I always wished I was not human. I wanted to be more, special. I didn't care if it was in a freakish way, I just wanted to be different, to be noticed. I wanted to be the strongest, the toughest, the most intelligent, the most beautiful, the most loved of all.
But that didn't happen of course. I had always been average. Average looks, average grades, unremarkable personality, I was one among millions of others. No matter what I tried, I was never good enough. There was always someone better than me.
But then I fell in love. At that moment it didn't matter what others thought of me as long as that person loved me, as long as I was the only one in his eyes. So I did everything I could to make him look my way, and when he did I was the happiest person in the world.
While we were going out I was in heaven, troubled heaven because I was insecure and a novice at the dating thing, but heaven either way. The longer we went out the more I wished for him to care for me. Where he showed reluctance I compensated with my love for him.
However, that kind of onesided love could not last forever, and when it came to an end, my heart was crushed along with it. My love was just not enough, I didn't care enough, I didn't pay enough attention to him, it was my fault that for seven months he had cheated.
Yes cheated, and in the most horrible manner. He chose someone who he knew we shared friends with. As if it didn't matter if I found out. But of course it didn't matter. She was worth it after all. She was beautiful, popular, special.
For seven months people around me started to notice me, but only as the girl whose boyfriend was cheating on. The laughing stock of the school. The one girls wished they never became and boys found stupid.
I was finally special. I didn't know why at the time of course, but I still felt it and it felt good. I loved that people knew my name, that they remembered my face. I was happy that people finally realized that I was there, that I had been there all along.
But then everything came crashing down. He had told her that I was harassing her, that I was a creepy stalker, while telling me the same about her. Then it hit me. He didn't love me, he didn't respect me, he didn't care for me.
We broke up and I finally understood why I was suddenly popular, I wasn't loved, I was just mocked and pitied by them. They didn't see me, they didn't care for me, I was just an interruption of their monotonous life. I had been entertaining for a while.
I was back at square one with a broken heart and a vilified reputation. I felt dirty, humiliated and there was nothing I could do to make it go away, no matter how much I scrubbed, the shame of being an idiot who was easily cheated on didn't go away.
But then I realized that it wasn't my fault. I hadn't done anything wrong apart for trusting him. I had already realized that I didn't need just anyone to find me special, I wanted to feel special for myself.
That was the begining of another chapter of my life, and I liked it better than the first one. I didn't others to feel special, and I certainly didn't need a man to bind me down. I started to live instead of exist.