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01 November 2015 @ 04:22 am
Hello everyone!

Happy November 1st - it's time for a new writing prompt. Before I post one, just a reminder that if you need anything, please leave a comment on this post. Comments are screened and either chendamoni or I will respond as soon as possible.

For the November writing exercise if you're seeking inspiration:
Write a letter to yourself one year ago. It can be a letter you wish you'd received to warn you of things coming your way, a letter praising the progress your past self is making, or anything else that you can think of.

Happy writing!
24 November 2015 @ 03:45 pm
Dear You,

I know you are aware that my husband had a stroke just over six years ago. That would be around the time you were dating him. Yeah. I know that happened. I was away at school at the time, and it was obvious to me that he was having problems. Problems remembering things. Problems handling money. Problems planning complex tasks. But I had one more required class to go before I would earn my bachelor's degree, so I tried to help him manage his issues long distance. That didn't work, so two days before Thanksgiving I was forced to quit school. Two days later was the last time either one of us saw you.

Of course you were at that big family Thanksgiving dinner, because you're family. Right? After all, your daughter is the mother of my stepson's daughter. Yes. You share a granddaughter with the married man you were dating... Because that's not weird. No, not one bit. /sarcasm.

Do you remember how that evening ended? We grandparents were supposed to babysit our granddaughter while her parents went to the bars with their friends. Yeah. THAT went well. Not.

Do you remember joining in with my husband's ex in belittling me? Screaming at me about how horrible I am? How terrible it was that I couldn't remember exactly when my husband's next Dr appointment was? (Spoiler alert: When your husband suffers a stroke that leaves him with permanent dementia, the Dr appointments all just blend together. So do the days, and years.) I'm sure you remember you and my husband's ex screaming at me as we left.

"You're NOT a part of THIS family!"
"Go back to (town where university I had just left is located)! NO ONE WANTS YOU HERE!"

I wonder how you explained all that fuss to our three year old granddaughter?
Did you see me collapse in tears on your daughter's porch?

We have not heard from you in six years, so I don't know how much you know about why my husband and I have not seen our granddaughter in four years. The short story is that it is related to how that Thanksgiving dinner ended six years ago. You, and my husband's ex never saw me as family. Unfortunately, my husband has dementia. He also has diabetes, high blood pressure, and heart damage from the heart attack he had this spring. His medical needs are complex. Where he goes, I go. And my husband's ex is toxic enough to insist that I never ever am allowed around our granddaughter. Not due to anything I have ever done. Simply because I exist. And if that means my husband never sees his only grandchild, well, so be it.

One thing I know you remember is that you and my husband happen to share a birthday. I know this because you called my cell phone and left a message for him. You probably don't know that I disconnected our land line to save money and had the number transferred to my cell phone. Even so, singing "Happy Birthday to Grandpa" to a man you used to date, and haven't seen in six years, that's creepy. Creepy as HELL.

I haven't let my husband listen to that message. Because it's creepy. And because he no longer remembers his granddaughter's name. If he doesn't remember her name, he surely doesn't remember yours.

I suppose you'd say you have the right to call and wish my husband a happy birthday. Because you're "family." But you know what? You're my husband's son's baby mama's mother. My husband hasn't dated you in six years, and he shouldn't have been sneaking around behind my back to date you in the first place. You also were in the wrong to be dating a married man. Not only that, but your skanky daughter slept around enough that my stepson dropped her ass four years ago. You're no more "family" than a distant second cousin.

So, no. No you don't.
21 November 2015 @ 01:28 pm
1. Dear you,
I didn't stop talking to you because of that one bit of water under the bridge, that you hit me years ago. I stopped talking to you because no matter what I did or said, you used it to feed the beast that made you tear at both of us. And if I try to give you the closure I owe you and you (I think) crave, you will use it as an excuse to do something violent and stupid. You should not own a firearm right now. I am very afraid. Congratulations. I hope it does you good to scare a pathetic sack of shit like me.

2. Dear you,
Hey. I love you. But I am glad you ended this zombie relationship. You said you were addicted to me, but it was the getting back together, the wonderful, joyous first days of forgiveness after loneliness that were your real drug of choice. And darling, they were so heady and so sweet, my heart could hardly bear it. Thank you. But it was a hell of a way to run a love life. The thing they say about hitting yourself on the head with a hammer is a lie, for me: it doesn't feel good when I stop, it feels like I've been hit with a hammer. So thanks for breaking that cycle when I didn't have the strength. I am so happy to miss you every day.

3. Dear you,
You have noticed I haven't broken "radio silence." This is because, holy shit do I get into disastrous relationships, but I could see that if we got together, it would be just really, really awful for both of us. I honestly don't think you knew that you were grooming me to be involved with you; it even sounds terribly egotistical to say, but the whole world saw that you were lying to yourself about your crush on me; I was one of the last to see it. And I could tell you what made me feel like I had to run away, but you would only use it to beat yourself up. I miss you so much, my friend, but "sleep with me or I'll kill myself," is kind not the kind of bullying I want to build my life around.
15 November 2015 @ 06:31 pm
I hate being used as a pawn in your games.

Sincerely, me
12 November 2015 @ 09:08 am

Dear you,

I'm sorry that you have to go through shit without anyone to go to when you needed a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on. You know you can't talk about your marriage problems to anyone because it can never be fixed not when you already have a child. You have got to live with life as it is and just make the most of it. Think of your child. Your husband is a good dad even though he suck as your partner. Your child needs you two so please just hang in there and put on a fake smile. You have been a good mom doing everything you could for your child. Someday your child will grow up to be a good person. Hold on to that thought to keep you going from all the bullshit your husband has to let you go through. You may feel you are alone but i'm here your imaginary friend. Be strong if not for you at least for baby.

10 November 2015 @ 11:37 pm
You are thinking about refinancing your car now that you've gotten your credit score a little higher. Just keep in mind that it's a car salesmans mission in life to sell new cars and you have little impulse control. I love the new car though... even though I am paying more than I want to be.
You are doing great on your diet. You've lost almost 30 pounds and your momentum has showed no signs of slowing down. Be careful at the gym. You'll be having spinal surgery in 2015, and who knows, your determination at the gym might have been part of the problem there. Keep going, just be careful.
In the upcoming spring you will be taking your son to Florida and Disney for the first time in his life. You will have an amazing time. Unfortunatly your decision to cheat on your diet on this vacation will have horrible consequenses on your weight loss. For some reason you never really got back on track. The forty pounds you lost is great, but you gain ten pounds back.
Things at work are going to change unexpectedly. You already know about the emergancy push for everyone to get their papers in so that the client could cover their ass. What you don't know it that You will end up on night shift for a while, as two of your co-workers get removed from the contract until their paper work gets cleared. The good part is that I get an extra five dollars an hour until I go back to days. Spend the money wisely and continue to get your credit straight.
You will get more and more involved in Church, but be advised that not long after you confide your bdsm lifestyle in the pastor, he will be leaving the church and a new minister will be coming in. Despite your reservation with this new guy, he will turn out to be pretty nice.
Darryl quite drinking a few months ago and you are walking on egg shells, knowing he is going to start drinking at any time. Have more faith in him. He won't start drinking again. He will also come clean with you about the weed. If you want to spare yourself a lot of tears and heartache, don't post stupid ads on craigslist looking for attention from random strangers. even if you never meet with them, you shouldn't be doing it. He will find out and when he does it will forever alter his trust in you. You've already damaged him enough over the years, why go down that path?
Your son Ethan will get into the military. It might not be the branch you have been hoping for, but he gets in the Army. You will be a very proud mom on the day he walks out from graduation in his uniform.
Try to visit your brother Alex a few more times. He will be moving across the country.
You will have to make a big decision when you find out Michael's address in Tennessee.
Location: Maryland
06 November 2015 @ 11:41 pm

I wasn't attracted to you when I first met you.  I was freaked out that you were a man in my personal space.  You were so in my personal space right away moving my limbs about and I can't even remember because I must have dissasociated because I was so uncomfortable.  You quickly put my anxiety at ease when I asked you if you were a personal trainer and you assured me with a confidence that flirted with arrogance, you knew much much more than a personal trainer.

You took a position of authority with me right away and of course I challenged it like I do with authority figures.  You told me, "We are going to be working hard here so you need to come in workout clothes every time."  I was so uncomfortable with being that close to you in that tiny office and your breath was pretty garlicky.  I tried to follow all your instructions and it was so hard but fascinating to learn and listen to how to engage my shoulders properly.

I hated coming to see you, two times a week, for the first month.  It was such an inconvenience!  I wore the wrong "jog pant" one time, it wasn't as stretchy as I thought.. or it had gotten tighter because I was injured and gained a few lbs.. you scolded me!  I reacted again and said, "I made a mistake, you don't have to say it again, it won't happen again."   Nobody ever rubbed those terrible crunchy spots in my neck and shoulders the way you did though at the end of the workouts.  I've gotten professional massages and those 5-10 minutes you seemed to thoughtlessly know where ever tight spot was made me dizzy when I got up, you were the best.  I didn't even think about you in any kind of way until the end of the first month.  You had to keep flirting and flirting.  Maybe you weren't flirting but do you know what it seems like even if I am 8 years older than you?  You sort of teased me about my stunning eyes.  You really seemed to notice my breasts when we were talking about contributions improving my posture.  I think that made both of us uncomfortable though.  Then you really got to me by asking how I got each little bruise and seemed so concerned about paint on me that even looked like it could be a bruise.  Are you that way with all your clients/patients?  Am I delusional?  Then you saw a thumb print bruise on my ankle and that was the one time you didn't ask.  Did you know?  I guess you found out eventually because you watched my vlog all about it and then teased me about that too.

What really started to make me like you so much..Collapse )

01 November 2015 @ 08:26 pm
Dear charming boy I've given way too much grace to,

You told me you were going to spend the rest of your life proving to me that you were worth the wait. I'm still wondering when that guy is going to show up. Also, after all this time... your actions have made it pretty damn hard to believe anything you say.

Just thought you should know.
- That girl you claim to miss / love / want to marry / have a family and a life with
01 November 2015 @ 01:31 pm
Dear ...,

I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.

I can't talk to you because I haven't talked to you in months. I'm afraid to try, afraid that you'll leave me here. I'm afraid that you'll be disappointed in me because I didn't have the courage to say this before. I'm stuck in an endless cycle and only I can pull myself out of this. But I'm too scared.

Please don't be angry with me. This was all my fault, I know, and I've suffered because of it. But, please, don't give me those looks. Please don't punish me even more. I want to fix this - you know I do. I just don't trust you. That breaks my heart, because we should be closer to each other than anyone else in our lives.

It scares me, how fragile relationships can be. We've created a cavernous tear in ours. I'm scared to cross it. But I imagine you are too. Forgive me, and we can do it together.

~ E.
01 November 2015 @ 12:36 am
Dear Brendan,
My, how the years have gone by. I can still remember sixth grade art class when we met. Our seating had been assigned, and at the start of the class we were placed next to each other, strangers. It wasn't long before you and I were inseparable, attached at the hip they'd say. I remember how devastated I was when I found out you were moving, that we wouldn't be going to school together anymore. That was one year later, in the seventh grade. I remember how your family invited me along on your camping trip for Halloween that year. We both dressed like zombies. We sat under the moon and talked the night away, ran through the field, told ghost stories and roasted s'mores. I remember how cold the late-October nights were. We shared a tent, you and I. Do you remember? I remember how we lay side by side, for warmth through the chilly night. I remember waking up and finding you had snuggled next to me in the night. I remember watching you sleep so gently up against me. And I remember how that was the moment you became my first true love.

Do you remember when, in tenth grade, we finally both admitted to each other that we had feelings for the other? You told me we could never act on those feelings. After all, two boys falling in love was expressly forbidden in our small, conservative mid-Atlantic town. We'd surely be discriminated against--mocked, you told me. I remember thinking it was worth it, I remember wishing every night, on every first star, that something would change in your heart and that we may finally have a chance to pursue a romantic relationship with each other. I remember how you told me I'd always be your best friend, but I'd never be anything more than that. Three years later, we're graduated and living three thousand miles from each other, on opposite sides of the country. Funny how things work out, eh? Would you believe me if I told you I still think about you at least once every day? Every now and then you'll call me telling me you're in a new relationship, and I'll have to play the part of supportive best friend. At least until, inevitably, you call me and tell me things didn't work out. I watch you go through girl after girl after girl, looking for the one who will truly make you happy. Brendan, I know everything about you. We shared our childhoods together, we've more in common than anything you could find in a stranger. It's awful that we live in a society where you're afraid of being shunned by the community for having fallen in love. And so I watch you flounder with these girls, and I try to move on, living the length of the United States away from you. But I'll continue to think about you every day, and every day I'll continue to love you.

Your Best Friend.
27 October 2015 @ 12:04 am
Dear R.,

I know it's been years since we've seen each other, but not a day goes by in which I don't think of you. You were my first real love. I wish that circumstances--meaning my moving away--had been much different. Perhaps something could have developed between us. I guess we'll never know now. You have your life now...a wife, perhaps, and some children...and I must bow out of the picture. Having said this, I must in conclusion tell you that I loved you then, I love you now, and I'll love you always.

22 October 2015 @ 10:36 pm
I have not stopped loving you. Not for one single beat of my heart.
Things have changed since my last letter to you my love. I am pining more than any person ever could. I have have not forgotten you. I think of you every second of my waken life.
My last letter, June 29, 1:41 am. I believed that you loved someone else. I can see that it is untrue. I dont know if you would go as far to say that you love me, but I know that you at least care for me.
My love, my sweet, sweet love. I still believe that our love is something that Shakespeare would write, as does everyone. It is still a tragedy. Sweet sweet sorrow. Where art thou my love? We are on two sides of a small town. 20 minute drive. But you seem so much more far. You are at one end of a never ending hallway. I try to run to you, but the hallway expands, and expands, until you are gone.
Your parents are still toilet-lickers.
I would still pronounce you my liege. I would still give you a rose, or a sword. I would probably try to convince you to take the sword, and stab my in the heart with it. My heart, you see, is at maximum capacity. It is filled with overgrowing love, and only you can make it bigger. I am the Grinch. My heart growing smaller, and love growing larger as every day goes by.
I am the Grinch. I am so much so, that I would trade the sun for a chance to spend Christmas with you. To sit by the fire in our big ass sweaters drinking hot chocolate and looking into your eyes. I would trade the stars to spend St Patrick's day with you, and the clouds for Columbus day, and the trees for Thanksgiving, and the ocean for your birthday (I quite like the ocean), and the mountains for new years, and deserts for Martin Luther King day, and the rain forests for Easter, and the arctic for memorial day, and the grass and dirt for Halloween, and one species of animal for every other holiday. Including the weird ones. I would keep the flowers for Valentines day though. I love flowers, but I love you more. I would give up my birthday for the days that dont have holidays, because spending one day with you would be better then 1000 birthdays (I also quite like my birthday).
Did you know that theres a holiday called the Feast of the Immaculate Conception?

From the pining one,
Location: Rexburg, Idaho
Mood: Pining
22 October 2015 @ 11:18 pm
Dear you,

One of the first things you told me is not to say goodbye unless I meant it. Unless it was really the end. Because the last few people you've lost in your life said goodbye to you as their last words. You also kissed me the second I met you. You told me you had strong feelings for me. You told me you weren't going anywhere. You told me you missed me every day you didn't see me. You told me you'd pick up the phone when I called...

You know in my head you're a lot better than you are in reality. And in my heart I have these deep feelings for a different person than who you really are. Because you see... I barely know you! What? Three weeks? Yet enough time to create a picture of who I think you will be. Or to fabricate who you are in my mind. Yet you prove yourself to be far less than my expectations. You don't answer or don't show up when you say you want to see me. Then message me like everything's okay... You think I'm going to keep letting you do that? No. I'm not here for when it's convenient for you. I'm not your doormat. I'm a person. And I deserve to be treated with respect. And I wish I was more important to you than you prove me to be. But hey, I guess I was wrong about you.

17 October 2015 @ 05:30 am

Dear N,

It's been almost two months since I last saw or spoke to you, and you're still on my mind. I can't seem to go a single hour without thinking of you. I know I told myself for a long time that what I felt for you was never anything real, but I think I'm finally starting to realize how wrong I was. God, I miss you so damn much that it's ridiculous.

We weren't really all that close. We were work buddies. We would spend the day goofing off just to pass the time, but there was something like friendship there, maybe some unspoken truths. The way you would get excited when you realized we shared a shift on any day, the way you followed me around everywhere and pulled pranks on me just to make me laugh. I miss that. There were so many days that I couldn't wait to get to work just to see you.

I still remember your blue eyes. I've never seen that shade before. They were the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen. And when you smiled, they lit up even more. It made me weak.

I wonder if you ever got those butterflies in your stomach when you saw me, too.

Towards the end, you seemed to distance yourself from me. I've wondered about that, too. Did you start to recognize my feelings for you? Maybe you had feelings for me, but you knew it wasn't possible since I was  already engaged. I don't know. Maybe I just imagined the whole thing…

I still have your phone number. I've kept our text messages and I look through them occasionally just to get a sense of you. I'm aware that I may never see you again, and maybe that's a good thing, but I can't help but get excited every time I see a car that looks like yours, only to be disappointed when you're not the one behind the wheel. But I would give almost anything to see those blue eyes again…

07 October 2015 @ 07:08 pm
Dear You,

I always wished I was not human. I wanted to be more, special. I didn't care if it was in a freakish way, I just wanted to be different, to be noticed. I wanted to be the strongest, the toughest, the most intelligent, the most beautiful, the most loved of all.

But that didn't happen of course. I had always been average. Average looks, average grades, unremarkable personality, I was one among millions of others. No matter what I tried, I was never good enough. There was always someone better than me.

But then I fell in love. At that moment it didn't matter what others thought of me as long as that person loved me, as long as I was the only one in his eyes. So I did everything I could to make him look my way, and when he did I was the happiest person in the world.

While we were going out I was in heaven, troubled heaven because I was insecure and a novice at the dating thing, but heaven either way. The longer we went out the more I wished for him to care for me. Where he showed reluctance I compensated with my love for him.

However, that kind of onesided love could not last forever, and when it came to an end, my heart was crushed along with it. My love was just not enough, I didn't care enough, I didn't pay enough attention to him, it was my fault that for seven months he had cheated.

Yes cheated, and in the most horrible manner. He chose someone who he knew we shared friends with. As if it didn't matter if I found out. But of course it didn't matter. She was worth it after all. She was beautiful, popular, special.

For seven months people around me started to notice me, but only as the girl whose boyfriend was cheating on. The laughing stock of the school. The one girls wished they never became and boys found stupid.

I was finally special. I didn't know why at the time of course, but I still felt it and it felt good. I loved that people knew my name, that they remembered my face. I was happy that people finally realized that I was there, that I had been there all along.

But then everything came crashing down. He had told her that I was harassing her, that I was a creepy stalker, while telling me the same about her. Then it hit me. He didn't love me, he didn't respect me, he didn't care for me.

We broke up and I finally understood why I was suddenly popular, I wasn't loved, I was just mocked and pitied by them. They didn't see me, they didn't care for me, I was just an interruption of their monotonous life. I had been entertaining for a while.

I was back at square one with a broken heart and a vilified reputation. I felt dirty, humiliated and there was nothing I could do to make it go away, no matter how much I scrubbed, the shame of being an idiot who was easily cheated on didn't go away.

But then I realized that it wasn't my fault. I hadn't done anything wrong apart for trusting him. I had already realized that I didn't need just anyone to find me special, I wanted to feel special for myself.

That was the begining of another chapter of my life, and I liked it better than the first one. I didn't others to feel special, and I certainly didn't need a man to bind me down. I started to live instead of exist.

06 October 2015 @ 08:01 pm
Dear you,
"I know a lot about love. I've seen it. I've seen centuries and centuries of it. And it was the only thing that made watching your world bearable. All those wars. Pain and lies. Hate. Made me want to turn around and never look down again. But to see the way that mankind loves. I mean you can search the furthest reaches of the universe and never find anything more beautiful."
05 October 2015 @ 05:48 am

Dear ...you...who's name has power over me ... so I cant use it

In high school you walked into life and annoyed the hell out of me, drove me nuts until I went out with you and became one of my best friends ...and I saw I was wrong about some of that stuff too, you were sweet and dorky, you walked with me... drove me crazy trying to love me and we talked and you brought me flowers you picked from your moms lawn... and other really sweet things. But, you did some really stupid and shitty things too. Things that hurt me so deeply... then we broke up... I was so hurt and mad and everything else I swore I'd never talk to you again ...my mom told me I should have just gone over to your house and just find out what happened...I didn't... and I regret that decision forever even as I watched you move on with your life, I moved on with mine... almost 10 years to the day later you're fixing my car for me in your driveway last September... and I fell in love with you again...

I had my best friend back...I had a year where I had my best friend, the other half of my soul ... someone I could talk too, someone I could be myself again... and I could be happy in a way no one outside could ever know.

You told me when you found out I got married you were sick ... that you still loved me ... how you tried to get together with me but never wanted to just stop by where I worked because you thought it would be weird. I wished you did ... I mean, I kinda blew you off all those other years but you never really tried either ... and I was never in the area ... then the car broke and I couldn't fix it ...you did ... a 4 hour job took almost 12. I kissed you ... From then it was like the good times again, with the legos and the hiking and the drinks by the falls ... I was happy again... for the first time since my nervous breakdown I was truly happy.

It's been a year. I had an amazing year... I thought you did too ... we had plans we wanted to do .... your family started to fall apart, I got laid off from work and had to find a new job... you told me if I was serious that all of the changes would have been done by now. You twisted my words ...you stopped talking to me. We talked pretty much all day, everyday for a year ... then you cut me off, you wouldn't reply ... you abandoned me. It took weeks to get an answer. When you did it was mean ... it was mean like it was when you told me it wasn't worth the gas money to come out to see me only for a few hours ... I'm not that far away ... it was mean when you told me that you couldn't waste your time caring about a girl whos not yours yet either ... It was mean everyday when you tell me how much my work schedule sucks ... yes... I work either 3rd or early 1st shift. You work at the autoparts store... You have bankers hours ... I get it. 3rdshift is hard for people, but it can be made to work. You don't have to tell me how much my job sucks, and my hours suck. I don't do that to you...

 When you told me you didn't want to deal with my baggage from my last relationship because it wouldn't be fair to you...

it was hateful. Spiteful... mean...and it was uncalled for from someone I thought was my best friend...someone I thought wouldn't hurt me, someone I thought I was getting to know once again on a level that was going to lead to something.

I went over to your parents house, my mom took me. I was there for more than an hour. When you asked me if I talked to them I said yes... I said I got my books back... you didn't want to leave them at my moms house and thats okay...since you said it was like I didn't want to see you. Are you blind? Of course I did.. but you stoped talking to me. You shut me out, and shut me down...I never understood. I spent my only day off at the Junkyard with you in September and then you tell me I don't want to see you? I gave you a beautiful present I made ...

 ... I found out that you've had a girlfriend for about 2 weeks... You hooked up with her pretty much on the day I was in New York City in the biggest event of my life so far... the day you told me that I said you were a disappointment when all I tried to say was that I was disappointed I can never get a straight answer out of you.

It's not about her, that girl...you shattered me. I am recovering... You lied to me. You just decided it was easier to be the coward and shut me out than tell me the truth. I told you always if you found someone to just tell me, and go have fun ... instead of that... you decided to be mean. Now I am picking myself up slowly. . I took my books back, and the photobook I made you, the one that I gave you on the junkyard morning as an "un-aversary present. Your dad gave it to me. It was sitting on the kitchen table still in the opened wrapping paper. On the kitchen table... the Van Halen shirt was on the floor. I wanted to take that too but I thought it would be mean. Your dad thought I thought have that book back too, because I gave it to you under "false pretences" since none of us knew...I left it at my moms house. I don't want to see it... and I kinda wonder if you'll ever know it's gone.

You never told me, You said you were hanging out with friends...and then you mentioned this girl and you're "kinda together" or something. I always told you the truth...But, in the same sentance you told me I'm still your best and dearest friend. I don't think you know what those words mean. Your parents think you're losing your mind. They think you've gotten nasty and mean... They think you're kinda crazy now too because none of this makes sense.

yeah. Home sucks. I get it ... but your behaviour is insane.

10 years later I see you are still the same person that you were ... I see I was fooled last year...I see my heart broken and my dreams damaged...I see a new depression that reminds me of my breakdown and the medication and the hospitals.... but I will not let you hurt me anymore, I will not let you twist me anymore, I will NOT let you turn me inside out. Each day I will recover more from this ... each day I will let you hurt me less ... and one of these days I will tell you how this is why we will never get to be together.

Because now I cannot trust you...and I will miss my best friend for the rest of my life ... because although you say we're going to get together again ... I know that is not true... I am tired of hurting because of you. I am tired of the pain you have caused me. I am sad I let my guard down and now I have things about myself Ive found and now i have to find other answers or solutions to them.

I will always love you...but...I cant let anyone have this kind of power over me anymore.


P.s: Im glad we didn't go all the way ... no matter how much I wanted too ... I think I'd feel worse like that. but you didn't need to like, fool around with me while you were with her either. Now I know you're a cheater too.

Mood: lost
Music: The Blanks, Somewhere Over The Rainbow
27 September 2015 @ 09:17 pm
Dear Ex,

I never really realized how much impact you would have on my life, or at least what kind of impact it would be. I knew you were different from the second we talked, but I didn't expect it to turn out like it did. I thought we were going to make it...I thought we would be in love forever, that we would have adventures and have babies and live a beautiful life together.

All of that being said, I really want to thank you for breaking my heart.

You were, by far, the center of my world while we were together. That's definitely where I went wrong. When we broke up, it tore me up from the inside out, but I know now what I'm capable of and how to get through difficult things, and I also know what it means to love yourself.

The thing is, I found security and self-worth in you, when I should have been finding it within myself. I let you be my source of happiness, my source of hope, my source of life, and that's why it broke me when we split. White we both contributed to the breakup, I really think a lot of the pain that I felt was self-inflicted. As much as I blamed you for it, and as much as I wish I could still blame you for it, I know it hurt so badly because I LET it hurt me so badly. That's not your fault. It's mine.

As much as I wanted to marry you, as much as I wanted forever with you, I'm so grateful it didn't happen. You taught me how to love, how to fight, and, ironically enough, how to let go when it is the last thing I want to do. You taught me how to find strength when I felt like I couldn't even get up in the mornings.

I will always love you in some way. I will always remember you, and I will always care about you. You were, without a doubt, my first love. I'm sorry for what happened between us. I used to wish I could take it back, but now I've learned to be grateful for the time we had together, even if it was hell to get over. The saying, "build a bridge and get over it" has no consideration for how hard it is to build the bridge. That being said, it feels damn good to look back and see that giant, beautiful bridge behind you.

I still think about you daily. I'm not about to say a word to you, but I hope you feel me thinking of you sometimes. I hope you are able to look back and see me in a positive light, just as I see you now.

I am so thankful for you and the time we had. I hope to goodness you find someone who loves you endlessly. I also hope you find security in YOURSELF because THAT is the single greatest feeling in the world.

We both had our issues, and I'm sorry for my part. You'll never know these things, since you don't want to hear from me, but it's the thought that counts.

More than anything...I hope you are happy.

Thank you for everything.

25 September 2015 @ 05:09 pm
I can't apologize enough.
We haven't talked in over two years, by my choice when we were best friends not so long ago. I still think of you as a best friend and it kills me knowing that I chose not to answer that faithful phone call that I'd get every thursday night, knowing that I can no longer call you and sing Happy Birthday to you twice a year (you know, once in May and once in December), knowing I can no longer see you in Maryland, our freezing hours-long walks through the neighborhood which only seemed to pass by like minutes til we both realized it was only 3 am. It kills me that I am no longer a friend to you like I once was and you have no clue how badly I want to reach out to you again, hug you again, make you laugh until your sides hurt again.

You unexpectedly kissing me in the basement years ago when I was dating someone else (as much of a piece of shit as he was) let me know just how deeply you felt about me, no matter how much you hid it. After he was gone, I had a choice to make but it would never be the right one. You knew how I felt and I only felt that I would be leading you on if I continued our contact with each other while I was dating someone new. I was understanding and stepped back when you dated L as not only was she your first real girlfriend, but jeopardizing your relationship was the last thing I wanted. I'm hoping--on some level--that you can be understanding of mine as well, in spite of the time frame.

I can say none of this to you as I fear it would make you angry and push you even further away. Our contact now is non-existent but the line of communication I will never allow to completely close. I still have a tiny glimmer of hope that we will be able to talk again. As we would say to each other on the phone, I love you. If you're reading this, I'm hoping you've read it to the end.

I still have Manly. I hope you still have the key.
23 September 2015 @ 02:42 pm
I've long given up having a diary for some reason. 1. someone seem to find it and would read it and be judgemental and angry because I've written about the things that i couldn't say to them. 2. i'd be ridiculed for having one. I stopped but then here I am finding some comfort in having your words written and having that hope that future you would be reading this and you'd be able to tell yourself that you got through this and will be able to go through more obstacles. I've been feeling so lonely lately. Being an introvert, atheist, and married to someone who thinks I'm a joke and don't take me seriously and find me boring. I've given up my friends and so much things and so here I am trying to make the person I am with the little pieces left of what I have. The only thing that really keeps me going is having my son. He is the only thing that I really love so much right now and he just brighten ups my day. I feel needed and important to him. He has become my world and it is terrifying that I have in my hand a precious person and I have to do my best and give my all for him to not be tired of making me feel like I needed to exist. For now I'm putting on this mask of a strong and happy person but the truth is inside I'm not. But for the sake of my son I'll wear any mask.
Mood: lonelylonely
19 September 2015 @ 09:12 pm
To the person who occupies my mind,

I guess you really did make youself at home in my brain from the moment I met you. Though I never realised it and when I did it was too late, this unknown feeling had spead and couldn't be contained.

The me who had never liked someone before hated my current self who was unable express my emotions honestly. Every moment you showed some affection I would pass it off as a joke. Every hug, every kiss, I pushed it to the furtherest part of my thoughts, dissmissing them.

When I realised I wanted to give things a try, it was too late.

I was scared to take the first steps, I wanted your full love and attention. I was hesitant. You were surrounded by girls and people, I was just one of those people. I wanted more, but every time I saw you with other people I was reminded that I was the one of the many.

I was caught like a fish in a net.

When I wanted to erase these feelings, every day that passed  when I would try to move on and forget, I was Instantly dragged back by a sudden display of affection. Days could pass without a word from you. But all the effort went down the drain all from one message. It was a vicious cycle.

I was tired. I am tired.

You who said you didn't like titles. You who got sad when you saw a photo of me on facebook with a friend. You who took days off and invited me to 'hang out'. You who gave me the cold shoulder when we were with certain people. When I thought "even if we are 'hanging out', its ok, as long as it was just the two of us" you invited your co worker to dinner, the three of us. My positions with you changed from a cuddling partner to an unwanted third wheel at dinner in only a matter of hours.

I was confused and so lost. It hurt.

I wanted answers but was unable to convey my questions properly.

I asked myself why I still associated myself with you while another girl clung onto your arms infront of me. I wondered why we had to keep the things we do a secret. I asked myself which part of your words I could trust. Were the moments we shared special or was it something you showed to every girl.

I hated myself for the lack of experience.

I thought I could be your super glue for the broken you, but I ended up broken too.

I hated myself for not being as aggressive as the other girls in terms of showing affection. But I was also conflicted, if I did that too wouldn't that make me into one of those girls on your trail? not that I'm not one already.

I hated your sweet words and empty promises. I tried to be patient and dismiss your late replies.I looked to you to take the lead because I was lost and maybe you did too, I don't know, I longed for some sort of affirmation that proved these feelings I felt were mutual. We were/are in a wild goose chase. It did cross my mind that I was being played and maybe I made you feel that way too, I dont know.

I wanted to clear things up, but I don't get to see you often. I wanted to talk it out but you don't stay on long enough to have a smooth conversation. I wanted you to stop with anything that might cause me to think we have something, but at the same time I craved so badly for it. In the beginning I though I could just go with the flow, but it hurts too much to do so anymore. I am grasping at my last straws.

I want to be free of all this sadness, but I'm not strong enough to break free.

I set myself a deadline. My last day. I will move on somehow.

In the back of my head I think I would always have that nagging thought that 'if I had been more honest with my feeling, things would be different'. This is only my first time, I will remember and if another special person comes into my life, I would hold onto them more tightly this time round and be completely honest with my feelings. Like I said on your card, " I'm learning as I go". Maybe later on down the road I would look back and fondly remember everything without pain nor sadness. I await this day.

I hope to see you soon to clear things out.

Yours truely,
18 September 2015 @ 12:18 am

Dear J,
I fucking hate you.  I hope you're dead. 

Dear God,
I'm sorry I hate him.  Please help me.  Almost to 4 months since breakup.  Help me get over the hump.  Help me want better.  Help me love myself sooner rather than later.  Please send me a healthy relationship in 9 more months.   Please heal me and ready me for healthy relationship by then too.  (Perfunctory, If it's in your will)  please help me sleep tonight.  Thanks.  I love you. 

16 September 2015 @ 01:36 am
Dear you,

It's been a couple of months since we cut all ties but today I saw your name. I can't help but to feel my insides burn whenever I think about this whole deal. You were my best friend, I trusted you, I cared about you, and I sincerely thought our friendship was great. I loved you that much to the point I overlooked the fact that you were in love with my partner. For years you acted selfishly towards us to the point where I couldn't even hold hands with my loved one in front of you -it just didn't feel right-. I tried to be a friend of my partner when we were around you, I couldn't show any affection, any love, something that was hard for me and for my lover, but still, we tried to make you feel included, we didn't want to make you feel out of place.

For seven fucking years, for seven fucking years we tried and it just pisses me off because, it's not your fault either I suppose. My partner told me since the very beginning, when this whole deal began "maybe we should stop talking to him but I thought that it was so unfair, I thought it would just make things worse and I sincerely hoped that it was just going to be something you would get over with. And here we are, almost eight years later, and still, you are still in love (or obsessed, I don't even know anymore).

This got to a point were you made me feel doubtful of your intentions not only towards my partner but also towards me. It made me question everything about our friendship... up to what point did you felt like getting in my relationship and breaking it? did you ever feel like hurting me? did you ever feel like you wanted me out of the picture? I'm running all of these questions in my head because you clearly told me you started to feel negative things about me but you didn't specify... and I wonder, just how negative? And let's not even discuss some of the things you did and you thought about doing, that I overlooked because I thought you were brave by confessing your inner demons and because of how much I cared about you, but when I put all of those things in perspective, if those things you did and you wanted to do would've been directed at me, shit, I don't think I would've wanted you in my life.

I care about you, I think that's the hardest part... but I will never trust you. I don't doubt you cared about me but I wonder if you used me, I wonder if you hated me at some point... I also wonder if you ever thought I wasn't good enough for my partner and that you deserved to be in my position... I wonder many things.

When I decided to break up this sick relationship, I wrote you many things. I tried to be calm and wrote in a very formal format to you. I didn't want to hurt your feelings (even though I knew that inevitably my decision was going to hurt you), so I tried to keep it as simple as possible while making sure you knew my decision was not because I didn't love you anymore but because our relationship was not healthy for any of us. Not that my feelings towards you have changed (I still care about you) but I wish I could yell at you. I think you always were a coward and never handled things properly; always at a distance, never face to face. I wish you could see how frustrated and hurt you make me feel.

You disappointed me. We had good times together and I really thought we were always going to be friends but I guess I was an idiot for believing such thing.
16 September 2015 @ 01:16 am
Dear you,

If you ever reach out, and why would you?

But if you did.

I'd write something like this:

I don't think you need to talk to me, so I'd rather leave you alone. I came to some conclusions in order to get through the last two months and I'm holding onto them because they are working to some degree.

Don't get me wrong. I like you more than anyone, and you know that. But I am clumsy with the whole friendship thing. Always have been and don't want to bother you with it. I prefer not to talk, I write instead.

We had some good times and exchanges this year though. I want to thank you for that, sincerely.
12 September 2015 @ 03:30 pm
Dear Asshole who almost hit and ran me over,

It is so sad that you consider your car and a parking space to be more important than another living person and/or being. I have your license plate written down so you better hope you don't make the same fecking mistake again. Because, if you do, and I am there and I see it, I will report it and you to the police and I will make damn sure that you have your license pulled and that you never drive again. And I will make sure that you receive a nice long stay in a prison cell.

So the next time, Mr. Asshole, that you decide that your stupid-ass hurry to get the first parking space is more important than the life of another living being: consider living the rest of your miserable-ass life in a jail cell. And consider having your insurance and savings leached away by my family and my relatives or me. And consider paying my medical expenses and MUCH MORE!!

So. Have a shitty day Mr. Asshole.

The Carryout You Almost Hit And Ran Over
Location: Home
Mood: aggravatedaggravated
Music: Radio