniable bitterness about having believed you and spent so much time and energy and money on forging a relationship with you, I have come out of this so well and I just want to congratulate myself for being awesome. I could have let it continue to make me crazy for years, just hoping you might turn around and stop leading me on and dropping me. But instead, I was strong and I moved on.

With Indifference,

17 March 2017 @ 06:05 pm

Don't take this the wrong way, I'm happy for you and Chase and your new sense of self and advanture and all the hundreds of girls you're sweet talking into sending you pictures of themselves, and I believe you think you want to be friends, but I don't.

And I don't want you to think it's because I'm not over you. Because that, most definitely, is not the case.

It's because you were an absolutely dispicable human being to me and I cannot forgive you for that right now. For ten years, you outright refused to consider thinking about whether or not you wanted children or marriage. You didn't want to go to school, to study for any tests that might improve your circumstances, move on in your career, or travel. You made me cry. You made me believe I was the shitty girlfriend. You didn't like it when I sang, laughed, danced, listened to music, whistled, or hummed. Four times I can remember, you told me you weren't sure if you wanted to be with me and I gave you space to figure it out, and you always settled on coming back. I broke up with you, and you fought for me to come back. You wasted my life. You always knew I wasn't the one but you stayed with me because I was an easy lay and you didn't want to be alone. When I think of you, I feel ashamed of myself for putting up with you for all those years. I feel ashamed of myself for letting you pull me down. I feel ashamed of myself for going back to you, and fighting like hell to save our relationship over and over again. I know you don't regret it. You feel like we had a fun time. But you wasted my time. And it's going to take time for me to get over that.

Literally, my first experience with another person. Its only been the one try so far, and he thinks I'm incredible. He wants to laugh with me and be with me and go places with me. He doesn't just think I'm someone he could settle for out of fear of being alone.  Do you have any idea how incredibly crushing that is to realize? That its -SUPPOSED- to be like that? That for ten years when I thought Mary was crazy that these guys she was dating all thought she was INCREDIBLE, I was sure she was exaggerating. Surely they all thought she was okay, and they could put up with her because she was a good lay. No, Josh. No, they did all think she was amazing. Because she is. And Frank thinks I'm amazing because I am.

For ten years you made me feel like someone people settle for. You never once tried to correct that you only picked me after leaving Mary because I was easy. You made me feel that I am just a huge handful and how lucky I was that you were willing to handle all of my crap. Ten years. I will never get those years back. It was a lot of time. And sure, we have a lot of history. We had a lot of sex, and we watched some movies and played some video games, but does that really make up for how much you hated me when I was drunk? How many weddings you refused to even slow dance with me? How many trips I tried to plan that you backed out of or flat out declined, or I shortened because it was easier than listening to you complain the whole time, how many times you made me leave social events early because if I didn't you'd glare at me and make my life miserable until we left? I don't think so.

I'm fine with being civil. But I don't want to be your friend. I doubt you'll even read this whole message.


16 March 2017 @ 02:37 pm
We seldom see one another anymore. Usually, we see one another when the other plant is slow/busy and extra help is needed or when there is a quarterly business meeting. Yesterday, I was supposed to be off work, but I volunteered to fill-in for a person who had to take her son to the specialist. And it also happened to be the day you had your quarterly business meeting. As I got out of my meeting and turned the corner, I was hoping to catch a glimpse of you. And I did. You looked at me and, instantly smiled from ear to ear and I heard you say "Wow!"

I am not sure if you meant for me to hear it. I am not sure if you even realized you said it. And I am not even sure exactly what you meant when you said it. But it has my head spinning.

It is funny, as I usually can tell you what you were wearing. But I can't tell you anything about what you were wearing yesterday. Probably cargo khakis... as you wear those all the time. But shirt color? Yeah, I got nothing. I know you usually wear gray, blue or red. But I can't tell you. I didn't take notice. I just saw you and our eyes just locked on one another.

I am thinking I might need to volunteer on a day off down the street to catch up.
Mood: gigglygiggly
09 March 2017 @ 11:21 pm
"Dear B,"

"Dear B,

There are so many things I would want to say to you, to make this world, this life make sense. But how can I do that, when I don't know what the words are. The only reality of our life is chaos..."

"Dear B,

I would have waited for you forever."

"Dear B,

I we lived another life, in another reality - I would search for you in everything. I would relive our first two years together, on repeat, like my favourite song. It's never something I would get tired of... You being mine and me being yours. It's the truth that sounds so much better."

Dear B,

You're not a piece of shit. No matter what I say. You're the most amazing human being I have ever met. Even though I try so hard to forget you, you're the only thing that makes perfect sense to me."

"Dear B,

Please don't die... I don't think I could live if I could never see your face again."

Dear B,

My heart won't work because it's broken into countless tiny pieces, some are gone for good and all that's life are memories of you."

I take the bag of crumpled pieces of notebook paper out to the garbage chute.
He's bipolar and schizophrenic. The websites refer to the condition as schizo-affective and the symptoms are very clearly listed alongside with the required medication, side-effects and lifestyle the patient is recommended to adhere to. It's all so very logical and precise. The psychiatrist diagnoses the patient when he's in his care and then the patient takes the prescribed medication sees his psychiatrist regularly and voila life as usual. He's my husband of 25 years and the father of our very well-balanced children. There's no prescription for me, no lifestyle recommended and no guide to living with this condition.

When did the twins and the elephant under the bed appear? I don't know and all I can hazard a guess. He's the love of my life, my support, my partner and my friend and he’s left. I feel lonely but also trapped and scared. When I’m with him I feel alone because there’s a chasm where there was once vibrancy and wit. I always boasted that he’s the smartest person I know and that his brain is the most attractive feature because he never fails to amaze me with his intelligence. He’s still very intelligent but that intelligence has taken a sinister turn. The tracker on my car is activated … always and every time my phone backs up to iCloud a few more numbers disappear. Amazingly enough it’s always a friend that’s male. My phone has been cloned and my WhatsApp hacked more times than I care to remember. This is always preceded by a phone call.

When he isn’t with me I’m afraid to answer my phone in a public place. “Where are you?” in a harsh, abrasive tone that sends fear down my spine and my response, idiot that I am, is always something safe because of the fear. Why am I afraid? He never hits me or is abusive to me but he is a big man 6 foot to my mere 5 foot and at one time he was wielding an axe in one hand and a panga in the other running down the street screaming that he would kill any man that I was with. He doesn’t behave that way anymore because he takes his medication. I know that but would someone please tell my emotions that so that the fear can dissipate. Fear is irrational I tell myself when I wake in the middle of the night and he’s wide awake staring at me. He said he wouldn’t hurt me I tell myself and he hasn’t hurt me I argue with my sanity.
I do suppose that the immediate response to insanity is to question your own sanity but it seems so surreal to observe the behaviour in front of you and think “does this happen in all relationships?”. So I’ve clung to the notion that I’m the sane person I don’t scream and don’t accuse and I never demean myself to helpless begging. This is the norm my rational brain screams when I’m faced with the screaming, the accusations and when I want to leave or am silent … the begging. “Please don’t leave; tell me what to change; I’ll work on it”. This is my life. The twins is the bipolar syndrome the ridiculous scary highs when he spends money and has all the fun he can. He splurges on our children and I should be grateful for that but not when the child himself has manipulated the situation and is driving a luxury BMW whilst his father doesn’t own a car. Or when he refuses to fix my car but fixes the said BMW after the offspring has climbed a kerb. I don’t want to be angry with my children but does a 22 year old in University need a BMW? Should your adult 28 year old daughter wait for supper to be cooked for her every evening? Should your 24 year old married son come shopping in your bathroom for toiletries when he’s earning more than twice my salary? No I shouldn’t be angry with them it has always been this way so why should the circumstances change now. Is he generous to me?
Absolutely. I have a beautiful Pandora bracelet, almost full, much to the envy of my acquaintances and colleagues. My friends know differently. My friends know that each time there is an “episode”, I get a new charm of my choosing. So, what constitutes an episode? There is generally something that triggers that will label my behaviour as suspicious. The something has ranged to a comment I made that he doesn’t need to be aggressive to a cashier to when I came home after my curfew. Yes I’m 51 years old and I have a curfew. I can meet with friends but I need to be home at an agreed time with a contrite manner. If I come home in a good mood with an interesting or amusing anecdote then there will be an “episode” and if I’m later than the agreed curfew then the “episode” starts when he phones me ask: “where are you? You said you’d be here at eight ‘o clock? It’s nine; you’re a married woman you’re supposed to be at home. What sort of woman are you that you need to go out.” Suffice to say I have very few friends since very few friends I know can be silent at the end of that tirade and then say to you, maybe you should leave now. By then I’m upset generally in tears and highly embarrassed by what has happened. I’m a teacher more qualified than I need be with a Master’s degree in Science Education so I should be able to pre-empt the “episode” and defuse it. I have but then there is another factor…

Three years ago I went to teach in Abu Dhabi and this was prior to the “episodes”. The understanding we had at that time was that I would work and look into the opportunities available for my children. He travels abroad extensively and would come and see me for two weeks after every four weeks. It seemed a reasonable plan and my children were 25, 21 and 19 respectively. They are old enough to fend for themselves in our home. It’s a big home, five bedrooms and each room is en-suite. My dad lives with us and is capable of taking care of himself. Nkosi comes in every day and takes care of the house, laundry and cleaning. Gabriel cleans the garden the only thing that needs doing is that someone needs to cook. Dad can do it but he does it when he feels he’s up to it. The first two months I was away all was fine we had the most amazing skype conversations and I described my adventure and they lived it with me. I couldn’t wait for my husband to come and visit and see the desert vista and experience the culture with me. I kept saying to myself “wow, he would love the coffee or I need to buy a huge couch so that I could cuddle with him”.

The reality was so far removed from the dream that I had of cuddling on the couch watching some movie. Within a day of him arriving and helping with the odds and ends of heavy lifting and putting up curtains and rearranging furniture and buying the essentials that I didn’t have, he realised that I was self-sufficient. That’s when the elephant showed itself in the “episodes”. I innocently asked him if he would like to meet some of the people that I spent my time with. He met all the females and there was no problem but on meeting the men something in his brain switched. I was told that there would be no familiarising myself with any man that any male person had no business speaking to me unless it was work-related and that only a slut would speak to a man. I was told that my behaviour with men was questionable and that I behaved like a slut. There was screaming, shouting, ranting and raving and it seemed like he was going to explode with all the energy coming out of him. He ran out of the apartment at one in the morning. I realised he had gone about two thirty when he called to say where he had gone and after much driving around I found him at the bus station where the lonely guard told him the next bus would be there at six in the morning. I asked him to come back to the apartment with me. He refused and screamed, shouted and generally made a scene there whilst I was pleading with him imploring him to behave since there were cameras, this was the Middle East and I had no idea what passed for being arrested. That scene will forever be etched in my mind because it set the tone for his future behaviour and my abject fear that any situation would denigrate to that.
When he arrived home he involved our children in our marriage. As soon as he heard I was in the company of a male person he would call and abuse me verbally. According to him I needed to be in the company of only females and I needed to tell anyone I was visiting with that that there couldn’t be a male in our company. The ridiculousness of that situation soon hit home and I just avoided telling him anything since he was 8 000 kilometres away. But then, he’d phone and I had to answer both my cell phone and the home phone to prove I was in the apartment. Then our children would phone me and implore me to behave myself because he threatened to throw my son off the balcony. My guilty deed was that there was a man in the car with me. His solution was to get me arrested for running a brothel. He actively brought our children into our marriage and their purpose was to calm an adult male who vacillated between killing himself or destroying me. My children have not forgotten that nor have they forgiven me for allowing this to happen. I should have been with him not them and they honestly believe that my behaviour is always questionable.

Since then there have been many more of these “episodes” when the elephant emerges from under the bed but the constant tone to our lives is that the elephant is under the bed and I live my days waiting for the elephant to emerge. We have good days, good months and then something triggers and the elephant is out. The worst was when he broke the glass door to my closet, picked up the glass and told me he wanted to kill himself. This happened with my daughter and son in the room with us. I responded out of shock and anger hitting with hard with my fist so that he had a blue eye for two weeks I think I prevented him from killing himself. That led to him being admitted to a psychiatric clinic where he was treated for the first time. I was scared but I remembered the man I fell in love with and still love and I promised him I would be there for and would never leave.

I’m a horrible person because I now want to actively break that promise. I remember all those good times, my love but those are shadowed when my children look at me like I’m a slut and start to parent me. If I don’t answer my phone they come looking for me and activating the tracker on my car. They feel they have the right to be rude to my friends when I’m late. I need to forget; I need to escape; I need to breathe; I need to look around and speak to strangers without the fear of being denigrated. I’m not a slut and I have always been faithful but I’m tired of being constantly treated like a criminal or servant. Mom cooks and looks after the home, wife stays at home and takes care of the home and Charmaine is a vibrant person who finds the fun in the mundane who loves teasing and laughing and socialising without the need to behave inappropriately. He doesn’t have friends and only goes out with the children or me. Dinner with him is a staid affair of eating and talking about the home and children. Where did the conversation go? I’m too scared to mention anything that happens at school with my colleagues because I’m afraid of the elephant. If I want to see a friend I wait for an opportune moment when he’s calm and by then my stomach is in knots anticipating his reaction.

I need to have a confirmed time I’m leaving and the exact time I’m returning and if anything out of the ordinary should occur during that time I will need to answer my phone immediately to console and reassure him that I’m actually where I said I would be and that I’m not out having sex with a random stranger. This has limited my interaction with people who would willingly spend time with me. My friend looked at me sadly and said that there was absolutely no way I could make this work and I’m fooling myself by actually attempting this. Another friend stood by and told me that I loved him and it will work. Unfortunately that was a male friend and the poor dear was harassed to no end with phone calls and threatening Whatsapp messages.
It’s a lonely existence being with him waiting for something to happen and hoping nothing does.
25 February 2017 @ 03:15 am
Dear Cindy,

So I have been going through a lot and this love I had for you is diminishing because you are swimming toward another man. You recently told me that you cheated on me and it was on feb 19 when you told me... we went separate ways at the beginning of the year but we was both dilusional about it until feb hit and I was struck with pain and misery with out her and our dog. I've asked you if you would be so kind enough to take me back or atleast for 6 months to prove you that I did you wrong and will keep you happy... is this the right choice??? Just because I thirst for your attention, love, voice, and affection.

What do I do? That's all I'm asking...

(She said she would try but every time I notice she is talking to this guy behind my back or is not really willing to try. But this is only day 5 of this 6 months of progress of improving to you.)