25 May 2015 @ 01:56 am
Dear Baby Christian,

It is almost your 12th birthday. Me and daddy think of you every single day! We often dream of what you would be like. Would you have had my eyes? Would you have more of me or dads personalty? I secretly hope you are more like me. You would be half way through middle school this year. Your tree is beautiful, it has lots of flowers starting to bloom. This year me and dad are going to plant another tree in your memory. I hope you love it! There is so much we missed my dearest son. I never got to hold you or kiss you or see your beautiful face. Mommy knows you are watching over her and daddy every day. I know one day you will send me a very special baby hand picked by you. It is always rough for us on your birthday. This year we are taking a vacation to Niagara Falls. If only you were here to enjoy it with us but I know you will be watching over us. You will be there in our hearts like always. My heart aches for you every day Christian. I am not sure how I have managed without you for twelve long years. I just hold on to the memories I do have of you. I remember the day I found out I was pregnant. I was so excited and so was the rest of your family. I loved you the second I got to see your little body on the monitor. I got to hear your strong heart beat. We went straight to grandmas house to tell her she was going to be a grandma. She was excited and scared at the same time. I was so sick I thought I was going to die. You would never let me keep anything down for long. The day came when we got to go to the doctor to find out if you were a boy or a girl. Me and dad had a bet going. He thought you were a girl but I knew you were a boy. It would only be a few days later that you had stopped moving. We called the doctors because I was afraid something happened to you. You were so active all the time so when I woke up the next morning to blood I knew something was wrong. Me, daddy and grandma all went to the doctor and they confirmed you had been dead for a few days. Your little heart stopped beating. They told me I would need surgery to have you removed from my tummy. We were all so sad and scared. I didn't know what to expect but the OB was so nice he explained to me that I would go check into the hospital then they would prep me for surgery so they could cut you out of me. Mommy had never felt so alone in her whole life. I was only 16 and I was scared. You were my hopes and dreams and my future. What was I going to do without you in my life. They checked me in and got all the IVs and other things started they gave me some medicine to calm down and they tried to give me an epidural but it wouldn't take. They told me they were going to have to put me to sleep and that no one was allowed in the operating room. I remember when I woke up I just wanted to see you. I wanted to hold you, to kiss you. I wanted to see you to know you were real not just a thought or a feeling I had. I needed you. The doctor came in and explained to me that I had hemorrhaged during the c section and they had to cut you out in pieces. It was the most horrifying news I have ever received. I would never get to see you, hold you, kiss you. Dad was beside my side the whole time. He was very upset. They didn't give him the option to see you either. He was very angry with the doctor but he had to save my life. I was angry at the time but I know now why they had to do what they did. I will always dream of you my sweet baby boy. Not a day goes by that I don't think of you. Daddy thinks of his baby boy every day too. I know one day you will send me a baby hand picked by you. I have been waiting patiently my son. I know you are waiting for the perfect one. I love you and I know one day when I get to heaven I will finally get to hold you and kiss you. In the mean time you are alive in me and daddy's hearts. We love you our dearest Christian Foster Friedel. I miss you baby and I always know you are here with me. Mommy loves you and until we meet again my son.

Love Always,
Your Loving Mommy and Daddy
Location: Home
Mood: sadsad
Music: A Fighter
23 May 2015 @ 10:06 am
Dear Great Aunt of mine in Virginia,

Oh my goodness! You have no idea how exited I am to see you after all of these years! Many things have changed, with most of those changes being positive ones. I cannot wait to see you and tell you all about the positive changes!

Seeing and visiting you will be like coming home for the very first time after a very VERY long trip! I can't wait to see the mountains again, to feel grass beneath my bare feet, and to breathe the fresh, invigorating mountain air! Not to mention the colorful birds and wildlife and flowers. Oh my gosh, the birds, flowers and wildlife! I will take plenty of photos!

I love and miss you and I can't wait to see you and the rest of the family menagarie again.


Your great niece
Mood: excitedexcited
Music: None but the radio.
16 May 2015 @ 02:28 pm
Dear LJ or Google Chrome or who ever is doing this annoying trick,

Please stop leaving the page as I am typing up an entry. Cause also when you do that, it also conveniently forgets to save as a draft. Thus, I have to re-type everything. Which is SUPER irritating. Just don't do it.

Not amused,
- babygrl7296
08 May 2015 @ 09:41 am
Dear Brooke-Manager,
Thank you so much for the nice placard and pen, commemorating my five (5) years of service for, and dedication to, the Safeway Company. I really appreciate it and have the placard and pen tucked away safely in a special honorary place in my room. The day you presented it to me was the best day of my life and to me, that's very special indeed. There are no words to describe how happy and special it made, and is still making, me feel. I hope to repay you for your kindness and patience someday, Brooke. Right now I am unable to do an art piece of appreciation for you because I am working on one for another employee, Mr. B. But once I am done with his piece, I will work on yours.

I really enjoy working with you.


Your fellow employee
Mood: awakeawake
05 May 2015 @ 09:17 pm
Dear you,
  You're supposed to be gone. I've seen you "log on" twice in the last few days. I could of even sworn I saw you at my work today. I calmed myself down by saying that there is no way that is even possible. Then I saw the same person walk by with a little boy. I just saw the back of the boy's head... but that could have totally passed for your son. I know it's not possible... you don't even live in the same state. But with everything that has gone on... I just don't know how to handle all this. I know it can't be you... but is it? What's going on?

Confused and curious,
01 May 2015 @ 03:25 am
dear you,

you have no idea how close you came to seeing me unravel in front of you today. what you were saying hit so close to home... i don't even know how to tell you how hard it's been to keep it together.

you might have reminded me why i've chosen this career - to make a difference in people's lives in the unlikeliest of places and ways. you might also have reminded me that doing anything right is hard and there are so many ways we can fail. i don't know... i don't have the answers. i had to have an answer for you, but i don't have the answers.

this is a job worth following but the life behind it doesn't always end up the way we want it to. please don't turn out like me.

30 April 2015 @ 04:29 pm
Dear You,

I love you so, so, so, so much. You've treated me better than anyone I've ever known; my parents, friends, everyone. Sometimes we argue and we aren't the best towards each other, but you treat me like a princess 99% of the time. You spoil me to make up for all of the abuse and neglect I've experienced from my parents. You would do anything to make me happy. You want to get engaged, but you just don't have the money for a ring and I keep pushing you and annoying you and I'm so sorry. It doesn't excuse my behavior but I just do it because I want to marry you so badly. I don't need a big wedding. I just want you.

The past 5.5 years together have been heaven. Sometimes, you're so great I feel like I don't deserve you. I'm going to put more effort into doing nice things for you and listening to you. You're seriously the best. I love how you act, dress, smell, look, talk, think, study, learn, have fun, everything. We are one another's #1 fan and best friend. You saved my life. I love you.


Mood: peacefulpeaceful
26 April 2015 @ 12:04 pm
Dear Dog Owner Of Yesterday and myself, I am sorry that I was oogling at your black Labrador/Pitbull and your black German Shepherd/Labrador dogs. I was simply admiring them. However, the reason I am apologizing is because I was admiring your dogs so much that I had a LOL moment as a result. I had just turned around just in time to see my right shoulder bump into a supposedly ''spineless'' Prickly Pear cactus dish. It didn't hurt at first and I am sure that, since the dish was knocked to the ground, I did more damage to the cactus than it did to me. So I should apologize to the plant owner as well, which I will do tomorrow morning when I go walking again. However, I spent most of the day pulling out cactus needles with duct tape and a pair of tweezers! I guess that's what happens when I don't watch where I put and/or place my feet lol! I am sharing this because I thought this might give everyone a good laugh! I know it did me now that I think of it! Sincerely, The Clutzy Girl Who Walked In To A Cactus
Location: Home
Mood: amusedamused
Music: Tangerine Dream: The Great Wall Of China
10 April 2015 @ 02:30 pm
I finally figured out what all of this was about. Why you seemed to be torturing me while at the same time, I was absolutely in love with you.

Maybe you weren't clear about it, but you wanted something from me just as bad as I needed it from you. We were driving home and we hadn't seen each other in a while. I was trying to avoid you that week, but for that one night, it just felt right.

While you were dropping me off, I was trying to encourage you about why I wanted to write and why it was important to me, no matter what. You asked me why I was so try hardy, why I cared so much about the world and my place in it, why I was so passionate.
It hurt me so much. "Why can't you just accept me as I am?"

I started to cry and I couldn't hold back anymore. This happy go lucky chick you knew was finally unveiling herself, coming apart in a waterfall of tears. You always knew I was a mess anyway.

"I'm just afraid that if I don't make myself known in some way, I'm just going to disappear. I feel so in my head, so far away from everyone, that I have to remind people that I'm real and I exist and assert my importance. And it scares me because I'm always afraid of losing people. I've never had a group of friends for very long, only here and there, and it makes me think there's something wrong with me. And then I just end up floating from one place to the next, a wanderer because there's nothing holding me back, nothing holding me down."

I had released my deepest fear to you. The fear of being disconnected.

"I get that, I do," you said. And then you gave me the biggest hug and it made everything feel okay. To know that someone else felt like that.

And I felt this tension release between us, where you finally figured me out. I wasn't hiding anymore and you weren't either. We were both vulnerable and it finally felt like we have solved this puzzle we had been trying to solve for those long months. The puzzle of each other and what we could learn from eachother.

It's like we're two parts of the same coin, you and I. It's this bizarre connection. I know I should just let go and stop asking "Why are you here!" I guess I need something to justify letting you stay in my life, but I honestly don't know how to get out. It's like you're everywhere.

The one day I decided I was completely finished, you wouldn't stop texting me. And I just thought, "of course, fucking Christ, this would happen." Of course when I decided to fuck all, you would snap back. "Why won't you go away!?" I think back to myself, and then I can't stop laughing as I think back to one of our moments where we were making jokes and couldn't stop laughing. From our hours spent talking in the car and harmonically connecting our lives.

What's great is that I'm not attached anymore. Love without attachment is good, it's grounded, and grounded is what I need.

My friend says that we have a great connection. She tells me that I need to start flirting with you. But I know boundaries, and I don't want you to lose faith in our friendship or think I have some kind of agenda.
We will see. For now, I am a free bird. But you will always be where I come back to nest.
09 April 2015 @ 05:38 pm
You are a hazard to my life that I can't stop coming back to. You, as a community, was stifling and restrictive -- I always felt that I never measured up to some invisible standard, and even to others, new to the community and only wanting for reassurance, you never gave it to them. You told them to "come back when you're better," never thinking that perhaps you were their first and that they are wanting for advice, con-crit, anything but you showing them the door and a not-real smile of apology.

You've come back, after your site died. I almost went back too. I need to let you go.

Please get out of my life so that I can stop thinking about you and move on,

- me
31 March 2015 @ 07:29 am

It been 14 years. I've never gotten over you. Maybe I never will. I went up to the cliff with a black sharpie.  "I need to let you go" I carefully wrote on stone. It made me sad to write it.
You are starting to fade after all these years. Sometimes I go weeks without remembering you. I don't dream about you any more.
I wonder if you even remember my name.

28 March 2015 @ 03:40 pm
When I first saw you, it was the first time anyone gave me butterflies. I found you familiar, yet difficult to decipher. At first, you were so hard to get to know, but I wanted to know you so bad. It hurt to not know you, to hold back my curiosity, but just as bad when you didn't seem to want to know me.

Then, one day, I got up the guts to finally tell you that I was into you. Like I wanted you and and I wanted all of you. And though the sane thing to do would have been to just say, "I like you", I told you the truth which is "I want you." And I did want you. I wanted all of you. I'd never been turned on by some one just by their mere presence. I wanted to touch you so badly, to consume you with a wave on intoxicating passion. But we were also drunk, so even though you gave me the most passionate kiss when I told you, I had to figure that I was living in a fantasy if you actually felt the same way. And you didn't and you wanted to forget about it. Like the whole thing never happened.

I hated you for a while, mostly because I didn't know why I was still hung up on you. I wanted the feeling to go away and not care at all. But it kept aching in me, this longing for you. Could it be an obsession? I hate that word because it makes it seem voluntary, but this was such an involuntary feeling that I had. I wanted you.

But I also knew that if you were not going to be companion, my lover, or someone who was even remotely interested in dating me, I had to accept friendship. It was either that or cutting you out of my life, which I just couldn't handle.

So we began talking. And our talks were intense. They were always intense and not on purpose. This really used to bother you, you told me, and you hated my passion. And who hates someone who is passionate and intense? People who don't know how to handle their own emotions. I should have hated you for this right? After blowing off my romantic gesture and then telling me this bothered you, why would I want to be friends? Insanity maybe? Was I prone to attracting fucked up narcissists who hated positive sexy lovely women in their life? And why would this particular woman want this kind of man? What the fuck is wrong with me?

So when I did the logical thing which was to distance myself from you, something unexpected happened. You became more tied to my life. We knew the same people, we took the same route to work, we loved the same movie and foods, we were both reading books.

You were always a mystery, like every conversation we had was reading a new chapter of a great book. And so became our friendship, built on this collection of stories that defined who we were. And then finally, after months of having these conversations, you finally told me about your family. You never wanted to talk about your history and it drove you crazy when I wanted to know. But suddenly, it was like the floodgates opened up and I was seeing you for the first time. And you sat there and told me these things, tearing up a little as you spoke (which, for the record, I loved you for more than ever). I really appreciated that you would confide in me like this. It gave me so much background into who the person I was staring at was. And you said how appreciative you were that I was there, letting you say all these things that you really needed to say. And I was so in love with you. Just so in love with you. I sat there and listened, just so appreciative of you and loving you just as you were.

And god, how I wish it would click for you the way it did for me. I would literally rock your world, I swear to god. Especially when you told me how you've never had good sex. And in my mind, I say to myself, "I am the QUEEN of sex." And I don't mean to say that in a conceited manner. But just hearing that, I want to give you the time of your life in bed. I want to spend hours on end immersing myself in you. I want to collide with you in ways you've never been with another human being. I want to dive into your system and make you feel whole. I have to confess this since it's the one thing I can't tell you. I can tell you I care about you, I can tell you how much you mean, but I can never tell you the amount of pleasure I truly want to give you. The way I love your body, the way you turn me on with just the thought of you. You are seriously a sex bomb. How do you not know this?!?!

I know that if anything more than friendship were supposed to happen between us, you would have done something by now. Even though I've kept myself from giving you any indication of me being in love with you, our interactions are enough that something would would have happened naturally. I'm so hurt by this, but at the same time, if you don't see the beauty in me that I see in you, maybe we aren't meant to be together. Maybe its just not the right fit.

But despite that, I am so grateful that you are in my life. As cheesy as it sounds, you balance me out. You bring to me all these things that I haven't considered myself, and I'm sure I've done the same for you. Seeing you grow as a person is fulfilling, knowing I can be there for you, having these enlightening conversations that bring so much passion, joy, and juicy goodness to the world.

I'm doing my best to see these things and not try to focus on the fact that you may not feel about me the way I feel about you. And it's really hard when people assume we're a couple, which happens a lot. Little things like that leave holes to question, "what if we do have a romantic connection and he's suppressing it?" Or how you told me that you reminded me of your mother. (And then i associate it with that old thought: don't boys love girls who are like their mothers?)

So our relationship will never be about how I DIDN'T get something. I feel that our friendship has brought about more feelings and more growth than any romantic relationship would. I'm hoping that the reason for you presence in my life reveals itself at some point, because I don't think I would have these feelings for you if there weren't something behind it.

So I'm being patient and letting the cards fall how they will. I know I can never tell you these things because even though it's very difficult for me, I don't want to lose the friendship that we have because of my attraction to you. Maybe some day I can handle letting go, but not for now. I have to appreciate anything I can get and it makes me appreciate you all the more.

I love you. I really hope that some day you can see yourself the way that I see you. I hope you fall in love with yourself. And maybe someone else, but I really can't think about that right now because it hurts so much. To image you with another woman. But I want to see you happy above all. Please please know that I love you. And that whenever you need me, whatever you need me for, I am there. I am all yours.
Mood: melancholymelancholy
27 March 2015 @ 04:14 am

Dear Dad,

It feels strange to even refer to you as that. To me, "Dad" is just my very simple idea of you, how I remember you when you were still here. It's already been twelve years, and the more time passes the more that idea feels less real. It's strange to witness the way other people use the word "Dad", when talking to their father on the phone or such. I think I like my version better. It seems warmer somehow. I guess what you've become to me at this point in time is a cherished memory.

Read more...Collapse )

24 March 2015 @ 09:02 pm
I’ve started this in many forms and in many drafts over the years. Every time I think I’ve written it perfectly I go back and change the message. The funny thing is, I’ve got to watch the evolution of this letter as I go through the five stages and I think I’m at the end. Seven years ago, you told me that the person I thought I knew was dead and I think you’re right in a way. That sweet, kind, and beautiful girl is surely dead but my mental image of her is what I was grieving. The opportunity to meet her again is what helped pull me out of that war zone. The opportunity to meet her again is what caused me to fight the way I did. Having gone through hell, you can imagine why I was so angry that you shut me out. Maybe it was for the best, could you ever really live up to the expectations I placed on you? I guess we’ll never know. Whoever you are now, you look happy….I guess that’s all that matters.

Mood: empty
Music: ocean sounds
22 March 2015 @ 06:07 am

Dear Joel,

I don't even know why I'm writing this. Perhaps it's because I'm bored. Perhaps it's because I feel like I have so much to say to you, so much that you don't want to hear. Perhaps it's because I've learned that some things are better off kept to ones-self, or at least from you.

Read more...Collapse )

21 March 2015 @ 11:32 pm
Dear you,
I don't understand why you feel the need to shove yourself into my relationship and into peoples lives. You clearly have no respect for me, and I'm sure you would have me pushed out of the picture if you had it your way. Your always there now, always micro-managing, always waiting for the right moment to share a passive-aggressive comment and then make yourself look innocent. I can't stand people like you. I can't stand YOU. I want to be with him, I want to marry him, have babies with him, grow old with him - and I don't want you trying to complicate that. So stop trying to make the world think your a saint, like your the best big sister and the best daughter. Before anyone can respect you, YOU have to respect others. Which means not buying my boyfriend, your brother, a lap dance in front of me...I will never forgive you for that. Ever. I hope that you can take a moment to realize that your not the center of the universe, and take a step back from my life.
K thanks. XOXO, DARLING.
- Your not-so-lucky future sister-in-law
21 March 2015 @ 09:36 am
Dear Mr. Eyeglasses,

I was really amazed on your thesis defense and presentation that day. You were the coolest guy I've ever met since I went to college. I was so inspired by your work! You're so damn cool I wanna hug you!

I promised myself that I will be better than you in the future. I will also claim the Best Thesis Award when I take my Thesis course. I will be the best leader, best programmer, best computer scientist ever!

You have revived my soul for computers once again. Thank you so much!
I hope we could meet again, someday.

Congratulations! Best Wishes!

Your Admirer,
Mood: determineddetermined
10 March 2015 @ 05:22 pm
I love you and I probably will always have something for you.
But I am now sick of feeling like I'm someone you go to when everyone else has gotten bored of you.
I am better than that.
Goodbye to you, for real this time.

04 March 2015 @ 11:02 pm
Dear Safeway/Starbucks employee,
I am so glad that you left the Safeway Grocery Store Company. We-your fellow co-workers-were so tired of your drama as well as you causing drama. I am sorry that you felt like management was treating you like a two-year-old, but more than half the time you deserved it because, well duh, you acted like a toddler. Bitching and throwing fits when you don't get your way will get you nowhere hun. Hope you learn that soon. And tell your 72-year-old father and four-year-old daughter that I and my fellow co-workers feel sorry for them because their daughter/mother is nothing but a fucking back-stabbing drama queen. And good luck finding a job that is willing to put up with your shit.


A courtesy clerk who doesn't want you back
Mood: apatheticapathetic
03 March 2015 @ 06:58 pm
Rant Mode ON:
Yes, I know your loved one is probably dying. But the intensive care unit's waiting room is NOT where you should be holding the wake. Also? Pro tip: Hold off on the party until he's actually dead.
03 March 2015 @ 02:27 am

Dear Bobby,
I've done all that I can at this point, and it just doesn't seem to be enough for you. Maybe you're realizing now what kind of damage your actions are capable of causing, or maybe you just don't care. I don't have the slightest idea what goes on in your mind because you never say how you feel. You never said it when it mattered and could have saved us, and you still won't say it, when it has the ability to save me.

You know you messed up. You know you hurt me. I guess I can't say that you don't care, because if you didn't, you would be allowing yourself to just keep hurting me. I find it funny though that now is when you decide to care, and now is when you decide to worry. You couldn't have spared me all of this heartache almost a year ago? You couldn't have just stayed away? It almost feels like all this ever was to you was some kind of selfish game to see how far you could go, and how much damage you could cause. And if that really is the case, congratulation! You won! Because you successfully worked your way back into my life, became something incredibly significant to me, let me fall in love with you, shattered all of it, and left me alone, again. I thought last time was the worst that could happen, but this time really makes me wonder what I see in you, what I think is so agonizingly beautiful about you that I want to fight this hard for you. I know I have nothing left to prove to you, but still, I can't stop.

You don't think there's anything to say to me, huh? How about, I'm sorry? That's the least you could do is just apologize, let me know that you feel some type of remorse, some type of anything. How about, you tell me that you want me to give up. Even if its a lie, just say it. Because I can't sit around for another year and wait for you to say you're sorry and this entire repetitive cycle starts over again. I won't do it this time. I've sat here for over a week now, waiting for the missing me to settle in. For you not to be able to stand it like I haven't been able to tolerate how much I miss you. For you to stop punishing me for a mistake that you made. But you wont. I see that now. You're going to be a selfish coward and not even bother to try and fix the heartbreak and damage that you've caused, which is even more heartbreaking. I was supposed to mean something, to be something.. and all I wound up being was nothing. Just someone you could turn your back on, give up on, and have no second thought about. I told you that I would do all I could to try and forgive you, and I meant that. Because if forgiving you is what I need to do to keep you in my life, I will do that. You forgave me for violating your trust when I told your best friend what I told him, when you should have been the one I told. You were trying to regain your trust towards me. I know this is bigger, but betrayal is betrayal, no matter how big  or small it looks from an outside perspective, it still feels the same. I won't fight you, I won't hold things against you. Part of forgiveness is letting go. Not forgetting, but choosing not to punish someone forever for making a mistake. Just like I did, and just like you did.

Sadly, the acceptance of this reality is setting in. For the first few days, I refused to cry. I refused to believe any of it even happened. It all felt like a dream. And then, you finally said something. And that something was that you didn't know what to say. And after all of it, I told you I was willing to fight for you, knowing how I feel, I can't let that go. And all you could still say was... "I don't know, Emily". Almost a week ago. Do you need that long to think? Because the longer you can go without so much as dropping a line to see how i'm doing, makes me feel like you never cared.
All in all, if you aren't willing to try and fix this now, as hard as this is for me to say, I need you to stay away this time. We can't do this again. I hate giving ultimatums, but my heart cant handle this anymore. Either you try, or you don't. But whatever choice you make, I hope it's the right one.

- Emily

01 March 2015 @ 06:53 pm
(Not-so-Dear) Roomie,

I tried being nice. I tried being polite and mindful and supportive. But now I'm exhausted.

Are you seriously so self-centered and inconsiderate that you can't stop talking to your boyfriend ALL GODDAMN NIGHT? You can't just whisper, no. You have to SHOUT and laugh LOUDLY at six in the fucking morning when you damn well know I have an eight o'clock class. And not only that, whenever you know I have to study for a test, not only do you make me turn off the light so you could get your "beauty" sleep, but of course when the situation is reversed and YOU have to be the one to study, you refuse to turn off the lights and make so much noise that I'm actually tempted to strangle you. But I don't have plausible deniability, so I don't.

The worst part is that we're friends. We went to high school together and knew each other well enough that when we found out we were going to the same school, we were all for rooming with each other. I regret that decision so much. I should have just applied to the same college as my best friends.


Your sleep-deprived roommate

P.S. I should warn you that I am the master of passive aggressiveness. Watch out for your toothbrush.
24 February 2015 @ 12:30 am

Dear Bobby,
I've been trying for the past three days to try and figure out what exactly I want to say to you, and there's so much that I can't seem to hold on to one single thought. It all just whirls around in my head and I wish, more than anything, that I could grasp on to one thing. I would hold onto it for dear life, if I only could.

The fact that you have made no attempt to make this better is literally breaking my heart. I thought I knew how it felt to be shattered, but now I know, I really had no fucking idea. It's bittersweet and so hard to deal with. It feels like there's something missing, and there is. But what am I going to do? Chase after you? I did that for almost seven months, and I can't anymore. I earned the right to call you mine, and I deserve to. But I dont deserve to feel like you just don't care, especially when I know you do. I know you're sitting there right now, thinking about me too. You aren't unpredictable. But what you are is a coward. You single handedly tore what we had to shreds and took a sledgehammer to my heart at the same time, and I dont even deserve an, "I'm sorry." That's what I'm gathering from your lack of effort.i wanted to talk to you, and you just wouldn't say anything. I stood there, trying to fight for something that I probably shouldn't have, and you just gave up. You gave up on us, on me, on everything. For what? I would have listened, and I would have heard you. You forced me to talk when I didn't want to, but when I needed you to, more than I've ever needed anything from you, you couldn't even give me that.

Losing you is not something I want, not even after all of this bullshit. Everyone says i'm crazy, and to leave, and not to listen, not to take you back - but those people can say whatever they want, it does not mean I'm going to listen. I understand what they're saying, but it's not do black and white, at least, not for me. No one's perfect, and everyone does make mistakes. Some bigger than others in the grand scheme of things, but point being, no one's perfect, but I see you. Through all the bullshit and mistakes, I see who you are, and I love who you are. You've seen the ugly in the world, and it's left it's mark on you,  just like it has me. You know what it's like to have the people in your life who were supposed to love you unconditionally not give a fuck about you and just walk out like it meant nothing. You knew heartbreak before you should have ever had to. The fact that you're so attractive is such a small factor in any of it. When we have sex, it's like the rest of the world doesnt exist anymore. I get completely lost with you, and i love it. I love kissing you, and it truly is in the top three of my favorite things in the entire world. If I could do it all day long, I would. I just feel like the fact that I don't make sense is okay when i'm with you, you don't expect me to figure it all out. You just listen. And I need that.
I need you to stay around.

When you say that you don't know how to talk about your feelings, it's not true. I've heard you talk about your feelings towards so many things. I just wish I understood what it is about me that makes you so scared. The fact that this is real, all these crazy, beautiful feelings is very terrifying, i know that. I've been burned so many times, that's why I've never been able to say how I feel. That's why the only times I really can open up is when i'm intoxicated. It doesn't mean that I mean it any less, because I mean it all. . I'm just so scared. I'm scared of getting hurt, of getting left, of allowing myself to make you something I can't live without and then I lose you. I'm scared of so many things, but I don't want to let that fear get in the way of something that has the potential to be something so great.

I love you.

- Emily Ann

20 February 2015 @ 02:33 am
Dear You,

It has been almost 6 months since we were suppose to get married. I think about you every day. I do miss you. I can't imagine how devastated you were when I told you I couldn't marry you. I think about your reaction every time something reminds me of you. I can't listen to certain music or watch certain shows because it reminds me of what I put you through and I feel like a horrible person. I feel like I took away your happiness, your potential end all be all way of life. I wanted that...but we were never meant to be together for that long. I manipulated you into what I wanted and not who you were. You tried to stuff me into your box of acceptance created by your sheltering parents even though you knew I'm free spirited, open minded and outspoken. We knew we weren't meant to be together forever, but we tried. It was a valiant effort and I will always remember what we had and cherish some of those experiences and memories.
But I hope you are able to move on...I hope you want to find someone who can reignite the spark we once had and I hope she is able to make you happy. You do not have to forget me (if you don't want), but you need to accept that I have moved on in attempts at true happiness. It is what we both need.

I will always love you from a far, always...

Mood: contemplativecontemplative